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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsA personal story (my story): Dealing with family members that have mental issues
Last edited Sat Jul 21, 2012, 06:23 AM - Edit history (1)
I've been reading comments all over the internet this evening and I've seen many folks state that 'the parents of James Holmes' should have done something - and this is WRONG! It is UNFAIR and not right to blame the parents.
I do not know about what can be done in 'all' of the states, but I do know that not much at all can not be done in Illinois and in Texas 'BY THE FAMILY' when the person with the problem is of legal age.
My mother suffered from 'bipolar disorder' for the majority of her life. I grew up with my grandmother due to the fact that my mother was in and out of a couple hospitals when I was young. By the time I was older, I tried my hand at trying to get her help and it always ended up to be a futile attempt and in the end left me more upset due to the 'system' then when I started.
Once I traveled from Texas to Illinois to drive my Mother to a hospital because she said she would admit herself for help to get back on her meds. After driving two days to get up there to her in order to take her to the hospital after we arrived at the hospital she told the doctor that absolutely NOTHING was wrong with her and that I - yes I - was making up a story to just get rid of her so I could take her house away from her. She was living in a house at the time that was on the verge of being condemned and I had NO desire to take her house since I was living in Texas in with my husband in a brand new 4 bedroom home on twenty-five acres at the time.
The doctors believed her and would not admit her to the hospital, since she refused to be admitted.
A few years later while visiting family in Illinois - my Mother was even worse than the other time I tried to get her help. One evening when several family members were at my aunt's house my Mother was 'brushing the carpet' with a hair brush - in her mind she was brushing my hair and was rattling on about it asking everyone "Isn't my daughter's long hair beautiful... " We called the police department for help and they transported her to the county hospital 10 miles away. I followed the police car in my car. A doctor talked to her in an exam room for about 30 minutes then came out into the waiting room and asked ME if I was ashamed of myself for trying to get her committed in order to steal HER MONEY!
She had NO money - but that is what she told the doctor and HE believed her.
A good 20 years before all of that happened - after she gave birth to my half-sister she had a total mental breakdown and my grandmother (who was alive at the time, in the 1960s) had her committed to the state hospital, apparently family members could do that back then. The father of my half-sister and half-brother received 'temporary custody' but ended up taking them up to Canada where he was born and we never saw either of the kids again for the next 20+ years.
When my sister was in her early 20s and living in Alabama she found our family (my grandmother, aunt and me - my Mother by that time had already passed away). I was living in Texas by then and I sent her an airplane ticket to come to visit. She was the spitting image of my mother: her looks, mannerisms, etc. - sadly she also inherited my mother bipolar disorder. We had a wonderful week spending time looking at pictures of family that she had never grew up with or met before, telling family stories, going places together, etc. And then she went back to where she came from.
Then all hell broke lose after she stopped taking her medication. She showed up at my elderly grandmother's house in Illinois. She would sit in the living room reading books that were upside down, and other bizarre things. One night she went into my grandmother's bedroom in the middle of the night and started 'chanting' with her arms stretched out like she was nailed to a cross and told my grandmother that she was going to kill her so that she would go to heaven to be with Jesus.
The next day my aunt put her on a bus and sent her away.
A couple of weeks later she showed up back on my doorstep. I knew what had happened up at my grandmother's house so we drove her to Parkland Hospital in Dallas in order to try to get the doctors to get her back on her meds - and MY GOD it was like dealing with my Mother all over again. I told the doctor that my sister had been admitted to hospitals in Boston and in Indiana within the past year and that she had gone off of her medicine. Of course my sister DENIED everything and the doctor came out of the exam room and accused ME of making things up.
I know that probably many folks will think bad of me - BUT I told the doctor that I had not grown up with my half-sister and that she was not my responsibility and that I was going to leave her there with him and NOT take her home with me. YES that sounds bad, but unless you've lived thru all the years that I had I think folks can't understand how emotional and stressful it can be.
Three days later I received a call from my sister - she told me that she had being wandering around the hospital and 'patients' had been sharing their food with her. I told her to tell the doctor that ''she had a problem and that she wanted to be admitted in order to get back on her meds'' and she told me NO that she would not. I hung up.
Then three days after that I received a call from the Salvation Army that was located across the street from Parkland Hospital (at least it was back then) - they told me that my sister was there and that I needed to come pick her up! I told them that it was THEM that needed to take her across the street to the hospital in order to get her back on her meds - then I hung up.
Well, finally she was admitted to the hospital and got on her meds and she got into the Texas system. She eventually received disability checks and housing. And then after that I lost track of her.
You may think that I am a horrible person - but I really am not. It is very difficult getting help for family members that have mental disorders.
Things need to be changed because the way the system is now IT SUCKS. And I hope that folks will realize when they read stories about a family that 'have not been able to help with family members that have mental disorders' that it is usually because there is NOTHING that the family can legally do to help.
Goodnight.
