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Why I won't be sending you a Father's Day card, by Paris Lees(from The New Statesman)
Last edited Sun Jun 15, 2014, 01:47 PM - Edit history (2)
(Note: Paris Lees is a transgendered journalist,television presenter, and activist in the UK)
http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2013/06/why-i-wont-be-sending-you-fathers-day-card
Oh Father.
Every dad, whether he admits it or not, looks for recognition on Fathers Day, but there will be no card or packaged gift from me to you this morning. Today I get to insult you simply by doing nothing. Petty, perhaps, but the only protest I can make against your impact on my life. This snub, of course, arises from social expectation the sort you tried to force on me as a child, though I suspect the irony is lost on you. I know its self-defeating to carry ill feelings. I know hate hurts the person feeling it just as much, if not more, than those it is directed towards. I believe in forgiveness, too, when people seek it. So yes, I like to think I have a big heart these days but I do still allow myself this one slight glimmer of spite.
I was bullied as a child, violently, mercilessly, and constantly. Im a woman today but back then I was seen as a sissy boy a fact knocked, kicked and thumped into me at every opportunity when I was too weak to fight back. Youre gay, the kids at school would shout, the very worst of insults back then. When shouting wasnt an option theyd write cruel things about me on bits of paper and pass them around the classroom. And when I got home I could expect a clip round the earhole for talking like a poof. I wasnt the only victim of your verbal and physical violence.
Sometimes when I tell people I no longer speak to you they assume its because of my difficult and lengthy transition from male to female. That frames me as the problem. I dont speak to you because I dont share your values and I dont like the way you treat people. I needed you to love me as a child. People assume you dont accept me but the truth is I dont accept you. I didnt write this letter to hurt you though. I didnt write this letter for you at all, actually, and I have no idea how you will feel about it or even if you will see it. The damage children suffer can be so toxic to their adult lives. This letter is for anyone whose father wasnt some romantic stereotype who pottered around the garden while mother prepared Sunday lunch.
I daresay, like my mum, youd have adjusted to my new identity given time. She wasnt there for me, either, when I first transitioned. I know what its like to spend Christmas alone because my family found my presence more awkward than rejecting me. I also know what its like to feel bullied, again, as an adult, in the streets, for daring to walk down them. The taunts became 'fucking tranny', for a while, and cruel jokes about people like me are now written in newspapers, and circulated nationally.. Thankfully I reached some kind of normality. Perhaps you were right about normality, perhaps it is the most important thing.
Every dad, whether he admits it or not, looks for recognition on Fathers Day, but there will be no card or packaged gift from me to you this morning. Today I get to insult you simply by doing nothing. Petty, perhaps, but the only protest I can make against your impact on my life. This snub, of course, arises from social expectation the sort you tried to force on me as a child, though I suspect the irony is lost on you. I know its self-defeating to carry ill feelings. I know hate hurts the person feeling it just as much, if not more, than those it is directed towards. I believe in forgiveness, too, when people seek it. So yes, I like to think I have a big heart these days but I do still allow myself this one slight glimmer of spite.
I was bullied as a child, violently, mercilessly, and constantly. Im a woman today but back then I was seen as a sissy boy a fact knocked, kicked and thumped into me at every opportunity when I was too weak to fight back. Youre gay, the kids at school would shout, the very worst of insults back then. When shouting wasnt an option theyd write cruel things about me on bits of paper and pass them around the classroom. And when I got home I could expect a clip round the earhole for talking like a poof. I wasnt the only victim of your verbal and physical violence.
Sometimes when I tell people I no longer speak to you they assume its because of my difficult and lengthy transition from male to female. That frames me as the problem. I dont speak to you because I dont share your values and I dont like the way you treat people. I needed you to love me as a child. People assume you dont accept me but the truth is I dont accept you. I didnt write this letter to hurt you though. I didnt write this letter for you at all, actually, and I have no idea how you will feel about it or even if you will see it. The damage children suffer can be so toxic to their adult lives. This letter is for anyone whose father wasnt some romantic stereotype who pottered around the garden while mother prepared Sunday lunch.
