Question for you all regarding holiday celebrations and covid safety.

[MontanaMama]

So my mother in law has an annual party for family a week or so before Christmas. She didn't have the party the last two years due to Covid. This year she says she's going ahead with her plans despite the guidance that indoor gatherings in small spaces with people who aren't vaccinated are not recommended. My MIL's home is beautiful but quite small...it might be 900 sq feet in total. My brother in law, his wife and two of my adult nephews will be there and they are un-vaccinated and vocally anti-vax.

When my MIL told me about her plans, I asked if she would consider a lunch celebration outside as an alternative...I would bring our fire pit, a pile of wood and a bbq grill and my outdoor kitchen set up...we could go sledding and have hot toddy's around the bonfire. She said she was absolutely not interested in anything of the sort. I did my best to let her know that we are not comfortable meeting indoors in a small space with un-vaccinated people and she told me that she was aware that we felt that way but she was going ahead regardless. She said she works very hard to decorate her home for the holidays and she wants her family to appreciate it....all the while I am thinking to myself that I would not enjoy one minute of her party if I was worried about getting sick. Sigh.

Am I overreacting? Am I being unreasonable? I may ask her if we (my husband and our 17 year old kiddo) could come a few minutes ahead of the crowd to admire her decorations and wish her a happy holiday and leave before the antivaxxers arrive to if that will suffice. I'm waiting for my husband to get home from a back country trip to talk with him about this. Does it do any good if I stay home but my husband and son attend?

I'm at a loss.

[elleng]

1. No, you are not overreacting or unreasonable.

I'll be home alone, due to family and friend's inconvenient plans. Hope I get some ham leftovers!

[MontanaMama]

6. This is so frustrating!!

Thank you for your response...I plan on being home alone too. My husband doesn't often tell his mother NO and my kiddo, being 17, thinks he will live forever.

[Deuxcents]

2. Personally, I'd pass the invite.

You gave your objection and offered an alternative but she won’t compromise. Tough call but I stayed away from my sister’s for your same reason. Everyone has been vaxxed here now but it was what I believed.

[MontanaMama]

7. I plan on passing for sure.

It just doesn't make sense to go. I had covid after being vaccinated and I was very ill. I don't want to test drive it again.

[Deuxcents]

11. You've been sick before n your husband n son still going?

[MontanaMama]

16. I don't know that they're going at this point.

My husband is on a back country trip with no cell service so I haven't been able to talk to him about this. My son, being a teenager, would like to see his cousins...which I feel badly about. That said, we've all had covid since being vaxxed but I was the only one who got quite sick. I'm hoping to get feedback from all my DU friends so that I can be ready to present my case. I'm definitely not going to this shindig.

[Deuxcents]

20. I hope they respect your decision n think of their health, too.

There are so many variations of this Covid n it’s like playing roulette. I live in an 1100 sq ft home n w/ that many people..it’s close quarters. Usually the kids are in n out but it’s still close. I wish you well, Mama. This is selfish on so many ways.. jmo

[moonscape]

27. Each time we get covid the odds of long covid

shoot up. There are charts showing this which illustrate that each time really is a bigger, not less, deal.

Just yesterday a friend called. Her son-in-law tapped his wife Saturday night saying he diddn’t feel well. He sat up in bed, then on the edge, then fell to the floor hitting his head on the bedside table on the way down and passed out. Her daughter called 911.

He’s still in ICU and has passed out 2 more times (once again in the ambulance after they loaded him.). Apparently he has excellent care, one of the best cardiologists in the region. He has has MRIs, scans, x-rays, etc, and they are clueless what is going on. His arteries are totally clear, cholesterol perfect, yet he’s having some heart issue and took on a grey color at one point.

The cardiologist says it could be a long covid issue but my friend didn’t know more. He had covid a couple of months ago and felt recovered. He’s in his late 30’s.

Sketchy info, but there are so many stories out there that make me not want to get covid. If I do I do, but it won’t be because I failed to take into account risk:benefit when making social decisions.

[SheltieLover]

3. No, you are not overreacting!

How dare she endanger your family!

[MontanaMama]

9. Right?

And herself...she's jeopardizing her own health. Bonkers!

[SheltieLover]

13. She sure is!

I wouldn't go, personally.

[cilla4progress]

4. Your concerns are well-founded, IMHO,

Montana Mama. More than that, you've come up with 2 reasonable alternative solutions.

I hope your husband and son will be supportive?

Outdoor or smaller gatherings still make sense.

Keep us posted, will you?

[MontanaMama]

10. Will do.

I was starting to feel like a crazy person. Thanks for your support!

[3catwoman3]

5. Dn't ask her if you can come by early, just...

...tell her that is what you are going to do. Better yet, have your husband tell her.

And no, you are not over-reacting.

[MontanaMama]

12. THAT is a great suggestion.

Have her son tell her what our plans are. Sometimes I have tunnel vision when I have a problem like this and I don't see the simplest solution.

[Diamond_Dog]

8. I don't think you are overreacting at all!

No way would I gather with unvaccinated people in a small house for hours.

