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Wed Mar 22, 2017, 05:58 PM

Humpday Clusterf**k Roundup: March 22 "AHCA" Edition

Today's Clusterf**k Highlight

"Obamacare Repeal/Replace" aka "Affordable Health Care Annihilation" or AHCA

The story so far:

A signature campaign promise, there was SO much support for this among GOPpies in general and Trumpettes in particular that the policy geniuses (genii?) at the White House put it number two (how shatteringly appropriate!) on their "to do" list, right after kicking out the Muslims. Seemed like an easy gimme, with majorities in both houses and six years' work behind the scenes to craft the perfect solution.

So far behind the scenes that, when the time came, no one could find the draft to dust off and send over, so they can run it against the checklist of promises like "you can keep your doctor," "everyone will be covered," "Prescription drugs will be way cheaper," "no more mandate," "no Medicaid for all the undeserving people," "lower cost," and "reduce the deficit," and then add a few tax breaks for the big donors. Before holding the grand unveiling of the Perfect Solution to the Apocalyptic Disaster of Obamacare to universal hosannas and sending back to Congress to pass in a unanimous party-line vote.

Which meant they had to cobble something together from scratch, pulling together all the expert resources on health care, insurance, medicaid, healthcare economics, technology, budget management, state-by-state Obamacare implementation status, and so on and on and on. Fortunately when you have control of the Executive Branch which supplies leadership to all the various departments and functions of government, you can do that in jiggety time. Assuming you've filled all the leadership appointments with people who thoroughly understand and are ready to work with, motivate, and inspire cooperation from their departments.

Oops. So, here we go: Toss the ball to Ryan.

Got it, sir. No problem.

Someone here must remember where we stored all that careful work we were doing for the last six years on a better alternative to the civilization-destroying Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, aka "ACA", aka "Obamacare." Anybody? Darryl, did you check the closet in your scheduler's office? No?

Dayum. Well, we all know what's wrong with the hellmaw that is Obamacare, and we have this list of campaign promises, we can pull an all-nighter or two and crash out something, right? Someone get Tom Price on speed dial, and Trey, you order the pizza.

Okay, everyone, here we are, ready to craft the perfect replacement for the Nightmare that is the ACA, and here's the list: Has to drop the mandate, we can't force people to participate in the risk pool, right? UnAmerican, that. And it has to be cheaper for the people who DO participate. Somehow. And they have to be able to stick with their doctors... and it has to cost less... and...

Close that door, kick out the press. We'll get back to you.

Sure we can get this done in the first hundred days, no problem, Your Orangitude. Got the interns in there typing now.

SPICEY! Get over here. Haul out the props table. Here's the deal-- we did it, and it's SMALLER!

No, not "the biggest", that's a BAD thing here. Smaller, right? Get it?

Everybody loves it. Promise. His Orangitude's hardly gonna be able to walk for all the roses they're gonna throw. Seriously.

But we gotta get it through FAST, before too many town halls happen. Fast, you hear?

Steve? You got something HELPFUL to add?

Yeah, I know we all complained bitterly about how Obama rushed everything through in a mere four months, this is NOT HELPFUL, Steve, shut up and sit down.

At least we have a stack of paper.

It's got a GREAT name, it's got "America" in the name. THEIR bill didn't have "America" in the name.

F**k the CBO, they're a bunch of liberal shills, we all know that.

No, Frank, you may NOT mention who nominated Keith Hall, sit down and shut up.

How many of the campaign promises does it keep... A couple... well, one at least... The TAX CREDITS! Look at the TAX CREDITS! This is miles better than the rending maelstrom of horror that is Obamacare.

And if you weenie Freedom Caucus snowflakes can't handle a few town halls, just lock yourselves in your offices until the vote. Turn off the phones. Whaddaya mean, Alex Jones knows your "secret number?"

We have ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CONFIDENCE that this bill will pass. Tomorrow.

Because no one would DARE vote against it, and risk the wrath of a President with a massive 37% approval rating.

And access to all of Uncle Vladdy's kompromat files.

Happy Humpday Clusterf**k, everyone!


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