Johnny Carson fans: Do you have a favorite "Carnac The Magnificent" joke?

[red dog 1]

(answer) "A triple and a double, catchers and fielders, and Dolly Parton"

(question) "Name two big hits, two big mitts...and a famous country singer!"

[Sneederbunk]

1. Gladys Knight and the Pips.

Name a soul singer and a chicken disease.

[benld74]

2. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?

[First Speaker]

3. OTB

...name an Irish chest disease...

[Sanity Claws]

4. Answer: Kumquat

Question: How do you call your quat?

[Zambero]

5. Answer: Falling asleep next to a dead moose in a buzzard sanctuary

Question: What precedes a rude awakening?

[SalmonChantedEvening]

6. On Golden Pond

Where do urologists go ice skating?

[customerserviceguy]

7. Here's one of my favorites

(Answer) Colonel Sanders chicken.

(Question) Why was Colonel Sanders never decorated for bravery?

But my favorite Carnac lines were the insults to the audience who either booed or inadequately applauded/laughed at a joke.

"May a weird holy man present you with a rubber figurine in the shape of your mother."

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

11. One of those that I remember was "May a diseased yak marry your sister!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

20. "May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup."

I miss Johnny Carson.

[nolabear]

8. Dippity Do...

What forms on your dippity early in the morning?

Igloo

How do you fix a broken ig?

[red dog 1]

9. Johnny holds up the envelope to his forehead and says:

"A.B.C.D.E.F.G."

Then he opens the envelope and says:
"What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?"

[Wolf Frankula]

15. I loved that one

It was one of my favorites.

Wolf

[Pendrench]

10. SIS BOOM BAH

Describe the sound when a sheep explodes.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

12. I remember watching that one

He could hardly do that one because he kept laughing so much

(I'll bet that one was written by Pat McCormick)

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

13. Gatorade!

What does an alligator get on welfare?

[gratuitous]

14. Dope ring

Describe President Trump and his cabinet sitting around an oval table.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

16. Disjoint

What was dat hippie smoking?

[red dog 1]

17. (answer) "Ben Gay"

(question) "Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?"

[red dog 1]

18. (answer) "David Frost"

(question) "On a cold morning what forms on your david?"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

19. (Holds up sealed envelope) "Rose Bowl"

(Opens envelope) "What do you say when it's Rose's turn to bowl?"

[red dog 1]

21. (answer) "Old wives tale"

(question) "What do cannibals find hard to digest?"

[Doc_Technical]

22. Ed- "I hold in my hand the last envelope."

Audience- Cheering and clapping.
Carnac- "May a sacred cow leave an offering
in your convertible."

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

24. "May a diseased camel spit in your sister's eye."

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

23. (Johnny holds envelope up to his head) "Follow the yellow brick road"

(He opens the envelope) "What are good directions to a urologist's office?"

[red dog 1]

25. (answer) "Blazing Saddles"

(question "What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?"

[Chipper Chat]

26. Hi diddle diddle.

How do you greet your diddle in the morning.

[Miguelito Loveless]

27. The answer is: Yasser Arafat

Question: what is the sound heard when Dolly Parton takes off her bra?

[red dog 1]

28. (answer) "Deep Freeze"

(question) "Name an Eskimo porno film?"

[JesterCS]

29. (answer) Peter Pan

(question) something you fry your Peter in.


I know, immature, but made me lol anyway

[red dog 1]

30. (answer) Three Dog Night

(question) What's a bad night for a tree?

[red dog 1]

31. (answer) "Crabgrass"

(question) "What do crabs get high on?"

[red dog 1]

32. (answer) "Supervisor"

(question) "What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?"

[Archae]

33. Boooooo!

[red dog 1]

35. "Booooooo!"??

[red dog 1]

36. Johnny Carson did tell that Carnac joke

If you were in the audience that night (or afternoon, when they usually taped the show), would you have booed Johnny?

[Archae]

38. That one, yes.

And don't forget how Johnny would "react" when he got booed as Carnac.

