Rebuttal to Emily Yoffee: Cockblocking Rapists Is A Moral Obligation; or, How To Stop Rape Right Now

[KitSileya]

Cockblocking Rapists Is A Moral Obligation; or, How To Stop Rape Right Now
OCTOBER 20, 2013
by Thomas
http://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/cockblocking-rapists-is-a-moral-obligation-or-how-to-stop-rape-right-now/

The paradigmatic repeat rapist uses a set of tactics that work, and they go like this: push alcohol, test boundaries, physically isolate the target, and narrow the target’s options. Look for that, and break it up. In the rapes of juveniles now being reported in Missouri, what did the older boys do? The girls were already smashed, but they pushed more alcohol, they put them in separate rooms, isolated from each other and with no friendly faces around. The person looking to get the drunk drunker, and then alone, is not to be trusted.

What the rapists do is target selection. They are looking for someone whose boundaries they can violate, and who won’t or can’t stand up for themselves. The best targets, the ones who offer the rapists the best chance of getting away with it, are those who won’t report — or who will never even admit to themselves that what happened was rape. The way the rapist finds those people is to cross their boundaries again and again, progressively testing and looking for resistance.

What To Do Tomorrow: Make Sure Everyone Knows

The thing is, rapists absolutely need one thing to operate. They need people to believe they are not rapists. Stranger rapists do that by trying to hide that they are the person who committed the rape. Acquaintance rapists do that by picking targets who won’t say anything about what happened, or by using tactics that, if the survivor does speak up, people will decide don’t really count as rape. If you want to do something about rapists, make sure people know they are rapists.

It Can’t All Be On The Survivors

I’ve seen the following two things happen:
(1) someone gets sexually assaulted, whether raped or violated in another way, and people say to the survivor, “you have to do something! If you don’t do something, who will protect the next victim?”
(2) someone gets sexually assaulted, whether raped or violated in another way, and the survivor yells and shouts for people to deal with it, and the people who are friendly with both the survivor and the violator shrug their shoulders and try to stay “neutral.”
What these two things have in common is that in each case, the people around the situation place all the responsibility on the person who most needs help and can least be expected to go it alone.

This is a much better and more efficient way of hindering rapes than telling women not to "knock back shots of rum" - most women already know the risks of drinking to excess, and know that no woman is ever free of risk, whether they be a girl in a diaper or a 98-year old. What is necessary is that bystanders actually do something - if they want to end rape, they stop giving potential rapists opportunities. They challenges boundary crossing - when a potential rapist press drinks on someone, when they put their hands on them and you think the touchee seems uncomfortable - you speak up. When you hear stories about someone in your social circle, you say something - don't treat them as a missing stair that you just tell people to jump over. "Don't risk being alone with handsy Bob when he's drunk." "Bob, if you keep on being handsy while drunk, you cannot be drunk with us," is what should be the obvious answer. And believe survivors when they do tell you what has happened to them - don't stay neutral. If you try to stay neutral, you've laready taken the side of the rapist.

[daybranch]

1. Men rape

and men should prevent rape.It is our obligation to both women or men.

[seabeyond]

5. simple. to the point. yes. nt

[redgreenandblue]

19. Do I get to wear a cape when I go out and fight those rapists?

Or maybe this costume, that would be awesome



Seriously though, saying that men by nature of being men have a responsibility to protect women from other bad men is problematic from a feminist-theoretical standpoint, since it reinforces the "white knight paradigm". In other words:

[KitSileya]

6. 98% per cent of rapists are men,

so yes, it's natural to say men rape. However, the reinforcing of boundaries will benefit all genders - many have problems saying no to a plethora of things. For example, not only should we stop men who pressure women to drink more than they want to, but since the largest alcohol factor in rape is whether the rapist has had alcohol - men who drink are more likely to disregard lack of consent - stopping anyone from pressuring women AND men to drink is beneficial. Other women can help here too. The problem has been that pretty much all talk about the responsibility of stopping rape has been laid at the feet of two groups - potential victims, and victims. Not only is that horribly, terribly unfair, it is also pretty nigh impossible to do without ending up sounding victim-blamey.

