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Heartstrings

(7,349 posts)
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 05:04 PM Jun 2019

Asking for a friend....



How does one go about telling a dear opposite sex friend (and possible romantic interest) that as he’s gotten older he has developed ‘old people smell’. I think he doesn’t wash clothes and bed linen enough.


14 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Asking for a friend.... (Original Post) Heartstrings Jun 2019 OP
be straight with him Fresh_Start Jun 2019 #1
Easy to say.... Heartstrings Jun 2019 #2
tough one.. samnsara Jun 2019 #3
Smell & other human characteristics are fundamental in relationships. appalachiablue Jun 2019 #4
it's better to have someone of the same sex tip him off Skittles Jun 2019 #5
Seriously, if you have a mutual close friend who could talk to him and not implicate you in asking.. hlthe2b Jun 2019 #6
could this be a self-care issue? NJCher Jun 2019 #7
Depression is another common cause. Does he isolate himself much of the time? hlthe2b Jun 2019 #8
Just what is this 'old people smell'? I have heard it mentioned but don't HubertHeaver Jun 2019 #9
Incontinence, denture adhesive, and liniment... Harker Jun 2019 #12
That makes sense. HubertHeaver Jun 2019 #13
It's not necessarily a self care issue TexasBushwhacker Jun 2019 #10
I would want to be told cyclonefence Jun 2019 #11
My wife says, "YOU STINK!" hunter Jun 2019 #14

appalachiablue

(41,052 posts)
4. Smell & other human characteristics are fundamental in relationships.
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 05:16 PM
Jun 2019

Even if he 'cleans up' now, will things ever be okey dokey, for both? I'm a skeptic.

hlthe2b

(101,714 posts)
6. Seriously, if you have a mutual close friend who could talk to him and not implicate you in asking..
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 05:19 PM
Jun 2019

That would be best.

Some people can never get over being told by someone with whom they might be interested in having an intimate relationship, something inherently embarrassing and open to false interpretation/motivations.

That would be my suggestion if possible.

NJCher

(35,423 posts)
7. could this be a self-care issue?
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 05:33 PM
Jun 2019

Due to getting older? Sometimes people take less care of themselves as they get older--for a variety of reasons. One might be mental slip-ups due to memory issues. Maybe they forget to bath or wash. Another might be that the care is painful due to arthritis or some other condition often associated with age.

If that's the case, maybe having this taken up with a relative who can provide additional help would be a solution.

If money isn't a problem, perhaps a cleaning person or laundry service that regularly takes out the wash could work.



Harker

(13,874 posts)
12. Incontinence, denture adhesive, and liniment...
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 07:55 PM
Jun 2019

is just one of many combos you might encounter.

Having worked in an assisted living facility, I can tell you that nobody seems to know they smell, but they're pretty sure others do.

HubertHeaver

(2,520 posts)
13. That makes sense.
Fri Jun 14, 2019, 10:34 AM
Jun 2019

My grandfather always smelled of wintergreen from the snuff. The Absorbine smell I always associated with horse people.

Funky body odors can be indicative of incipient major health issues. One is not necessarily able to detect odor on oneself.

TexasBushwhacker

(20,043 posts)
10. It's not necessarily a self care issue
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 06:02 PM
Jun 2019
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_person_smell

"human odor undergoes distinct stages based on chemical changes initiated through the aging process."

cyclonefence

(4,483 posts)
11. I would want to be told
Thu Jun 13, 2019, 07:38 PM
Jun 2019

without hedging or assuming that my feelings would be hurt. It would be really tough to do, but I think you owe it to your friend to be upfront and tell him yourself. You could preface by telling him how hard it is for you because he's such a dear friend, but that you worry that you're not the only person who has noticed this.

Wouldn't you rather be told?

hunter

(38,264 posts)
14. My wife says, "YOU STINK!"
Fri Jun 14, 2019, 01:39 PM
Jun 2019

But we're both the sort who lack filters on our mouths at times. (She works harder keeping her filters up then I do.)

My wife is vegetarian, I'm just mostly vegetarian. When I eat meat, especially red meat rather than fish, she's more likely to tell me I smell bad.

I also don't exercise as much because it hurts. Arthritis sucks. When I was working at jobs requiring heavy labor, or running 5k or more (sometimes much, much more) every day, or swimming in the ocean, I'd sweat a whole lot and then shower frequently. That certainly had an impact on my skin chemistry.

And frankly, my skin chemistry isn't as wonderful as it used to be. If I shower too often I itch and it doesn't seem to matter if I use special soaps or moisturizers, whatever. And some of those potions will mutate into their own peculiar smells after a few hours.

And oh hell yes, depression plays into it too.

Maybe we're evolved that way. Apparently old men are more or less useless to the tribe. It's the grandmas who do all the work.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grandmother_hypothesis

My own family was highly matriarchal, as was my wife's. My dad grew up in a house owned by his grandma. Ranches and dairy farms were owned by the women. My great grandmas were all steely-eyed no-nonsense women of the Wild West, proficient with guns and knives and fishing poles, more competent with horses and as hunters than any of their men.

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