A Few Simple Rules for #BlackLivesMatter
Because I am a lifelong Caucasian who thinks black people are okay and considers herself highly knowledgeable about the black experience of life in America based on the number of black friends I have and more than three months on a mostly black dorm wing during my college years a few decades back, I feel free to let all you #BlackLivesMatter folks know that you're doing it wrong.
In the spirit of helpful, allied cooperation, because, really, your agenda is my agenda, we totally want the same things: Police need to stop feeling free to kill black people. It reflects REALLY BADLY on America, on America's communities, and on everybody who lives in them including us white folks, so it should really stop.
See? I'm on your side.
So I know you'll take this constructive criticism in the helpful spirit it is given.
Oh, and by the way, if I need to present any more credentials about why I'm the right person to be telling y'all how to run your movement, keep in mind that in addition to being well-intentioned and knowing a lot about the black experience, I'm kinda old and I've been around and seen, like the Civil Rights movement and stuff. I even marched with SNCC and did some heavy-duty sign-making back then, so you know I know what I'm talking about, okay?
Alrighty, then.
See, here's the deal: Y'all are defeating your own ends, going about this thing all wrong. We all want you to succeed, so if you just adhere to these few simple rules, it'll all work out, jiggety-split. And no, that was NOT a racial epithet, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE, OKAY? That's, like, rule one:
1. When someone not-black tells you they're not a racist, BELIEVE them and totally give them the benefit of the doubt if they inadvertently or accidentally exhibit racist behaviors or privileged assumptions. You hurt their feelings when you call them on it, and is driving away your allies any way to win? Of course not.
2. Don't scare anyone. Really, when you get all loud and assertive and show up in numbers with grim expressions on your faces and make demands, what do you think that says about how you're going to act if you get what you want? You're just turning people off, being scary. Try being nice, instead. Sit down strikes or something like that, especially with smiles on your faces and maybe flowers and few waves for the camera will totally work better. And signs. Really creative signs. They're good, too.
3. Don't make ANY mistakes. Seriously, y'all. Take some time to plot and strategize and get your acts together and establish clear lines of authority and recognized spokespeople so that you never do anything that's not one hundred percent perfectly timed, with all the most effective language and only the right kind of actions taken at the best possible places. The only civil rights movements that ever worked were completely mistake-free, so get it together and never fuck up AT ALL, or this is just toast and there'll be no way at all to stop the slaughter.
See? Only three rules, and they're REAL EASY. You can do this. And I'm totally behind you, and isn't that what really matters? My approval?
helpfully,
Bright
Anyone who doesn't recognize the 
here, please check in at Irony Central for a new meter.
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