Campaigns that target bystanders and give them clear and concise advice about typical behaviors of potential rapists, and ways to stop them, seem to me to be the most efficient way of reducing rape. Pushing alcohol, test boundaries, physically isolating the target, narrowing the target's options - those are rapists' strategies.

Not only that, it will make many, many social circles a lot safer for women if we can crack down on creepers and those whose behavior makes women feel uncomfortable - regardless of whether these (mostly) guys intend to rape or not. Intent is not magical, and when a socially inept guy creeps, it's just as uncomfortable as when a rapist creeps. A rape joke may be in bad taste, or it may be a way to test boundaries. If it is cracked down upon, it makes for a safer place for survivors and others regardless of why it was told.

[Nye Bevan]

2. How about "Bob, if you're handsy when drunk, we'll call the cops on you"?

Isn't "handsy" a euphemism for "sexual assault"?

[KitSileya]

3. Oh, I wish.

However, in most social circles, a guy who's handsy isn't considered someone doing something wrong, and many women don't protest, because they have been socialized to accept strangers touching them ("Give Uncle Peter a hug!&quot without complaint.

For heaven's sake, George W. Bush thought it was quite ok to do that to Angela Merkel at an international meeting - in front of photographers. How many times has he not done that before then, without anyone protesting?

Calling the cops on a guy who offers a shoulder massage and starts doing it before he gets consent, will get you cops who laugh at you. The guy, however, may be using that as a strategy to check out who has problems upholding boundaries, and who he can persuade to go along. Giving the victim an out by asking her to show you something, or to explain something to you, or even reinforce her no if she gave one ("Hey, dude, she said no. You don't want to end up being called the Groper, do you?&quot may be a lifesaver. And it will change our culture, little by little.

[Nye Bevan]

4. I just thought- maybe he was planting a bug on her!

But seriously, yeah, I see your point. A well-timed slap in the face could work wonders in such a situation.

[KitSileya]

7. Except, women are socialized not to slap guys in the face when they do these things.

There are those who have said it so much better than me, but it is nigh impossible for a woman to slap a guy without facing backlash. Let me illustrate for you - when I was in 5th or 6th grade, two boys in my class decided they were in love with me, and started competing for my attention. They followed me home from school, would run up and pat my hair during recess, would threaten to play wrestle with me and so on. The adult reaction? "Oh, how cute!" "I bet you're proud for being so popular with the boys." "Ignore them and they'll stop." If I had slapped them, I would have been the one suspended.

In Sweden, a women who turned around and slapped a guy who touched her butt was convicted of assault. In Sweden! And then consider how it is in less equal countries.

[tavalon]

8. Luckily, there is so much I just didn't get enculturated with

I would slap anyone who touched me inappropriately. I almost broke the hand of a guy who had perched it on my breast. Okay, I'll admit, I could have just taken it off, but I twisted it too. The fun part about that one is I got to twist it in such a way that he went down on his knees. I told him now would be a perfect time to apologize, profusely and loudly. He did both.

[Nye Bevan]

14. Good for you!

[stevenleser]

9. This is much more difficult than it seems both in identifying the situation and acting on it.

Last edited Wed Oct 30, 2013, 01:32 PM - Edit history (1)

Particularly if the woman who is drunk is seeming to say "Yes" to the person feeding them drinks and doing the isolating.

Put yourself into the situation of someone observing this. First of all, it's not uncommon for people to feed each other drinks and its also not uncommon for two people in bars and parties to then want to go somewhere to be alone with each other. I have been with a mixed (several males, several females) group of folks on several occasions over the years trying to prevent a woman we know from going off with a guy they met, knowing that if they were sober this is not what they would want to do and it's a losing proposition. Then hearing the next day, "why didn't you guys stop me...".

You're in the position of trying to prevent two adults from doing what they seem to want to do. And being that you are not a law enforcement official, psychiatrist, or other authority, you don't have the legal right to assert one or both of the people do not have agency over themselves.

