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Tue Jan 10, 2017, 03:49 PM

F#ck this austerity shit. I may end up in a cardboard box under a freeway bridge again.

Here we go again.
Watch out, anyone who reads this, I'm cutting loose my rage.
PTSD runs deep in me. Starting from when my father attempted to murder me at 16 years old because he found out I am gay. I'd put up with extraordinary bullying for two years previous to my dad's horrible act, and I ended up 1000 miles from my home dumpster diving, hustling, anything I could do to survive. And sleeping in a big cardboard box I found to stay warm and dry in a hiding place in the city. I can only thank some kind people who are long dead now for helping me with a hand up.
It's been a long struggle, I've never known a "conventional" home. I live in a travel trailer now and and took blood, sweat and more agonizing times scraping and scrimping to even afford this. And I have absolute rage towards every Republican asshole who made it harder to get myself even into a modest home 40 years later.
I got badly hurt in another anti-gay hate crime in 2009. My insurance kicked me off their plan. I had several surgeries I had to pay for on Care Credit and cash. It wiped out all my retirement savings. I've started a plan again, but still have largely nothing to depend on when the time comes beyond social security retirement to scrape by on to my grave.
Every time these favor-the-rich and screw-the-poor bastards gain power, I've ended up unemployed and homeless again. End of the Bush II era my dog and I were sleeping in my car at the hot springs till I could finally get a contract, few and far between at the time.
With the last 8 years of President Obama, things finally, really, did "get better" for me. I'm finally considered an equal to the straights, finally not facing the prospect of getting thrown out of another job or another place to park my home because of some holier than thou fucker who hates LGBT.
Now I see an incoming administration that threatens to reverse all that and bring back the "good ol days" of fucking the poor in the holy name of Jeebus all over again. And it makes me sick. Literally. I'm on BP meds again, and although I'm fairly secure in my job now, I've seen changes of management that turned that security on it's head for me.
The odd part is, I often dream of how I actually felt safe, for the first time in years, hiding in a cardboard box under a freeway bridge. I knew, being far from the bullies, far from my father who would have tried again to put me in a grave, far from the same motherfuckers who I have little doubt have put the orange clown in office. The same who think it would be "christian" for me to be tortured and killed. The same who are just fucking Nazis, deep down inside their rotten souls.
I've adopted, inadvertently, some Buddhist philosophy in my life: in that the times I had nothing to eat, nowhere to sleep, and no one who cared, I had to learn to love and accept myself, as I am.
But for once in my metal box I live in now, I felt confident that things had changed for the better. I felt I finally had a place in the world and a stake in my future once again.
And then the Donald. He lied, as he constantly does, saying there is no better friend to the gays, turned right around and appointed the most greedy, homophobic, racist, unprincipled, selfish, self-righteous set of cabinet ever a nightmare could assemble.
It's never failed. Every time republicans get power, after a few years I'm homeless again.
Fuck this austerity shit.

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Reply F#ck this austerity shit. I may end up in a cardboard box under a freeway bridge again. (Original post)
lambchopp59 Jan 2017 OP
Mika Jan 2017 #1
lambchopp59 Jan 2017 #2
Mika Jan 2017 #3
lambchopp59 Jan 2017 #4
Mika Jan 2017 #5
notdarkyet Jan 2017 #6
rug Jan 2017 #7
hamsterjill Jan 2017 #8
classykaren Jan 2017 #9

Response to lambchopp59 (Original post)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 04:07 PM

1. I wish all the best for you, including peace.

 




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Response to Mika (Reply #1)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 04:46 PM

2. Peace comes medicated for me at this juncture.

But it is cathartic to share sometimes too. I just took my Valium Rx, so soon it will all be a fake sense of well being and BP down. I'm working on finishing a 14 chapter autobiographical novel. Only medicated can I put the words down.
Peace. Yes. I pray to Allah or any deity for it in the face of an idiot who can't even recognize the irony of beefing up our nuclear arsenal till.... I can't even fathom... who develops the maturity to handle it.

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Response to lambchopp59 (Reply #2)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 04:56 PM

3. It was the Obama admin that announced the 1 trillion dollar nuclear upgrades several months ago.

 

Of course, Trump takes "credit" for that Obama admin move.


Best wishes to you.




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Response to Mika (Reply #3)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 05:12 PM

4. Difference being: I'd trust President Obama with judicious decisions in war.

Trump and trust are contradictions in terms.

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Response to lambchopp59 (Reply #4)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 05:14 PM

5. Of course. n/t

 

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Response to lambchopp59 (Original post)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 06:06 PM

6. I slept in a cardboard box. I actually felt safe there like you.

I have lived in a small trailer for four years till my sister bought a house in Oregon where she moved with the kids. So now my brother, friend and I share my sisters house, which is pretty big, we all have our own bedroom and two baths. A washer and dryer and a dishwasher which I never had one before. I hope things turn around or stay calm for you. I really liked my trailer.

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Response to lambchopp59 (Original post)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 06:09 PM

7. Righteous.

 

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Response to lambchopp59 (Original post)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 06:19 PM

8. I just want to tell you to hang in there.

Pretty pitiful for me to say that to you, right? With all that you've been through? But, it's all I've got right now.

Everything you said is true, and I have my own fears and concerns because of Trump. It's the first thing that has popped in my head every morning since the day after the election, and I wake up and immediately start crying because I live in fear. Different fears, perhaps, than some of yours. But relevant to me. The fear that we are all feeling is relevant to each of us in our own way. Because we all know that despite some trying to tell us that everything is going to be okay - that it's NOT going to be okay.

All I know, and all I know to say to you, is to hang in there. Don't let the bastards win. Because if we all give up, they do. They win.

We have all got to learn to stick together. To support one another and to take care of one another in ways that many of us have never learned before.

You matter. I matter. We all matter. We all have this one trip through this thing called life, and we've got to learn to help each other when it's our turn to be down and out.

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Response to lambchopp59 (Original post)

Tue Jan 10, 2017, 06:43 PM

9. Hang in there we will do all we can to help you. He may be getting impeached very shortly.

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