How do you handle family members that you don't want to be around anymore?
My brothers, who I love, I think, ultimately just don't have respect for me. Or something.
They're both Republican idiots, but aside from that, they're selfish *icks sometimes. It's like they feel entitled
to be short tempered when they're tired, sick, unhappy about whatever.
My older brother can't seem to conduct a conversation with me without at least once, twice, or more, making a sarcastic short tempered comment, or a criticism about something I've said, or something I do in my life. It could be a difference in a past memory, and it's always my recollection that's wrong. The least little thing in the conversation, something I would never forsee, is twisted in some snide or condescending way and I get laughed at. I stand up for myself, sometimes it gets him in line for a while, but he never really understands, or honors my feelings. I know he loves me, but he's a functioning alcoholic and he's always crabby and short-tempered, impatient. I feel like I just annoy him.
My younger brother, on the other hand, is just a weird puzzle. He can be ok for a while, but he has a mean, manipulative side that comes out unexpectedly. I never know what bizarre, cruel, meant-to-shock thing he's going to say. He didn't like a Colbert clip I posted on Face book mocking Dressage, because he said I was making fun of a woman with MS (I wasn't) so he called me a liar and deleted me. A week later at his son's birthday party, all was fine and "normal", till we had a moment alone in the kitchen, and says to me, 'You know what I think of the polar bears supposedly becoming extinct?'...... 'Fuck em, we don't need em', snide little smile and he walks out of the room. He meant it to hurt me. I think it was his way, politically, to get his wing nut views in my face and a way to hurt me for his fake outrage at my FB post.
I avoided calling him and telling him an old friend of mine had passed away, not only because of his unexpected cruelty the week before, but also because he trashed another old friend (of the family) who had passed away a few years ago. I was feeling so sad about the news, and I just didn't want to hear bad things from him about her. So he was pissed because I didn't tell him sooner. He showed up at the funeral seething (2 1/2 hr drive which he had said was too last minute for him to attend), eyes glaring at me, all kinds of loaded words meant only for me to understand. He cooled down, we ended up friendly, but I haven't even bothered to explain because usually, when I try, no explanation will be acceptable. I may hear about it, passive-aggressively, for a long time. I don't if know this is making sense, giving a sense of the dynamic of things, it's hard to explain.
They're both really funny guys, strong personalities, but I love them. I feel done, fini. I don't want to shut them out completely,
but I literally feel nauseas when the phone rings and it's one of them. I don't want to talk to them, yet, if I don't answer the phone or
return the call, younger brother will scold me . . .(he's got that Hanutty outrage thing going all the fucking time, one after another. Always outraged). He used to have the most excellent sense of humor but he's been indoctrinated. Why would I want to answer the phone when he's a *ick, yet he's a *ick next time I talk to him because I'm not 'checking my VM from him and getting back promptly'. He's just a fucking drag.
Does anyone else deal with similar bullshit? If so, how do you deal with it? I don't want to cut them out of my life completely,
but I don't want to talk or be around them. My sister and parents are gone, it's just them and me. Thank God for my
wonderful husband who knows how to navigate appropriately, but he can't fight my battles with family.
I apologize for any misspellings. Just want to get this off my chest.
= new reply since forum marked as read
it helps to know others understand 
Each time one of them says something outrageous or hurtful, smile and say "You're right", then change the subject or walk away completely.
Every single time.
Because, really...what good would it do to argue? Especially with an alcoholic.
One thing I've learned over the years is that you never argue with a drunk/alcoholic or someone with dementia.
You will not win. Ever.
If they want to interact on a civil level, then by all means, interact. But as soon as the bullshit appears, concede to their (in their minds) moral "rightness" and end the discussion. If they want to have a mature relationship with you, they'll eventually get it. If not, at least you haven't caused turmoil in your own life.
Worked for me
Choose your conversations and time with them wisely. When they say something stupid, just pleasantly retire the conversation and be done with it.
My father was semi-close to his sister his entire life. After their mom died, there was a family feud over a cottage that was instigated by her husband...not her. But, it was enough to drive a wedge between my dad and aunt. He didn't talk to her for almost 10 years when he needed to get a hold of her to let her know that their aunt had died.
Her husband answered the phone. "Nola died 5 years ago." and hung up on him. My father died several years later and never forgave himself for letting something so petty get in the way of family. We also found out her son, my cousin/godfather, had died of a brain tumor just a couple of years before she died.
I've seen too many stories like this. Granted, in some cases the separation is better for all involved, but it doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like there's still a lot of love left and I'd hate for you to go through the same pain my father endured. You're better off just doing what I mentioned and limiting your exposure to them. Avoid subjects that will cause conflict. If you're cornered and they say something dumb, just respond with a simple, "That was an unnecessary comment...you silly tool." If you remove the anger from the conversation...you win.
Good luck to you and your family.
