Help-son's acquaintance (teen) thinking about suicide

[Neurotica]

My son just told me that his girlfriend "Ann" has a close friend "Mary" who has tried to commit suicide--at least once previously and maybe again 2 days ago.

While Ann and my son were out together the other night, Ann received a text from Mary. Mary had either tried to commit suicide or was thinking about it. Ann called Mary and talked to her for a long time.

My son doesn't know too many details, but I am trying to give him information to help his girlfriend navigate this situation.

I just found the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which apparently will connect you to resources in your local area. My son texted the info to his girlfriend.

I know that Mary has a psychiatrist. I also know that she feels that her family doesn't care about her and that they have abandoned her. I don't have any other details.

I do not know if my son's girlfriend has told her own parents about this situation. I don't know if any adults (other than me at this point) are aware of what is going on.

Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

[steve2470]

1. Mary's parents need to be aware of what is going on

It is THEIR responsibility ultimately to ensure her welfare. Barring that for some reason, yes, the hotline is a decent alternative. However.... the hotline will probably want her parents involved. Good luck.

eta: I was assuming Mary is a minor. If she is an adult 18 years of age or older, then no, the parents do not need to be involved. However, family support (if possible) is always a good thing.

[Neurotica]

3. I know but that seems unworkable from what my son says

However, he didn't ask too many questions the other night. His girlfriend was so upset about the situation as you might imagine.

All he knows is that Mary feels her parents don't care. Although from my perspective, they have cared enough to find her a psychiatrist so that's a positive.

I did tell my son that adults need to be involved in this, and quickly.

Thanks.

[steve2470]

14. Yes the parents or perhaps an aunt or uncle or other loving family member NEED to be involved

I hate to say this, but minors typically do not have the good judgment and impulse control to do what is in their long term best interest. If no adults get involved, I see a very bad outcome, which would probably weigh heavily on everyone who knows her and perhaps you as well.

The adults NEED to be involved, despite what the young lady is saying or not saying.

[elleng]

2. I'd contact the hotline immediately, get all their info.

[loyalsister]

28. Yep- ASAP

I'd let the parents know after the fact to avoid a potentially ugly debate that would make things worse for her. They may be part of the problem or they may very well be supportive of her. Hotlines have saved lives.

[RobertEarl]

4. Find and tell the psychiatrist

You may have to shelter her.

Tell her, if you can, many people have gone through this and now they are living good lives. Suicide is not an answer, but living past it will make her stronger. Tell her she is worthy.

Good luck. Oh, don't get too emotionally attached.

[Neurotica]

7. Thanks for the suggestions

I'm going to see if Ann can come over tomorrow so that I can find out more and relay these thoughts to her so that she can pass them on to Mary.

I do not know Mary myself, but perhaps Ann's family could help with respect to further action.

I feel like I'm operating in a vacuum here, but my son was upset because his girlfriend was upset and I think they both felt somewhat helpless. I think my son has given his girlfriend some good advice, but I told him that professionals need to be involved.

[RobertEarl]

17. It is good you care

If she is on the streets, (Family abandoned her) she needs a safe place for shelter. That could be crucial. That is number one. Find her a safe place.

In situations like this, emotional detachment is the best place to operate from. Pass that advice on to your son. It is hard to be effective when you get too attached.

[MADem]

9. What did you mean by "You may have to shelter her?"

Are you suggesting the OP take this person into their home, where they might kill themselves in the garage or basement? And not get "emotionally attached?" This OP isn't equipped for that kind of shit-- unless "home" just happens to be an inpatient mental health facility with suicide watch 24-7. How many people have those attached to the back of their house?

Sorry, I think that's an awful idea. I'd try to get the name of the psychiatrist, and have a one-way (owing to HIPPA) conversation about the problem. Start out with "I realize you can't comment but I have information you might need about your patient (fill in name)..." I would also contact the parents, by phone, and speak directly with them--not through third parties. I don't care if the person is "an adult." That patient privacy stuff controls doctors, not caring acquaintances or friends-of-friends.

This isn't something to toy with--professional help is needed here. It only takes one successful suicide attempt, and there are no "do-overs." Shift this problem to someone equipped to handle it, and let the people who would be most affected by this person's death know what's going on.

[RobertEarl]

18. Can it, you are of little help.

[MADem]

19. Anyone who converses like that on a discussion board might want to look in the

mirror and repeat that subject line phrase you just tossed off to themselves.

Now, because I'm curious, I want you tell us all your medical credentials, so we can marvel at your Fristian powers of diagnosis over the internet.

I think this situation calls out for a professional to intervene--and I suspect, quite strongly (and even more so based on your most recent "can it" post), that you aren't one.

DU2 would have scrubbed your "advice" because it was against the old rules. Now, people who think you are shopping bogus recommendations need to pipe up and say so--and that's what I'm doing.