DCKit
(18,541 posts)For all I know, I'm the crazy one, but I tend to relate to y'all on DU, so I'm doubting my insanity.
Seriously though, I'm so sorry for you. My family is nuts and we've got issues to work out, but I don't think we've reached that level. I'll let you know when we do.
Tx4obama
(36,974 posts)I don't like to talk about personal issues here on DU, and I left out the majority of the horrendous things that happened over the years.
I just felt like I needed to say something because I believe that folks that do not have a person in their family that has a mental disorder (that is of legal age) has no way to understand how difficult it is to get them help.
I cringe every time someone hurts or kills someone and then folks try to blame the family.
It is NOT the family that is to blame - it is the 'system' that does not allow the family to do something!
ejpoeta
(8,933 posts)to help them you get blamed. I don't blame you at all. I think it's amazing that you did all you did in the first place. You could have just stopped answering the phone or called the cops. I know my husband's dad is an alcoholic and addict and would call and bob would talk to him on the phone. He has had a stroke and had his leg amputated. They keep saying he is on death's doorstep.
We went down there (to florida) once to try to give him a chance to make things right. He acted like he wanted to go straight. When it came time to actually go to the hospital he refused. That was the end of that. We left. He had his chance. There comes a time when you just have to let go. You are not responsible for them. You can give them the chance but then the ball is in their court.
You don't need to feel ashamed about that either. And others shouldn't try to make you feel ashamed. There is only so much you can do. They are adults and they need to take responsibilty for themselves. Bob's grandmother is still getting suckered by this guy. He is her son and she feels responsible. He so takes advantage of her. I know it isn't the same exact thing, though he could have some underlying mental issue I don't know. At some point you have to let go. You can't be held responsible for someone who refuses to get help. You have your own family to think about and take care of.
I live in ny and back in 95 I was involuntarily admitted to the hospital. Though I admitted my suicidal tendencies. I think here you need a doctor and two family members to get someone admitted under that kind of thing. I have a friend who is anorexic and her husband has been trying to get her into the hospital for years. Her family refuses to help him. They don't think there is anything wrong with his wife.
You can only do what you can do. If they don't want to get help, it may tear you apart, but you can't force them. Sounded like your mom was having a fun game with you. You did the right thing about the sister.
DCKit
(18,541 posts)is a teabagger.
I'm not slamming the transgenders, but she wanted to be a boy only because she thought she was missing out on something, not because she thought she should be a boy One of those people who will never be happy, no matter what.
And she thinks "being a man" only involves being aggressive. It didn't sell well when she had her tits, either. I tried to explain it to her then, but it didn't take.
Yeah, I know all about fucked-up families.
lillypaddle
(9,581 posts)There are always people who are quick to blame.
Tx4obama
(36,974 posts)freshwest
(53,661 posts)You have nothing to be ashamed of in this situation. Thanks for being who you are, no matter what happened.
DesertDiamond
(1,616 posts)I've lived with mental illness, although it was a boyfriend, not my mother. And I have dealt with mental illness in others, and yes, in California too, the laws protect the mentally ill to the point it's pretty much impossible to get them help. In the town I currently live in, I and some of my friends had someone calling us with threats at all hours of the day and night, and even went to the house of one friend, punched that friend and knocked him down, and walked into the house and into the daughter's room. STILL could not even get a restraining order, let alone a 72 hour hold! I understand the need for laws to protect the severely mentally ill, but there must be some way to also protect them from themselves.
Shankapotomus
(4,840 posts)After your mother, how much more can a person allow the quality of their one life to be brought down in the dumps? You've paid your dues with your mother so you should never feel guilty about not wanting to go through another round. It's the quality of your life we're talking about. It's unfair for the second half of your life to be made miserable after you've already sacrificed so much of the first half. It's someone else's turn to carry the burden. You go and enjoy your life.
Firebrand Gary
(5,044 posts)For years we have dealt with similar issues in my family, many who ended up in various addictions that just became totally unmanageable for me to handle.
I understand.
mnhtnbb
(31,416 posts)I have a childhood friend (we're 61) who is frightened that her adult son (early 20's) is either seriously depressed,
bi-polar, or schizophrenic. She's divorced from the dad--for many years. She lives in PA and the son is in Chicago.
She's made numerous trips the last several months trying to get the son to come to PA so she can get him
evaluated by a psychiatrist. She herself has been seeing a shrink for help in dealing with the situation.
She just this week, after the umpteenth visit to Chicago, has gotten him to agree to come back to PA with her.
I'm sure this event in Aurora has her scared to death.
It is the system. Once someone is an adult, there's very little that can be done to help an individual with mental health problems if
they decline care. It's extremely frustrating for family and very sad. There has to be a better way.
dballance
(5,756 posts)He was the handsome, charming, talented type. I was the computer & band nerd. His treatment of my mother and me was awful to the point I seriously considered how I could provoke an attack wherein I could shoot him and make it look like self-defense.
Everyone at school thought he was wonderful because he hid his actions. Only his poor girlfriends got to know the real him.
