Overheard at the GOP Base Returns and Exchanges Department:

[Tommy_Carcetti]

"Jeez, I hate doing this. Listen, I'm going to have to return this one. No, don't get me wrong. This one's great. It says all the right, crazy whacked out shit that I want to hear. I absolutely love the whole anti-immigrant thing, the self-aggrandizing, the petty insults, the ultra-thin skin, the Twitter meltdowns, the whole package."

"The problem though is.....well, the neighbors hate it. They say it keeps them up all night screeching about 'I'm going to build a big wall!' and 'Loser!' and 'Huge!' and all that sort of stuff. And not that I actually give a shit about my neighbors, but their whining annoys me, and well, I really don't want to have to deal with that."

"So I'm looking to exchange this one out for something else. You know, something that says things that are just as bat shit crazy as the things this one says, but says them in a calmer, more approachable, more likeable tone. You know, one who you don't immediately want to slug between the eyes the moment you see it. So what else do you have?"
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"Oh......okay. Yeah. That technically works, but......the problem is, that's last year's model. And I'm just afraid that if I go around parading last year's stuff, I'll just be laughed out of the room. They'll just think I'm living in the past. I mean, I might as well be posting Bitstrips to my Myspace Page about doing the Harlem Shake while talking on my flip phone, you know what I mean? Anything else?"
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"No, I said something that didn't want to make people punch it in the face."
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"Hmm.....I guess it could work. I mean, the whole 'Let's shut down the government, come on, it will be fun' thing--I love it. Plus the whole poor timing low blow jokes against political opponents, I really dig. Still....there's the whole Hispanic Canadian thing. What the hell's that about? Is that even like a real thing? I mean that's just....weird. Right? What person even thinks of that sort of stuff?"

"Do you have anything else? Maybe something that comes from a non-political background that, while impressive, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever in one's ability to actually lead a government?"

"Oh, and do you have anything that comes in black? Supposedly that sort of thing goes a long way in making me look less like....well, me."
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"Perfect."