[red dog 1]

39. I don't remember him ever getting booed as Carnac

(but that doesn't mean he never did)

[Archae]

40. He did at times...

And he would stare at the audience and make wisecrack "insults" at them, like "May a camel make a deposit in your convertible."

[red dog 1]

34. (answer) "Black and white and 70 feet tall"

(question) "Describe Sister Mary Kong."

[edbermac]

37. Answer: "The girl with something extra."

Question: “What do you call a girl whose measurements are 32-24-36 and 9?”

Answer: “I’d like to thank all the little people.“
Question: “What did Snow White say on her wedding night?”

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

41. (holds sealed envelope up to his head) "Milk and honey"

(opens envelope) "What do you get from a bee that has an udder?"

[red dog 1]

42. (answer) Hypotenuse

(question) What do you call a toilet being flushed in an airplane?

[red dog 1]

43. (answer) "Coincide"

(question) "What should you do when it rains?"

[red dog 1]

44. (answer) "Concave"

(question) "Where do escaped convicts hide out?"

[red dog 1]

45. (answer) "A trained monkey"

(question) "What do you get when you let your chimpanzee play on the railroad tracks?"

[red dog 1]

46. (answer) "OH"

(question) "What is the chemical symbol for the element of surprise?"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

47. (holds envelope to his forehead).."Dear John"

(opens envelope) "What's another name for a moose toilet?"

[red dog 1]

48. (answer) Mine Shaft

(question) Name the book about Hitler's divorce.

[red dog 1]

49. (answer) "On top of Old Smokey"

(question) "Where did Yogi Bear come home to find his wife?"

[Auggie]

50. John Paul, Lifebouy, and Chuck Barris

Name a Pope, a soap, and a dope.

[Mme. Defarge]

51. For those of you too young to know -

before there was Carnac there was Steve Allen’s Question Man. When I was 10 years old I watched Steve Allen on Sunday nights instead of The Ed Sullivan Show.

Answer: They don’t recognize Red China.

What sometimes happens to color-blind dish washers?

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

52. (Holds envelope to his head).."Susan B. Anthony"

(opens envelope) .."What might you find in West Hollywood?"

[red dog 1]

53. (answer) Donald J. Trump

(question) Which U.S. president is widely recognized as the most ignorant president in history?

(Not an actual Carnac joke, but close enough)

[Boomerproud]

54. Whackadoo Whackadoo Whackadoo

What do you step in when you follow 3 Whackas.

[red dog 1]

55. (answer) "Spam"

(question) "What's the sound of a pig hitting the bottom of an elevator shaft?"

[callous taoboy]

56. (answer) Scooby Dooby Doo

(question) What do you look for when tracking Scooby Doobies.

[red dog 1]

57. (answer) Chicken Teriyaki

(question) What is the name of the last surviving Kamikaze fighter pilot?

[red dog 1]

58. (answer) Gloria Steinem

(question) What's Gloria doing with those shoelaces?

[red dog 1]

59. (answer) Denominator

(question) Who is de person who makes de speech to nominate a political candidate?

[red dog 1]

60. (answer) "You boil the hell out of it"

(question) "How do you make holy water?"

[red dog 1]

61. (answer) "To be or not to be"

(question) "What is the question?"

[red dog 1]

62. (answer) "The Monitor and the Merrimack"

(question) "Name two hardships of the Civil War."

[red dog 1]

63. (answer) Vladimir Putin

(question) What can be heard in the men's room at the Kremlin?

[red dog 1]

64. (answer) Purdue

(question) How do you pay he person who cleans up after your dog?

[red dog 1]

65. (answer) "Unit"

(question) "How do you make a sweater?"

[ClaytonMCarlson]

66. Diseased Yak

May a diseased Yak drop his cud in your cuff.

[ClaytonMCarlson]

67. Not Carnac, but...

Malibu was going through some climate challenges and a friend of Johnny's called him to see how he was doing.

Never lacking for an appropriate response, he replied, "On the bright side, at least the mud slides are putting out the wildfires."

[red dog 1]

68. Thanks for that

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