Do you have a favorite "lawyer" joke?

[red dog 1]

Q) - What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A) - The rooster clucks defiant"

[cilla4progress]

1. Took me a minute.

Good one!

[Beakybird]

3. I don't get it. Feeling dumb!

[cilla4progress]

6. Fux

Da client

[Beakybird]

2. My bro told me this one, just a tad off color.

An attractive man meets a voluptuous woman in a bar.
He says, "What's happening?"
She says, "I want to screw someone. I love to screw all day and all night."
He says, "Wow! I'm a lawyer too! Here's my card."

[Lochloosa]

4. What do you have with a lawyer buried to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

[Skittles]

5. old classic

difference between a carp and a lawyer

one is a scum-sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish

[AdamThePhantump]

28. No actually

Both are fish. One just likes to scrape his dick on coral all day.

[IggleDuer]

7. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

- A Doberman.

[customerserviceguy]

8. Do you know what happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?

He gets taller.

[spooky3]

9. ha! Fresh out of lawyer jokes, but an accountant told me this one:

Q: How can you tell the difference between an extraverted accountant, and an introverted accountant?

A: When s/he talks to you, the extravert looks at YOUR shoes.

[fierywoman]

10. A lawyer, a priest and a rabbi are stranded on an island within swimming

distance from the mainland. The problem is, the water is full of sharks.
The priest volunteers to swim to the mainland for help, but he is eaten by the sharks.
Same with the rabbi.
Finally the lawyer starts swimming and arrives at the mainland.
Someone who had observed all this asked him, "How come the sharks let you through unharmed?"
"Professional courtesy," the lawyer answered.

[Bayard]

11. Like that one!

All I have is the old, what do you call 1,000 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea?

A good start.

[fierywoman]

14. I once told this joke to one of O J Simpson's second round of lawyers

(the civil case?) (I was cooking for a dinner for him and his friends) ... he really wasn't amused.

[DBoon]

12. A Rabbi, Hindu Priest, and a lawyer are stranded outside a farm

The Rabbi offers to seek shelter first. Time passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Rabbi. He says, "There are pigs in the barn. I cannot sleep there."

The Hindu then offers to sleep in the barn. Time Passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is the Hindu. He says, "There are cows in the barn. Cows are sacred. I cannot sleep there."

The lawyer then offers to sleep in the barn. Times passes. There is a knock on the car door. It is a pig and a cow....

[LNM]

34. Good one! nt

[lastlib]

13. Good news/Bad news!

Bad news first: Stock market crashed, Wall Street saw 600 people jumping out of their windows!
Good news! Five hundred fifty of them were lawyers!

[Zambero]

15. A guy in a bar shouts "All lawyers are assholes!"

Another guy at the next table says "I really resent that remark!".
The shouter asks: "Oh, I suppose you're a lawyer then?"
The other guy says: "No, I'm an asshole!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

18. Good one!

[DFW]

16. An old one

A man dies, goes to heaven, and St. Peter shows him around.

There are huge apartment complexes. The man asks who they are for. St. Peter explains: "This is where the doctors are." A few miles on is another immense apartment complex, "this one is for the educators." A few miles further: "This is where the scholars are." A few miles further on is a wonderful immaculate single mansion with an immaculate garden and swimming pool.

"Who is that for?" asks the new arrival. "That is a lawyer." The man asks, "how come he gets his own place?" St. Peter replies, "he's the only one we've ever had."

I really shouldn't be involved on this thread. My younger daughter is an attorney, and the youngest person ever to make partner in her international law firm (at age 31).

[Collimator]

20. Variation on a theme.

Engineer dies and gets sent to Hell. Guy likes to keep busy and use his skills around the place. Sets hell up with air conditioning, a pool, all sorts of amenities.

God gets word of the upgrades going on down below and gives Satan a call.

God: "I've changed my mind; send the engineer up my way."

Satan: "Nothing doing. You sent him down; he stays."

God: [stammering] "Well, if you don't send him back. . . I'll--I'll SUE you!"

Satan: [chuckling] "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

[DFW]

22. Good variation.

Too bad I don't dare send it to my daughter!

[edbermac]

17. Rudy Giuliani

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

19. That's downright spooky!

(So is he)

[Doc_Technical]

21. A woman was walking through a cemetery

and she noticed the epitaph on a gravestone which read,
"Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"
and the woman cried out, "Faith and Begorrah,
they've buried two men in one grave!"

[DiverDave]

23. California has the most

Lawyers, New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites.
Why is that? New Jersey got to pick first.

[red dog 1]

24. Q - "How does a lawyer sleep?"

A - "First he lies on one side, and then the other"

[Marthe48]

25. here's mine

A guy goes into an antique shop in San Francisco. He notices a medallion marked not for sale and really wants it. The antique dealer tries to talk the guy out of buying it, but the guy offers him $10,000.00, which the dealer can't turn down.

So the guy is walking down the street toward the Bay. He stops at a light and notices a rat behind him on the sidewalk. He doesn't think much of it, and walks on. At the next light, he notices several rats behind him. He feels a little nervous. When he gets to another light, he looks back and there must be a 100 rats behind him. He walks toward a dock and more and more rats are behind him, getting closer and closer. He realizes it must be something to do with the medallion and he frantically pulls it out of his pocket and throws it into the Bay. Hundreds of rats race off the dock into the water. The guy returns to the shop.