I think you are giving very bad advice.

[RobertEarl]

21. Hey big man, can it.

[MADem]

22. I'm not the one playing "big man" here, with the tough guy "can it" comments.

You are giving us a good view of you through your keyboard, though, I must say.

[MADem]

23. And please don't send me any more childish PMs via DUMail.

If you have anything to say to me, say it on the boards.

You might want to push off from the keyboard; you're behaving in an unnecessarily aggressive and vitriolic fashion.

[MADem]

24. The second DU mail you sent me was no more welcome than the first. Please desist. nt

.

[MADem]

25. You have now sent me three DUMails, and calling me a "loser" in a DUMail does not

say much for your ability to behave in a civil fashion on this discussion board.

Every time you send me a DUMail, I intend to make a note of it here. So why don't you just do the sensible thing and stop PMing me with rude comments.

[Tx4obama]

5. A link below with several hotline numbers

Here: http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

Lots of numbers on that page, scroll down it to see them all.

[Neurotica]

8. Thank you. I'll pass this along. n/t

[BainsBane]

6. She needs to be in the hospital

until her suicidal urges stop. A psychiatrist would ask if she has a plan. If she has planned a specific way to kill herself, she needs to be hospitalized for a few days. Her psychiatrist can make that determination. Perhaps your son can convince her to admit herself. If her income is low, the state should pay for it, depending where you live. They can then connect her with ongoing services.

[MADem]

11. +1,000--I said as much upthread. nt

[Neurotica]

12. That's what I was thinking, too.

But someone more connected to her needs to be able to get her that kind of help. Trying to figure this out. My son just went to bed but I 'm going to see if he can bring his girlfriend over here tomorrow so we can talk about this together and get Mary the appropriate help she needs.

[BainsBane]

15. Do you know if she has a gun in the house?

If so, I wouldn't wait until tomorrow. Yes, you need someone closer to her to do something. That she feels alienated from her parents doesn't mean they don't care if she lives or dies. You might try contacting them or a sibling.

[Cronus Protagonist]

10. Stay out of it

Things may not be as they seem. Help your own kin. Don't meddle in others' affairs even if your intentions are golden - others may not see it that way.

That's my nickel's worth from a lifetime of experience.

[Skittles]

13. course, if it was "your own kin" in trouble, you'd want help from anyone

[Gravitycollapse]

16. I hate saying this but you need to call 911.

Tell them what is happening. The police need to take the young woman into custody, transfer her to a hospital and then the hospital can commit her.

I'm telling you this as someone who has spent time in a psychiatric ward on suicide watch. If this is a true emergency, then the authorities need to step in and do what you, as the average citizen, cannot do. Which is force them into protection.

[TexasTowelie]

20. I wouldn't talk to Ann until you speak with your son first.

If Ann shared this information with your son, then you may be breaking into a confidential matter between the two of them. If the relationship between your son and his girlfriend is damaged, then that could cause either your son or his girlfriend to become despondent themselves.

For that matter, it may also be breaking into a confidential matter between Ann and Mary. Contacting Mary's psychiatrist could also backfire and cause her such humiliation that it could trigger the situation that all of you seek to avoid.

It's possible that Mary is trying to manipulate Ann for some reason--maybe because Ann has a boyfriend and Mary is envious.

Whatever the situation might be, it sounds like you have a lack of information and are too distant from the situation to be involved. Discuss the situation with your son and provide him information so that he can offer advice to Ann; otherwise, it seems that the best advice is to MYOB even though it may be difficult to do so. At this point, the ball is in Ann's court and it appears that she handled the situation well for someone of her youthful age.

Best wishes for all involved.

[Warpy]

26. This is too much weight for a teenager to try to carry alone.

The next time Mary threatens suicide, Ann needs to know that it's perfectly reasonable to call 911. At some point, Mary is going to need inpatient treatment, might as well let the cops get her there sooner rather than later. Otherwise she might succeed.

It's not snitching to try to keep a friend alive. It's just not her job. Let the EMTs and the cops handle it, give her the best chance for appropriate treatment by getting Mary to a hospital and breaking through what might be parental denial that this is serious stuff and some kids don't live through it.

The suicide hotline number should be given to Mary. However, active threats need to be dealt with by professionals.

(yes, I tried, too, but waking up with my face stuck to the bathroom floor in dry vomit convinced me that if I was going to try again, I'd buy a gun and do it right. It's been decades and I still haven't bought that gun)

[tavalon]

27. She sounds like a low functioning borderline

And just like addicts, we didn't break 'em and we can't fix 'em. Or to put it in kinder terms: God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It's not nearly as cold hearted as it sounds, but if she is struggling that much, it's time to pass it over to psychiatric specialists.