Two women age 40ish, never had partners or friends, never driven cars, living with parents.

[Doodley]

These are my cousins, very withdrawn, child-like, scared of the world, have jobs but little face-to-face contact. Parents unapproachable, authoritarian, borderline paranoid, over-protective. What should I do, if anything?

[Ocelot II]

1. What do your cousins need?

[Doodley]

2. They seem very sad and unfulfilled. They won't say they need anything.

[pnwmom]

3. You probably already have, but just let them now you care about them,

and you're always ready to talk (or to help out in other ways, if you can).

Do they live with the authoritarian parents?

[Doodley]

4. Yes, I can only talk to them by their home phone or video in the presence of their parents, and .

I am the closest they have outside the family unit.

[alwaysinasnit]

5. Invite them to go on (initially) short outings???

[Doodley]

6. They aren't allowed and aren't willing to go on any outings with anyone but

their parents.

[alwaysinasnit]

7. I'm sorry. That is so sad.

[Doodley]

12. Thank you.

[3catwoman3]

8. That's really sad.

And more than a little creepy. Who is your biological relative, the aunt or uncle, and are there any others like that in the family? (Of, course, don't answer if you'd rather not. I'm not trying to be nosy, just very curious. This is so odd.)

Do they work from home? If not, is there any way to see them during lunch breaks? How do they get to work? Are they developmentally handicapped?

[Doodley]

10. No, they are not developmentally handicapped, but certainly emotionally

withdrawn/repressed. They are the textbook examples of adult children of narcissistic parents. They do work partly at home and partly in offices and have both reduced their working week to four days.

They are a household unit of mother and father and the two women. I tried to talk about it but was shut down very abruptly. Meeting them at lunchbreaks isn't an option. Nobody can even have their cellphones. Because that is the way they have been for so long, they don't seem to think it is a problem.

[Chainfire]

9. Why hasn't someone reported this sometime in the last 25 years or so.

It sounds like parenteral abuse to me.

[Doodley]

11. They are adults who won't admit to any abuse. Their body language and the way they speak is like

that of abuse victims. It is very disturbing. They talk like children and have very closed body language. But there is no case for abuse.

[blueinredohio]

13. What are they going to do when something happens to their parents?

[Doodley]

14. They will continue to live in their parents' house as lonely old spinsters without any friends.

[Ocelot II]

15. How old are the parents? Maybe your cousins can't be helped

while the parents are alive. Sounds like a very sad situation, wish there was some way to help these women.

[Doodley]

18. Parents are mid-60s to mid 70s, both healthy. I appreciate your reply.

[Yavin4]

16. Some parents have children for the expressed purpose that their children become

caregivers when the parents get old. The children are raised in a sheltered environment and are discouraged from becoming independent adults. Thus, when the parents become to old to care for themselves, their children fill that role.

Do you suspect that this is the situation with your cousins?

[Doodley]

19. No, I don't suspect that, but there's a thing called emotional incest. It's not sexual,

but it's where one parent uses children as emotional support in a way you would expect from the partner. I feel that is at play. It gives the children a feeling of obligation even as adults, and the children struggle to be their own person and find their own way in life. I think there is that, plus the other parent is borderline paranoid, always painting the world as a dangerous place. As a result, my cousins are very timid and scared of the outside world.

[MaryMagdaline]

17. Send food baskets or flowers from time to time.

My sister tends to be a recluse but she loves cards, flowers, books - going to the mail box and seeing that people have thought of you can cheer her up. (Cheers me up when I get mail or gifts).

With Uber Eats you can order restaurant meals to be delivered to someone’s house. Gives them a little change in their routine.

[Doodley]

20. That's a great idea, but they have even banned birthday gifts from outside their

small family unit. They would not accept gifts. I would compare it to a cult.

[debm55]

21. Can you, are you allowed to visit them? I would report this to your county agency. I come from a

family and suffered from this type of abuse and other kinds. I was lucky to break free--more or less. I'll tell you something from personal experience, there is more going on in that house then you know of. I am not saying sexually, but there are all kinds of abuse. Those women need help to break free from the chains of their parents. I'm sorry that you have to witness this. But at their age, they know of no other life. I feel very sorry for them and the life they are forced to live because of their parents. Perhaps a wellness check would help ?

[Doodley]

22. I am sorry that you have gone through something similar. I would be interested

to learn how you were able to break free. You give me hope. Please IM me, if you would like to share but if you not want to post on the forum. I have changed a few details to keep my anonymity. I have enquired about what can be done by agencies. Really nothing, as they are adults. They are not held against their will. They are not locked in and held hostage. They are prisoners of their environment and the way they have been conditioned. I am on the outs after trying to raise the issue with one of the parents, so I cannot contact them. The parents occasionally have other visitors (extended family), but my cousins tend to shy away and rarely interact as they have such low self-esteem and self-confidence.

[debm55]

24. I will IM you. But you never break away, totally. I did at 18. Yesterday was my birthday as I posted

it here. I spent the day listening to my mother crying hysterically on the phone about how terrible her life is. Not the first time. That was my Happy Birthday from her. I will IM you tomorrow, as I have taken my meds and don't want to be triggered, if you don't mind.

[Doodley]

25. I appreciate that. Belated birthday. Emotional blackmail is a powerful force. Please take care of

yourself first.

[MaryMagdaline]

23. I'm so sorry. They're in a really tough spot.

[Doodley]

26. Thank you.