A letter from President Obama to Verizon customers. Intercepted and presented by Andy Borowitz

[Mira]

Last edited Thu Jun 6, 2013, 05:03 PM - Edit history (1)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Today, President Obama issued the following letter to all Verizon customers:
Dear Verizon Customers,
Yesterday it came to light that the National Security Agency has been collecting millions of phone records from you each and every day. Since that news was released, many of you have called the White House with questions and concerns about this new program. To save my time and yours, here are answers to three of the F.A.Q.s

(Frequently Asked Questions) we’ve been hearing from you:

1. Will I be charged extra for this service?
I’m happy to say that the answer is no. While the harvesting and surveillance of your domestic phone calls were not a part of your original Verizon service contract, the National Security Agency is providing this service entirely free of charge.

2. If I add a phone to my account, will those calls also be monitored?
Once again, the answer is good news. If you want to add a child or any other family member to your Verizon account, their phone calls—whom they called, when, and the duration of the call—will all be monitored by the United States government, at no additional cost.

3. Can the National Security Agency help me understand my Verizon bill?
Unfortunately, no. The National Security Agency has tried, but failed, to understand Verizon’s bills. Pease call Verizon customer service and follow the series of electronic prompts.
I hope I’ve helped clear up some of the confusion about this exciting new program. But if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to call the White House. Joe Biden is standing by.

God bless America,

President Obama

www.borowitzreport.com

[blkmusclmachine]

1. .

[onecent]

2. LOL....that is great......your little grave and sign!!!! n/t

What a crock of shit this all is.

[Fantastic Anarchist]

3. Brilliant!

<...> please don’t hesitate to call <which, of course, will be monitored for free by the NSA> the White House. Joe Biden is standing by.

Bold added to make it complete.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

4. Will the new service include a "Spy-Identification" feature?

[AndyA]

5. P.S., We are not in a position to offer details or answer questions about any Americans

who may have been killed by drones. This is also a free service, paid for by the American taxpayers. (So it's not really free...)

[LuvNewcastle]

6. From now on, I'm going to answer my phone, "fuck the NSA."

[limpyhobbler]

7. LOL nt

[RobertEarl]

8. Obama says:

Your business is our business.

Your complete cooperation is welcome.

[fasttense]

9. Something free from Verizon?

Somehow I bet we end up paying for it.

[azurnoir]

10. and just think we get all of these services free of charge from US government

hey maybe someone should send this to the small government Tea Partiers then they could stop these obviously pork barrel 'entitlements' from continuing

[Sherman A1]

11. K&R

[progressoid]

12. Perfect.

[KG]

13. !