Seeing a few too many of these is what prompted me to stop drinking almost entirely around 10 years ago. I don't want to lose control to the point of doing things I wouldn't ordinarily want to do.

Certainly, if the woman is in any way indicating this may not be something she wants to do, then you can intervene, but even then you can be in for a rough ride. The guys friends may then try to intervene on his behalf to prevent you from getting involved, etc. I've been there too.

I've really learned to hate alcohol.

[KitSileya]

11. So, ask them beforehand, while they're sober.

Granted, that requires friendship, but it's a start. Ask them, if you get beyond tipsy, but find someone, do you want me to remind you to just get the guy's phone number? It should be made unacceptable for such a guy's friends to intervene - socially unacceptable, I mean.

In addition, such a campaign would raise awareness of common tactics rapists use, not expect bystanders to manage to stop every rape. You're not expected to be perfect in every try - but as a woman, I do expect you to try. If you're already trying, great! If you're not, please do.

[stevenleser]

13. Good advice, I'm not going to be in that situation anymore because I avoid places where alcohol

is being served. But that is excellent advice.

[pipi_k]

10. Pushing drinks...

and then there were the guys who, when I said I only wanted a soda...no alcohol...went ahead and put alcohol in my Coke or Pepsi anyway, thinking I would not notice.

Unfortunately for their sneaky little agendas, even if the alcohol is tasteless, I react very quickly to its effects. Having an anxiety disorder means my muscles are tense nearly all the time.

So I definitely notice when they are NOT tense. Which can happen within 30 seconds of drinking something alcoholic (the word "drinking" being a bit of an exaggeration here, as I'm a sipper). Plus my face flushes a bit.

I'm quite sure I must have spoiled many a young man's plans...

[Nine]

12. I agree with Yoffe.

I don't have a daughter, just a young son. But when he goes off to college, or perhaps sooner, I am absolutely going to warn him not to binge drink, for his own safety. Men can get raped too. And mugged. And have hazing-level "pranks" played on them. They can also fall down stairs, get alcohol poisoning, choke on their own vomit, and suffer other misfortunes. I'll admit that I don't understand the culture of binge drinking at all, so it's hard for me to see it as a "freedom" that someone is being deprived of. I drank in college, but it was beer and wine coolers and occasional mixed drinks and I was perfectly happy and so were my friends.

I don't agree with those who consider it "unfeminist" to focus on the things we can do to protect ourselves rather than on the actions of rapists. Rapists shouldn't rape and pedophiles shouldn't molest, but you can bet I'll be teaching my son not to take candy from strangers, not to get into vans with strangers, not to trust adults who ask for help from children, etc. In this world, we all have to curb our actions because of bad guys. That's not unique to rape.

And, really, some of the alternate suggestions from this writer seem more onerous and freedom-restricting and unfeminist than Yoffe's suggestion to avoid binge drinking. "If the drunkest person in the room has been left by their ride, and the person who has been pushing them to drink more is offering to take them home, they may not want to go, but they may not have a better option. Providing that option may be what gets your friend away from the potential rapist." Spending the whole evening trying to keep an eye on all your drunk friends? Fun! Does a group need to appoint a designated rapist-spotter who will, I assume, be unable to binge drink herself as she'll need all her faculties intact? And how feminist is it to tell women they can't protect themselves alone; they have to rely on others to babysit them?

Also: "shouldn’t we tell our friends when they are too drunk to hook up?" Isn't this a bit paternalistic, even if it's coming from female friends? Oh sorry, you've had too many beers. As a friend, I just can't let you leave here with this guy you're interested in. It's not that I think friends shouldn't be doing these things for each other, I just don't see how these tactics are any more morally superior than Yoffe's suggested tactic of not drinking to the point of incapacitation. I also don't see how these tactics don't fit the category of "rapist workaround" that the author criticizes later in the piece.