My father finally managed to get him committed after he assaulted my mother and the police became involved.
So no, I don't think you are horrible at all. You did the right thing leaving her at the hospital. You couldn't have helped her if you took her.
randome
(34,845 posts)I know something of your frustration.
My mother is a hoarder. Over the years, I tried everything to get her to change. Rational argument, trying to clean everything myself. Encouragement, embarrassment, shouting.
None of it worked. To this day, she still gets occasional citations from the city health authorities because, inside and out, her home is a garbage dump.
She eventually ended up marrying a paroled sex offender.
She will be stubborn unto death.
raccoon
(31,131 posts)proud2BlibKansan
(96,793 posts)It's so true. It took my family member, who had insurance, 5 years to get a diagnosis, a year to get the right meds and then nearly a decade as an inpatient before she was able to live somewhat independently.
After 20 years, she maxed out her insurance and was forced to go on disability in order to get Medicaid. That started the diagnostic process all over again. And it forced her to stop working. She had a part time job for years and loved it. Now she sits at home all day, not medicated correctly.
The mental health system is fucked up.
Ruby the Liberal
(26,219 posts)In fact, I (well, my mother) could have written much of this. Her mother (my Grandmother) is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and has done the same - agrees to get back on the meds, then when taken to the hospital/doctor, claims everyone is after her house. She lives in pre-assisted living. There is no house.
Her 93 year old next door neighbor was a retired missionary with a church. When his wife died a few years ago, she got in her head that all of the visitors to his apartment meant that he was dealing drugs, so she kept calling the facility management and police over it. He has since died - but she still won't give up her stories of living next to a "drug dealer".
It culminated in April when all 5'5" 110 pounds of her decided she needed to lose weight, so threw away the food that was brought to her and my grandfather by the staff at the facility every day. He ended up in the hospital 3x in under 3 weeks from dehydration before he collapsed and died of the same.
She still doesn't comprehend the fact that she is sick because the two of them spent decades playing the "if we don't talk about it, it isn't an issue" game. This is not a kind woman, this is a mean and vindictive woman. Thank God she is too frail to do anyone else any harm any longer, but back in the late 80s-90s, seeing her picture in the paper next to <horrific crime headline> wouldn't have surprised me one whit.
And there is nothing that anyone could do then - or now.
I get it.
elleng
(131,370 posts)the 'horribles' are the 'doctors' who failed to recognize your mother's and sister's problem.
Yes, we all have a problem, it takes a village, and unless/until we all recognize it, horrible things will continue to occur.
coalition_unwilling
(14,180 posts)definitely not a horrible person. The system is horrible.
And given the increasingly-acknowledged and understood role of genetics in pre-disposing victims to mental illness, blaming it on poor or inadequate parenting really takes the fucking cake.
You and I may disagree on things political, but on this we are in full 100% accord.
yardwork
(61,772 posts)Our laws don't allow people to be involuntarily committed anymore, and while that does prevent unethical things from happening, it leaves people who have family members who are seriously ill with very few options. Plus our mental health care system is practically nonexistent in this country. There are just so few options.
It's frustrating to me that every time there is a massacre like this the argument revolves around gun control, which I think is completely beside the point. The weapons are not the cause here. The cause is a young person who clearly has very serious mental health problems. Most people with mental illnesses are not violent, but every now and then one is. And many others are violent against themselves. It's a national tragedy that is being completely ignored and denied by almost all politicians.
I read a book written by a woman whose mother had serious mental health issues. She talked about her feelings of helplessness and how difficult it was to cope with her mother's anger and resentment at efforts to help her. Maybe you would find this interesting, to read about another person who experienced similar issues:
http://www.amazon.com/Wishing-Snow-Memoir-Minrose-Gwin/dp/0062046349/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342886706&sr=1-1&keywords=minrose+gwin
flamingdem
(39,336 posts)We all need to understand much better what happens when mental illness impacts a family.
Tobin S.
(10,418 posts)that when you and your family member walk through the door of the emergency room, you are both complete strangers to everyone working there. If your mentally ill relative all of the sudden starts acting sane when you get her to the hospital and she refuses treatment, there isn't much that can be done and the hospital worker really may not know who to believe.
I've been hospitalized three times because of my bipolar disorder and it was all voluntary. I've been well now for 9 years. You are right in that you cannot force an adult to be hospitalized for mental health problems, but I think that's a good thing. Imagine if you could. Just think about it a little.
eridani
(51,907 posts)Mimosa
(9,131 posts)Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I can picture how difficult it must have been dealing with the misinformed medical professionals.
I once had to legally battle a very close relative in able to get guardianship of an elderly family member, 20 something years later the memory wrenches my insides.
Like physical diseases mental disorders can be heritable. Or not.
I wonder whether Holmes has any brothers or sisters?
a kennedy
(29,771 posts)you have to realize that you have done and have lived through all of your sisters lives.......good night, and tomorrow is another day. Just DO what you need to do to survive.