I daresay, like my mum, youd have adjusted to my new identity given time. She wasnt there for me, either, when I first transitioned. I know what its like to spend Christmas alone because my family found my presence more awkward than rejecting me. I also know what its like to feel bullied, again, as an adult, in the streets, for daring to walk down them. The taunts became 'fucking tranny', for a while, and cruel jokes about people like me are now written in newspapers, and circulated nationally.. Thankfully I reached some kind of normality. Perhaps you were right about normality, perhaps it is the most important thing.
Posted in solidarity with the trans community and for everyone who's childhood was NOT like something out of a Father's Day ad.
Thanks, of course, to those fathers who weren't and aren't like Paris Lees'.
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Why I won't be sending you a Father's Day card, by Paris Lees(from The New Statesman) (Original Post)
Ken Burch
Jun 2014
OP
Ken Burch
(50,254 posts)1. More, from the article:
I dont know what I would do without my mum these days and the rest of my family. They got on board. If they hadnt I suspect I would still be trapped inside the house popping antidepressants and waiting for people who are not you to bring me food. Or worse. I read a study recently. It compared transgender people who have family support with those who do not. Guess what? Of those who were supported, none faced housing problems, 72 per cent reported life satisfaction and 4 per cent had attempted suicide. Those who werent supported gave rather different feedback. Over half faced housing problems and just 33 per cent reported life satisfaction. Saddest of all, 57 per cent had attempted suicide. They dont print stuff like this in Fathers Day cards.
Id like to tell you about my friend Fox. He was born female. This is what happened when he told his father he wanted to transition: Dad stood up and cut off my sentence, saying I think I know what youre going to say, and I want you to know I support you 100 per cent. It was exactly what I needed to hear and it brought us much closer together. Foxs dad Bryan still gets cards on Fathers Day and the only thing that has changed is the gender of one of the senders: I had two daughters, but I now have a daughter and a son. My wife and I are both proud of his achievements and willingness to promote transgender issues. He told me hes pleased Fox opened up to him because he cares for his son and each day of living a lie is a day unfulfilled.
Im telling you this because I want you to know, Father, that it is possible to love your child even though they are different.
I know it can be hard for parents. I know you probably didnt know any better. The lack of information about people like me in the media and the way we are demonized by the tabloids doesnt help. Im trying to change that now, Father, through dialogue, empathy and compassion. Check out the work Im doing with All About Trans raising awareness among media professionals. Theres a great deal of progress to be made. Many trans people are still rejected by their families when they transition and fear of this often keeps them from transitioning at all. They miss out on the fulfilling lives that I, and many like me, have been lucky enough to secure.
So thats why today, Father, honestly, if I were to send a card, it would be addressed to me.
Paris.
Id like to tell you about my friend Fox. He was born female. This is what happened when he told his father he wanted to transition: Dad stood up and cut off my sentence, saying I think I know what youre going to say, and I want you to know I support you 100 per cent. It was exactly what I needed to hear and it brought us much closer together. Foxs dad Bryan still gets cards on Fathers Day and the only thing that has changed is the gender of one of the senders: I had two daughters, but I now have a daughter and a son. My wife and I are both proud of his achievements and willingness to promote transgender issues. He told me hes pleased Fox opened up to him because he cares for his son and each day of living a lie is a day unfulfilled.
Im telling you this because I want you to know, Father, that it is possible to love your child even though they are different.
I know it can be hard for parents. I know you probably didnt know any better. The lack of information about people like me in the media and the way we are demonized by the tabloids doesnt help. Im trying to change that now, Father, through dialogue, empathy and compassion. Check out the work Im doing with All About Trans raising awareness among media professionals. Theres a great deal of progress to be made. Many trans people are still rejected by their families when they transition and fear of this often keeps them from transitioning at all. They miss out on the fulfilling lives that I, and many like me, have been lucky enough to secure.
So thats why today, Father, honestly, if I were to send a card, it would be addressed to me.
Paris.