"Come on in, Donald; you said you'd like some advice. Glad to help. First of all, this will be your desk. The top drawer has all the pens, pencils and post-it notes you'll need. There's also a box of those souvenir pens for signing important legislation. For the regular stuff you can use one of these Bics. In this other drawer there's a stapler and a box of paper clips and some of those big binder clips. You can keep anything you want in the big drawers, like press clippings and that spray tan you like.
"This is the phone. It's just a regular phone - you can't start World War III on it; you have to use the one in the Situation Room for that. There's a manual in the desk that explains the functions, but basically you can press this button to get your secretary. Kellyanne? These are the speed dial buttons. I've already programmed the cabinet secretaries' office numbers but you probably will want to put Vladimir Putin's number in there too. I don't have it; I don't call him very much.
"Here's the Football. You've probably heard about the president's football; well, this is it. It's a nice one, isn't it? Regulation NFL. It's even got some autographs. Here's Dan Marino, Brett Favre; look, here's Tom Brady. Joe and I used to toss it around out there on the lawn. The thing is, you have to take it with you wherever you go. That's kind of inconvenient sometimes, but it's a custom or something, like pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey.
"Over here is the bathroom. It's nice to have a private bathroom but just keep in mind that the plumbing is kind of old so the toilet doesn't always flush properly. You might have to jiggle the handle, like this. It's best not to use a whole lot of toilet paper because once in awhile it clogs and that can be a little embarrassing if it was somebody like the President of France who was using it. Or Vladimir Putin. Just don't try to flush a lot of you-know-what down it at once. So maybe you shouldn't let Steve Bannon use it at all.
"You can do some redecorating but it has to be approved by the Commission for the Preservation of the White House, so the Baroque whorehouse look is gonna be a non-starter. It doesn't match the place at all. Congress has to allocate funds for decorating, so you won't be able to do much gold-plating. You can get some new drapes, a rug, maybe some knick-knacks - a few busts of yourself, maybe. That wall over there might work for that painting of you that your foundation bought, and I know you have a lot of other pictures of yourself that you could put up. I mean, paintings of Washington and Jefferson and those guys are all over the place; you should have something you really like to look at, right?
"As for the rest of it, you're on your own. You have the best mind, right? So, no problem. Just don't let the toilet overflow and you'll be fine. See ya...."
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