A Few Thoughts on This Admission: I Am Old
A Few Thoughts on This Admission: I Am Old
by Douglas Penick | September 25, 2023 - 5:57am
Much to my surprise, I find that I’m now part of a large minority that is often ignored, frequently disdained, and regularly segregated.
I am old.
And indeed, it’s quite a shock to find that the world in which I worked, struggled, dreamed, and loved now regards me quite differently than it did only 10 years ago. Growing old, it seems, is a condition that Western post-industrial society and culture do not consider meaningful, useful, or even valid. And yet, the truth is, and this is also a surprise, that as we become old, we enter a time of life, even with its losses and deficits, that is not a defective version of youth or middle age, but is something quite different, with its own qualities, discoveries, and surprises.
“Ageism” is an attitude people inflict on themselves. Old people are what almost everyone will become. But somehow, this part of existence is treated as something that must be actively ignored, as if old age were an infectious disease transmitted by acknowledging it. Or a misfortune that can be averted by denying it. “You’re only as old as you think you are,” said my son recently. “Only young people think that,” I snapped. Contemplating dying and death is, it seems, more appealing than imagining being old.
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We cannot escape the fact that old age is a time of loss. Old, we experience depletion in many parts of our lives. Our bodies and senses weaken, become unreliable in unforeseen ways, fall subject to illness, and require more attention simply to continue a reasonable level of function. More difficult is the loss of friends and family and the changes in the social institutions where we once had a place. Most difficult and certainly most frightening is the threat or actual loss of mental capacity. None of these occurrences are part of how we thought of ourselves or planned our future. As we age, our lives become strangely unrecognizable. We realize that life is no longer in our control. And old age ends only when we enter a terrain that is truly and completely unknown.
Thus, more than any other time in life, old age is the time of deepest and most pervasive uncertainty. The uncertainty regarding our financial sustainability is not the least of these, but somehow comes to epitomize the perilousness of our situation. How we will manage being ourselves, being in our world, is no longer obvious. So we feel the world moving away from us. We can no longer reach out and grasp and cling, control and shape what’s happening. Our future is no longer limitless. It is genuinely and utterly unknowable.
But as the world becomes perhaps more distant and out of our control, we begin to see patterns we had never imagined or only dimly sensed. Our world, our selves become less stable and less secure. Everything is more intensely transitory. Situations, objects, places, people become, moment by moment, very deeply to be cherished, valued; loved, not in spite of being impermanent, but because they and we are only together for this moment. Colors become more vivid, momentary smells, sudden sounds, temperatures and textures, memories, ideas, gestures appear, vanish, and only briefly detach themselves from the flow of sensoria. We take less and less for granted.
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http://www.smirkingchimp.com/thread/douglas-penick/107804/a-few-thoughts-on-this-admission-i-am-old
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I don't mean to be flippant or facetious, but we have MAID - Medical Assistance In Dying as one avenue. I know one person who has chosen that route. That isn't exactly a panacea, though, is it?
In my case, the titanium heart valve requires that the risk of clotting is reduced, because it's not "if" you will throw a clot, but "when." So, I take anti-coagulants every day, which is a double benefit to me, because strokes killed my father and both of his parents. Anything that reduces the risk is welcome here.
But the dementia??? Holy hell, that is a poison pill. When you are firmly in its grip, MAID isn't an option, for obvious reasons, but that's just my reaction. I've not read anything definitive on that. It is an unbelievably cruel and destructive, and all I can hope for is some promising stem cell therapy. My mother had a syndrome very like Alz's, and my younger sister died of a "Parkinsonism" called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. She was sharp and aware right up to the end, so I'm not sure it's part of a genetic pattern or not.
In Jeannie's case, we are watchful and more than ready to help, but what else can we do? She has a very busy life, which is good, and during downtime, she does jigsaws, which I hope is stimulating her brain. My wife often does them with her. She is increasingly clumsy, and gets a lot more things wrong than in earlier years, and it's awful to watch.
I share a thought that I didn't voice until someone else did, but I think it's a strong possibility that J's friend might refuse surgery and let the very aggressive and fast-moving cancer take her.
I know your final question was of a more general, societal nature, but I'm afraid I have nothing concrete to offer. Thank you for your interest, though. 