[KitSileya]

15. Women already know the dangers of binge drinking.

We've been told that ages and ages, and I'm sure there's a good percentage of women who do modify their behavior already. I am one of them. However, we also know that modifying our behavior doesn't make us rape-proof. One tablet of GHB in the one drink we have all night, and we'll look like we've over-indulged. All a rapist then needs to do, is to separate us from our friends, and get us alone, behaviors described in the article as typical strategies of rapists that bystanders should be aware of, and bob's your uncle, we've been raped, and those who stood by can say - "But I thought she wanted it." Sometimes our bodies betray us - I was molested by some classmates, and my own father walked right past it with an off-hand comment about how much I seemed to enjoy it, because the boys were tickling me, and I couldn't answer for laughing.

Being open about these strategies, and talking about it within a social circle will prevent rape much better than admonishing women not to drink. The latter is already being done. The "Don't be that guy"-poster campaign lowered the rapes being reported by 10%, which is a huge deal. Asking at the beginning of the evening how people want their friends to react should they become very drunk is also a possibility. If everyone in a group knows that a woman isn't interested in having a one-night stand that evening, intervening when a guy is too pushy might prevent a rape. It isn't nannying. It's caring for your friends.

Again, I reiterate, most women already do everything to protect themselves of rape short of wearing a burqa and staying home - and we know that doesn't protect us from rape either. Sometimes we might not be good judges of how much alcohol will get us drunk - perhaps we're stressed, or haven't had a chance to eat properly or what have you. The same goes for men - we had to tell one of the guys at work that he couldn't drink at the office Christmas party, because he was a diabetic, and when he got very drunk, which could happen after one beer if his blood sugar levels didn't cooperate, he got creepy and touchy-feely and made his female co-workers uncomfortable.

The campaign suggested monitors not so much the women, but the guys. It is all about checking whether potential rapists are pushing alcohol, testing boundaries, removing options, and trying to isolate potential victims. It is about letting people know when a guy in your social circle has been accused of rape, or of creepy behavior, instead of working around him. It is about believing women when they talk about their experience - and evicting these guys from these social circles, instead of making the victims feel like they have to leave in order to be safe.

[Nine]

18. I don't think the suggestions in the article were bad ones.

I just don't think women should rely on them. There are many ways to prevent rape at a macro level - catching and punishing rapists, changing people's misconceptions about rape, friends looking out for each other... but I honestly think the best thing a woman can do to protect herself personally is not allow herself to become incapacitated. Of course that means keeping an eye on your drink to try to prevent anyone from slipping you a date rape drug. But it also means not administering your own date rape drug in the form of massive quantities of alcohol, especially since the article itself describes one of a rapist's tactics as pushing more and more alcohol on his intended victim.

Will avoiding binge drinking make a person rape-proof? Of course not. But I think it's a strong preventive measure. No one is asking women to wear burquas or swear off alcohol altogether. And, sure, people can get drunker than they intended for various reasons. But it's easier for friends to look out for each other and for that one person who got a little tipsier than intended when the entire group is not going to a party where they all plan to get completely wasted.

There's a huge difference in my mind between, "Don't wear skimpy clothing because men won't be able to control themselves," and "Don't drink to the point of blacking out because you will make yourself more vulnerable to predators." The article also mentioned a rapist's tactic of isolating his target. But when the whole room is full of drunk-off-their-asses people who can barely look after themselves much less you, you're already pretty isolated.

I totally appreciate the burden that is constantly on women with regard to how to avoid rape. And a rape-prevention program that is nothing more than a list of things women should or shouldn't do to make themselves safer is offensive to me. I completely agree that more resources should be spent going after rapists and that bystanders should take a more proactive role in letting rapists know that their tactics won't be tolerated. But you just can't deny that a person who is not passed out drunk has a much greater chance of defending herself and staying safe. To censor that message because of a misguided belief that it fails some ideology test strikes me as neither feminist nor humane. As I said, I will certainly be driving home to my son when he is old enough that he endangers his personal safety when he binge drinks.

