The Church Ladies' bulletins (Humor)

[FakeNoose]

Please don't anybody get offended, this is just silly stuff! My friend who's a nice older woman is always forwarding me her emails and sometimes they're good enough that I've posted them here on DU.

So these are snips taken from various Church Bulletins, where lack of copyediting or proofreading skills have created some unintended but (possibly) funny results.

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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced at church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want to be remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement, Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up:

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours...

[shraby]

1. Always enjoy those.

[bitterross]

2. Thank you! That was hilarious!

So funny.

[riverbendviewgal]

3. I was laughing so hard

My boyfriend came in the room son concerned. He thought I was crying. I was from laughter.

Thanks so much for these.

[Permanut]

4. Easter service..

Ladies of the church will lay eggs on the altar.

[KT2000]

5. haven't laughed that much

since tRump was installed. Thanks -

[MLAA]

6. ladies Cast off clothes, come see them! Lol

[orleans]

7. omg

haven't laughed in a long time

THANK YOU!!

i'm still smiling

[Basic LA]

8. Every one cracked me up!

Thanks so much!

[left-of-center2012]

9. ...

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.
Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

[Ohiya]

10. Thanks for posting this.

[MichMary]

11. Here's another:

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

[fleur-de-lisa]

12. Hilarious!

[Fla Dem]

13. I love these!!!

I volunteer at a pantry staffed with volunteers from 13 different churches in our area. I print these out and post on our bulletin board. Everyone gets a good laugh.

Thanks!

[Aristus]

14. "Intramural basketball season starts this week!

Come Thursday night and watch us kill Christ The King."

[Jim Lane]

15. Not a church bulletin but you reminded me of a newspaper headline

The article concerned an upcoming playoff game in New York City's Catholic Schools Athletic League, between two teams that had met in the regular season. The loser of that previous game had extra motivation, according to the writer: "Christ the King Seeks Revenge."

[geardaddy]

16. I LOLed to this one!

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

[geardaddy]

17. My late dad would have loved these!

[FailureToCommunicate]

18. As both a PK and spelling challenged, I really

appropriate these! Thanx!

[jpak]

19. LOL!

[HopeAgain]

20. Thanks!