The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsHeard any good "walks into a bar" jokes lately?
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes,' she purrs, "I am."
"Well wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"
LuckyCharms
(17,425 posts)Nice one.
Wounded Bear
(58,647 posts)and then turned into a bar.
DENVERPOPS
(8,812 posts)couldn't have been our president trump...........or Clinton for that matter. Or I suppose any president except carter for that matter.......
Midnight Writer
(21,751 posts)Karadeniz
(22,510 posts)BuffaloJackalope
(818 posts)But the joke was Ken Cuccinelli
Initech
(100,064 posts)Walk into a bar. Bartender says "What will it be, Mr. President?".
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)Wawannabe
(5,653 posts)About PRO golfer!
Was a good one. I already stole/shared and sent!
COLGATE4
(14,732 posts)Bartender says "Why the long face?"
BKDem
(1,733 posts)Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of joke?"
Harker
(14,012 posts)Henceforth I'll have to randomly substitute the guy with the parrot for my standard zen priest.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)The bartender asks: "Where'd you get him?"
The frog answers: "Brooklyn, there's hundreds of 'em"
Captain Zero
(6,805 posts)fyi. funny either way.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)It is indeed, "A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder"
Flaleftist
(3,473 posts)The impact cracked open their heads and they bled out.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)empedocles
(15,751 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)hunter
(38,311 posts)... I'm sorry, I don't remember the punchline of the joke.
It happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
tblue37
(65,336 posts)keithbvadu2
(36,778 posts)That wasn't the joke you were thinking about (wave of the hand).
panader0
(25,816 posts)and staggers into the confessional booth. The priest sees how drunk he is and decides to give him a moment to compose himself. After a bit he says, "Now, how may I help
you my son?"
The drunk says "You got any paper on your side?"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)A time traveler walks into a bar.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)He turns to the bartender and says: "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The bartender replies: "You better try petting him first."
ThoughtCriminal
(14,047 posts)Me: No, it doesn't
LuckyCharms
(17,425 posts)and takes a seat on a stool.
Bartender looks at the pony, and says....uh, excuse me please, I'll be right back.
Bartender runs into the kitchen where several people are working.
He excitedly yells....HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS! COME OUT AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS! THERE'S A FUCKING PONY SITTING AT THE BAR, AND HE'S HUNG LIKE A HORSE!!!!
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)Bartender says: "Get outta here! We don't serve your type..This is a singles bar!"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)The bartender asks "Olive or twist?"
underpants
(182,778 posts)It proceeds to lay out all its troubles to the bartender - bad marriage, bad job, bad kids.
The bartender says, Maybe you should talk to a psychologist about this
The dejected moth says, Yeah. Maybe I should. It then starts to walk out of the bar all slumped over and sad.
The bartender says, I have to ask. Why did you come in here?
The moth says, Oh. The light was on
Ohiogal
(31,979 posts)sdfernando
(4,930 posts)the third one ducked.
Mr.Bill
(24,282 posts)The bartender says "What is this, a joke?
kacekwl
(7,016 posts)It was tense.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)1st one says: '"I'll have a pint of blood."
2nd one says: "I'll have one too."
3rd one says: "I'll have a pint of Plasma."
Bartender says: "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
ascrodin
(12 posts)A guy walks into a bar and says "OUCH!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and the bartender says, "What'll it be, Senator Cruz?"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)One asks, "Is the bar tender?"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)because she heard the drinks were "on the house"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)"I'll have a Gin and......Tonic."
Bartender asks, "Why the big pause?'
And the Polar Bear replies, "I don't know, I've always had them."
maxrandb
(15,322 posts)The bartender said; "we don't serve Noble gasses here"
Helium doesn't react.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)The bartender kicks him out.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and orders a lemonade.
(It could happen)
rickford66
(5,523 posts)It could happen
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"A beer, please, and one for the road."
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?'
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?'
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and the bartender says "What's your poison?"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)Bartender says: "Pay the tab before you split"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)Bartender says, "Back for more, Ay?
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)"Sorry, we don't serve lying assholes!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and the bartender asks: "What can I get you."
"Pop, goes the weasel"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)It was a crowbar.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and a table, and a chair.
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)The bartender says, "Why the short face?"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"Is this the punch line?"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)"We have a drink named after you"
The grasshopper replies: "You have a drink called Irving?"
MatthewHatesTrump2
(915 posts)BuffaloJackalope
(818 posts)Dark basement + low ceiling + misplaced bar ...
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"Shots for everybody!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"Olive or twist?"
A-Schwarzenegger
(15,596 posts)MicaelS
(8,747 posts)A man walks into a bar on the roof of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a drink. A drunk hobbles over next to him and asks him "Ha-have you ever been here before?" "No." The man replies, "This is my first time here." "I love this place!" Slurs the drunk. "Wanna know why?" "Sure." The man says. "There is a wind that comes through the city and shoots right up this building. You can jump out the window and fall five stories and the wind brings you right back up!" "You are full of it." The man responds. "I'll bet you!" Counters the drunk. "I will go jump out the window and when the wind brings me back up you have to buy me a beer!" "Deal." The drunk runs and jumps out the window and sure enough he falls five stories and the wind brings him right back up. "That's amazing!" Exclaims the man. "You owe me a beer." Slurs the drunk. "Ya ya sure sure. Bartender give the guy a beer. I have to try this." The man drops some money on the counter for the beer and runs and jumps out the window falling to his death. The bartender looks at the drunk and says "You are a real asshole when you are drunk Superman.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)and the bartender says: "What'll it be, Senator McConnell?"
Roland99
(53,342 posts)Bartender says, we dont serve your type
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)The bartender says,"I don't know, what does he look like?"
Brother Buzz
(36,416 posts)The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, we don't serve grapes, so the duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, we don't serve ducks, so if you come back I'll nail your flippers to the floor, now get out of here!"
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The third day, the duck returns and the bartender yells, "What do you want?"
The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
Yo-Yo man (Tommy Smothers) tell it MUCH better than me. (@ 4:40)
Xolodno
(6,390 posts)Three guys walk into a strip club bar and proceed to get drunk. Being inebriated they start to get loose with their tips to the strippers. During one nude dance in front of them, the first guy yanks out a $20 and slides it into her leg garter. The second guy seeing this, yanks out his wallet and does the same. The third guy, not wanting to feel out done, but short on cash, yanks out his Bank ATM card, slides it down her "you know" and says "I'll take the fast cash too" and proceeds to take the two $20's.
===================
Not my joke, but when I heard it....thought it was weird one and its been stuck in my memory every since.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"You'll be served sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM."
LaelthsDaughter
(150 posts)Thats great! XD I needed some laughs today!
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)The bartender refuses to serve him.
"Why not?" asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
red dog 1
(27,792 posts)"We don't serve your tie pin here"