[redqueen]

16. This is my favorite part

What can people do with unsubstantiated accusations? Quite a lot, actually. If you’re watching someone pushing one of your friends to have another round and getting handsy, would it be better to know if another person in your social circle said, “that person raped me”? Yeah, that would be important to know. And if two different people said it? And, given the silence around rape and the low reporting rates, one story is often an important catalyst for another. Once one story is out there, others tend to come up. The more data, the easier it is to compare, and evaluate credibility based on multiple data points. And what then? Then, accountability. That can look like a lot of different things. It can look like prosecution. It can look like some model of transformative justice, though I won’t try to make a pitch for transformative justice models because I won’t do it as well as its advocates would.* It might look like ostracization, because any social group, when someone harms its members, ought to be able to say, “you’re not welcome here anymore.”

Some people will say that’s rumormongering. Yes. Yes, it is. If stopping rape isn’t a good enough reason to spread rumors to you, then you and I have nothing further to discuss.

Some people will say that it’s unfair to do that, to simply take the survivor’s word, to say things about people without due process. Well, due process is for the government, to limit their power to lock people up or take their property. You don’t owe people due process when you decide whether to be friends with them. You don’t have to have a hearing and invite them to bring a lawyer to decide whether to invite them to a party. And let’s be honest, most of us repeat things that one person we know did to another person we know based on nothing more than that one participant told us and we believe them. We do it all the time, it’s part of social interaction.

[freshwest]

17. Women in India get it:

This male youtuber has thought and said a lot about rape. The video description gives a lot to look into, including an article I've pasted below:

He provided this to explain his video:

An Incomplete Guide to Not Creeping...

Bear in mind that following these recommendations will not make you a good guy. They will just hopefully make you be not so much of a creeper. These are preventative measures, in other words, and should be viewed as such.

Fair enough? Okay, then. Let’s start with some biggies.

1. Acknowledge that you are responsible for your own actions. You are (probably) a fully-functioning adult. You probably are able to do all sorts of things on your own — things which require the use of personal judgement. Among those things: How you relate to, and interact with, other human beings, including those who you have some interest in or desire for. Now, it’s possible you may also be socially awkward, or have trouble reading other people’s emotions or intentions, or whatever. This is your own problem to solve, not anyone else’s. It is not an excuse or justification to creep on other people. If you or other people use it that way, you’ve failed basic human decency.

2. Acknowledge that you don’t get to define other people’s comfort level with you. Which is to say that you may be trying your hardest to be interesting and engaging and fun to be around — and still come off as a creeper to someone else. Yes, that sucks for you. But you know what? It sucks for them even harder, because you’re creeping them out and making them profoundly unhappy and uncomfortable. It may not seem fair that “creep” is their assessment of you, but: Surprise! It doesn’t matter, and if you try to argue with them (or anyone else) that you’re in fact not being a creep and the problem is with them not you, then you go from “creep” to “complete assbag.” Sometimes people aren’t going to like you or want to be near you. It’s just the way it is.

3. Acknowledge that no one’s required to inform you that you’re creeping (or help you to not be a creeper). It’s nice when people let you know when you’re going wrong and how. But you know what? That’s not their job. It’s especially not their job at a convention or some other social gathering, where the reason they are there is to hang out with friends and have fun, and not to give some dude an intensive course in how not to make other people intensely uncomfortable with his presence. If you are creeping on other people, they have a perfect right to ignore you, avoid you and shut you out — and not tell you why. Again: you are (probably) a fully-functioning adult. This is something you need to be able to handle on your own.

Shorter version of above: It’s on you not to be a creeper and to be aware of how other people respond to you.

Also extremely important:

4. Acknowledge that other people do not exist just for your amusement/interest/desire/use. Yes, I know. You know that. But oddly enough, there’s a difference between knowing it, and actually believing it — or understanding what it means in a larger social context. People go to conventions and social gatherings to meet other people, but not necessarily (or even remotely likely) for the purpose of meeting you. The woman who is wearing a steampunky corset to a convention is almost certainly wearing it in part to enjoy being seen in it and to have people enjoy seeing her in it — but she’s also almost certainly not wearing it for you. You are not the person she has been waiting for, the reason she’s there, or the purpose for her attendance. When you act like you are, or that she has (or should have) nothing else to do than be the object of your amusement/interest/desire/use, the likelihood that you will come across a complete creeper rises exponentially. It’s not an insult for someone else not to want to play that role for you. It’s not what they’re there for.