The shopkeeper greets him and says, 'I bet you ended up with a bunch of rats chasing you. And you want to return the medallion and get your money back.'

And the guy says, 'No. I want to know if you have a medallion for lawyers!'

[brewens]

26. Washington State University recently began using lawyers instead of rats in their lab

experiments. The reasons being, lawyers are more easily obtained than rats, you won't become quite so attached to a lawyer as you would a rat, and there are some things rats just will not do.

[LakeArenal]

27. Weren't the Marx Bros lawyers

Dewey, Cheetam and Howe?

[Submariner]

68. That was the law firm of Click-and-Clack the Tappet brothers

when they used to do the Saturday morning Car Talk show on NPR. The brothers always cited that law firm.

[LakeArenal]

69. Nah. We are both wrong.

I listened to Click and Clack and knew the phrase is older than them.

[katusha]

29. not quite a joke, but the simpsons

[Liberty Belle]

30. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road & a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

[Haggis for Breakfast]

31. I have a couple . . .

Q - How many lawyers does it take to stop a speeding train ?
A - Never enough.

Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 30 ?
A - A lawyer.
Q - What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 80 ?
A - Your honor.

Q - What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common ?
A - You always hear about them, but you never see one.

Q - What's the definition of mixed emotions ?
A - Watching your lawyer drive off a cliff in your Jaguar.

Q - How do you keep an attorney from drowning ?
A - Shoot him before he hits the water.

We have a paralegal in the family. She has hundreds of these.

[yuiyoshida]

32. I was told this one.....

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
What?
A good start....

[Shrek]

33. Suppose you're trapped in a room

With Hitler, a lawyer, and a rabid wolverine. You have a gun and two bullets. What do you do?
.
.
.
.
.
Shoot the lawyer twice.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

35. Two lawyers walk into a bar.....

(You complete it!)

[red dog 1]

36. What's the difference between a lawyer and a steaming pile of horseshit?

Nothing, it was a trick question.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

37. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

[red dog 1]

38. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

39. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.

[GumboYaYa]

40. Q. What is the difference between a porcupine and a BMW filled with lawyers?

A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[JonLP24]

41. What do you call a lawyer who represents himself as a client?

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

42. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

[red dog 1]

43. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Profession courtesy.

[SKKY]

44. Why do lawyers wear neckties??

Keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.

[red dog 1]

45. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

46. What do dinosaurs and lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.

[red dog 1]

47. What's the difference between a lawyer and a cowpie?

Nothing! (Another trick question)

[47of74]

48. Yeah wait another year and I'll be one.

[JudyM]

83. Lol, that is funny.

Good luck studying for the Bar!

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

49. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

50. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

[The Wizard]

51. The difference between wing tips and cowboy boots?

Cowboy boots have the bullshit on the outside.

[Turbineguy]

52. Two lawyers

are in a lake drowning and you can only save one.

What do you do?








Sit down on a bench and eat your sandwiches.

[red dog 1]

53. How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three..All the rest are true stories.

[red dog 1]

54. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

[red dog 1]

55. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pittbull?

Lipstick!

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

56. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.

[red dog 1]

57. Q)..How can you tell if it's REALLY cold outside?

A)..A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

[red dog 1]

58. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.

[red dog 1]

59. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

60. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

[Beringia]

61. What does a lawyer do with their superpower

1. They use sleight of hand to make you look bad in front of their husband.

2. They use it to play victim and shoot down the vice president.

[red dog 1]

62. A lawyer went into the Emergency Room with his face covered with blood,

and when asked what had happened, he replied:
"I was chasing an ambulance, tripped on a pothole, and fell flat on my face!"

[red dog 1]

63. Where can you find a good lawyer?

In a cemetery.

[NightWatcher]

64. What do you call 25,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Just jokes, folks. I know a few lawyers that I do t want at the bottom of the ocean.

[red dog 1]

65. What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?

Lawyers have removable wing tips.

[red dog 1]

66. Q)..What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?

A)..The bucket

[red dog 1]

67. A man walks into a bar and loudly says to the bartender,

"all lawyers are assholes!"
A man sitting at the other end of the bar says: "I resent that remark"
The first man says, "why, are you a lawyer?"
He says "no...I'm an asshole!"

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

70. Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

71. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

72. What's the difference between a lawyer & a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

[red dog 1]

73. Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down upon.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

74. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A Republican.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

75. Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one hostage every hour until their demands were met.

[calguy]

76. My favorite lawyer joke?

I have to choose between Bill Barr or Rudy Giulliani. I just can't decide.

[Zoonart]

77. Whats the difference between a dead skunk

In the middle if the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? ........
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

[PJMcK]

78. Here's one I posted the other day

Following surgery, a lawyer woke up in the hospital. He noticed that the blinds to his room were closed.

He asked the nurse, “Why are all the blinds drawn?”

She responded, “Well, there’s a raging fire in the building across the street and the doctor didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had been a failure.”

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

79. Lawyers are like rhinoceroses, thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

[red dog 1]

81. Q) - How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) - How many can you afford?

[red dog 1]

82. What's the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?

An accountant knows he's boring.

[red dog 1]

84. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a librarian?

All the information you'll ever need, but you won't understand a word of it.

[red dog 1]

85. Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?

Because even Cupid can't shoot a target that small.

[red dog 1]

86. What is a criminal lawyer?

Redundant.

[red dog 1]

87. What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A tick falls off you when you die.

[MatthewHatesTrump2]

88. Why does the Bar Association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.