Know any good psychiatrist jokes?

[red dog 1]

A man goes to a psychiatrist.
The doctor says "You're crazy!"
The man replies: "I want a second opinion!"
The doctor says: "Okay, you're ugly too!"

[tblue37]

1. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

[CincyDem]

2. Woman goes to the shrink to complain that her husband thinks he's a chicken...

...shrink says "bring him in, we know just the cure".

Woman says..."well...I can't...we need the eggs"

[Cirque du So-What]

3. Why was Oedipus against profanity? Because he kissed his mother with that mouth.

I’m getting really tired of these motherfucking jokes.

[Martin Eden]

4. A psychiatrist is holding a therapy session with 4 moms and their small children

At the end of the session he told the four women they all have obsessions which are manifested in the names they gave their children.

To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with food, which is why you named your daughter Candy."

The second mother was obsessed with money, and had named her daughter Penny.

He told the third she named her daughter Brandy due to her obsession with alcohol.

At this point the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered to him "Come on Dick, we're going home. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

[SeattleVet]

5. Yes, I do...

But if I told them they would probably commit me!!

[Merlot]

6. I once met a psychiatrist who was a joke of a psychiatrist.

Does that count?

[yankeepants]

7. A man goes to his psychiatrist and says:

"Doc you gotta help me. I keep having awful nightmares about tarps and canopies."

Shrink: "Perhaps you're two tents."

[TexasBushwhacker]

8. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis.

Edit: hold the LADDER. I meant ladder!

[AZ8theist]

9. A guy walks into a dentists office....

And says, "Doc, I think I'm a moth!"

Dentist says, "You think you're a moth?? You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!!"

Guy says, "But doc, I AM SEEING a psychiatrist..."

Doc says, "So what are you doing here?"

Guy says, "Well, your light was on......."

[Hotler]

10. I told my psychiatrist I was having suicidal tendencies.

He told me from now on I had to start paying in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield

[IcyPeas]

11. saran wrap

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

12. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

13. A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist....He says "It seems I can't make any friends.

Can you help me, you fat slob?"

[red dog 1]

14. A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and says:

"Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
Psychiatrist replies: "Sit over there and I'll deal with you later."

[red dog 1]

15. A psychiatrist's secretary tells him that there's a man who thinks he's invisible

in the waiting room.
The psychiatrist says: "Tell him I can't see him now!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

16. Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist?

Because h
e no longer believed in himself.

[Doc_Technical]

17. First session at a psychiatrists office

The Dr. is giving the patient a Rorschach test.
The Doc holds up a card and says, "what do you see?"
and the patient says "two people making love"
The Doc holds up another card and the patient
says "I see three people making love".
This goes on several more times and the Doc
says "you sure have a one track mind"
And the patient says, "Don't blame me,
you're the one with the dirty pictures"

[red dog 1]

18. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist going to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

[red dog 1]

19. Patient: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain!"

Psychiatrist: "Pull yourself together!"

[red dog 1]

20. A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and says:

"Doctor I'm having strange dreams...In one dream I'm a teepee, in the next dream I'm a wigwam, in the next dream I'm a teepee again, in the next dream I'm a wigwam again....what's wrong with me?

Psychiatrist:
"You're two tents."

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

21. Neurotics build castles in the sky.

Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.