So those are some overarching things to incorporate into your thinking. Here are some practical things.

5. Don’t touch. Seriously, man. You’re not eight, with the need to run your fingers over everything, nor do you lack voluntary control of your muscles. Keep your hands, arms, legs and everything else to yourself. This is not actually difficult. Here’s an idea: That person you want to touch? Put them in charge of the whole touch experience. That is, let them initiate any physical contact and let them set the pace of that contact when or if they do — and accept that that there’s a very excellent chance no touch is forthcoming. Do that when you meet them for the first time. Do that after you’ve met them 25 times. Do it just as a general rule. Also, friendly tip: If you do touch someone and they say “don’t touch me,” or otherwise make it clear that touching was not something you should have done, the correct response is: “I apologize. I am sorry I made you uncomfortable.” Then back the hell off, possibly to the next state over.

6. Give them space. Hey: Hold your arm straight out in front of your body. Where your fingertips are? That’s a nice minimum distance for someone you’re meeting or don’t know particularly well (it’s also not a bad distance for people you do know). Getting inside that space generally makes people uncomfortable, and why make people uncomfortable? That’s creepy. Also creepy: Sneaking up behind people and getting in close to them, or otherwise getting into their personal space without them being aware of it. If you’re in a crowded room and you need to scrunch in, back up when the option becomes available; don’t take it as an opportunity to linger inside that personal zone. Speaking of which:

7. Don’t box people in. Trapping people in a corner or making it difficult for them to leave without you having the option to block them makes you an assbag. Here’s a hint: If you are actually interesting to other people, you don’t need to box them into a corner.

8. That amusing sexual innuendo? So not amusing. If you can’t make a conversation without trying to shoehorn suggestive or sexually-related topics into the mix, then you know what? You can’t make conversation. Consider also the possibility the playing the sexual innuendo card early and often signals to others in big flashing neon letters that you’re likely a tiresome person who brings nothing else to table. This is another time where an excellent strategy is to let the other person be in charge of bringing sexual innuendo to the conversational table, and managing the frequency of its appearance therein.

9. Someone wants to leave? Don’t go with them. Which is to say, if they bow out of a conversation with you, say goodbye and let them go. If they leave the room, don’t take that as your cue to follow them from a distance and show up wherever it is they are as if it just happens you are showing up in the same place. Related to this, if you spend any amount of time positioning yourself to be where that person you are interested in will be, or will walk by, for the purpose of “just happening” to be there when they are, you’re probably being creepy as hell. Likewise, if you attach yourself to a group just to be near that person. Dude, it’s obvious, and it’s squicky.

10. Someone doesn’t want you around? Go away. Here are some subtle hints: When you come by they don’t make eye contact with you. When they are in a group the group contracts or turns away from you. If you interject in the conversation people avoid following up on what you’ve said. One of the friends of the person you are interested in interposes themselves between you and that person. And so on. When stuff like that happens, guess what? You’re not wanted. When that happens, here’s what you do: Go away. Grumble to yourself (and only to yourself) all you like about their discourteousness or whatever. Do it away from them. Remember that you don’t get to define other people’s comfort level with you. Remember that they’re not obliged to inform you about why they don’t want you around. Although, for God’s sake, if they do tell you they don’t want you around, listen to them.

Again: Not a complete instruction set on how not to be a creeper. But a reasonable start, I think.

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/

Follow up video:

This guy has thought a lot and learned more about the subject. There are other good videos by him on the sidebar.

I grew up in a different time, but know predators can smell prey a mile off.
Rape is something the world will come to grips with or else sink into a state of barbarism. I tell young people and older people to beware, which is basic.

As ModPrimate says, it is necessary for us to evolve.