Can just you, husband, and son visit her another time? If she won’t go for that, then so be it. The health of your family comes before her Christmas decorations! It would be better if your husband told her.

I feel for you because it’s tough putting your foot down with uncooperative family members. Stand your ground! Your health is more important.

[MontanaMama]

14. Yes! I will absolutely stand my ground on this.

Oh and her Christmas decorations...and her home decor in general...that's its own thing. My MIL identifies via her home...everything is pin point perfect so you already know what I'm dealing with. I am married to the one of her 5 children whom she refers to as her "angel child"...he was perfect in every way and didn't even cause her an ounce of pain when he was born at a whopping 10lbs. What must it be like to be an angel child?

[Diamond_Dog]

41. That's funny!

I know exactly the type …. thank God there were no women in my family like that (not that we were all just perfect, far from it … I was always the lone liberal amongst all the Republicans….).

I raised 3 boys and my house always looked like a train wreck! ESPECIALLY during the holidays!

[Irish_Dem]

15. She has the right to host the party of her choice. You have a right to decline.

You asked her to change the venue for legitimate health reasons, she refused.

The ball is now in your court.

As you suggest, pick some holiday interaction which is comfortable for you.

Yes I am not sure you staying home and sending hubby and kiddo to the crowded party makes sense.
If they get sick, so will you.

Many of us are in the same boat.

Turning down invitations to events that don't seem wise in terms of staying healthy.

[MontanaMama]

18. 100% agree with all of your observations.

I always invite the MIL to Christmas brunch at my house. She usually attends if the roads are passable. That may be the best we can do.

[Irish_Dem]

21. Yes. At your home you are in charge of the party.

You can keep the guest list small and invite only those who have been vaxed and in good health.
When your guests leave, give the house a good airing.

I think it is a good compromise.

I understand where both of you are coming from.

Your MIL is being foolish in terms of her health. But in terms of her psychology it makes sense to her.

She has a lovely home, wonderful holiday decorations. She has been isolated.
Maybe given her age, she cannot stand the thought of never having a holiday party again.
She she is going to go for it and take a gamble.

You on the other hand have more years ahead of you, do not want to get sick or suffer permanent damage.
So are understandably risk aversive.

Neither one of you can control the other. So come up with a compromise like you have done.

[RockCreek]

17. Agree with above

And I would wear a minimum of a well-fitting N95 mask around her when seeing her at other times. She is clearly not taking good precautions. Vaccinated people can get COVID and spread it, included when they have no symptoms. Their viral loads are more likely to be low, but why take a chance? I mask in all indoor places unless around others - a few close family members- who I am certain are as careful as I am.

[MontanaMama]

22. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

This seems like it should be really easy...and clearly it isn't. I really don't want to get Covid a second time.

[RockCreek]

25. This is incredibly hard.

I really appreciate response #19 below.
I would consider only letting your son see his cousins outside. As teens, they might even appreciate the excuse to have a separate gathering outside, away from the adults. I would emphasize no smoking, vaping, etc. - if that is an issue with him - or sharing food or drink. There are a lot of infectious diseases around right now, that spread in multiple ways. And it sounds like you can't afford to get any illness right now. As a family member, he needs to respect the needs of his immediate family -- his parents.

[Hortensis]

19. So sorry this is still ongoing. Almost every day now hubby and I

hear about someone else who's got Covid (more often than not again, sometimes for the multiple-ith time) and/or the flu. There's a combination test out now for people to test for both, both to eliminate one or to confirm it's both.

This won't be the last pandemic holiday, and Covid won't be the last pandemic virus. There are a lot of viruses out there, including some that make Covid look like a bad cold and some that kill children and young adults the way Covid kills the elderly.

It's very important to continue to refuse to spread disease among their own circles and communities, or at least take esponsible steps to diminish the risk. And explain why. It's to protect everyone.

I'm very afraid that the nihilistic-level resistance to disease containment that has developed will quickly spread the next pandemic-potential disease that shows up beyond control before resisters are forced to believe it's real.

Happy Holidays.

[MontanaMama]

23. Yes to your entire post.

The other piece of this drama that I did not mention in my OP is that my husband and I run two small businesses. We are understaffed at the moment and that is likely to be the case for a while. If one of us were to go down with Covid (again) it would be an incredible hardship at work. We don't have enough people to cover all we have to do as it is.

[bluestarone]

24. 100% agree with you here!

Stick to your way of thinking! I would absolutely stay away from people, that DO NOT care about your health. Look at it this way, how would you feel if YOU or anyone in your family ended up getting really sick? Sit back and prepare to hear the news that some of those people WILL get sick! My family has made their decision, (just like these people have) so I'M making my OWN decision as well! Stay away.

[cally]

26. The key here is MIL is not used to No

I’ve learned some hard lessons this pandemic as my husband is immunocompromised. I just had to say no to events and family. I’ve learned how hard this was initially as I had not done it enough and my family could not comprehend that I just said no. Things are better now.

No way should you go. Maybe suggest an outdoor activity with your son and cousins and adults who want to join. Hike and s’mores or something that you would enjoy so you can celebrate and see family but not be inside. That’s what we decided to do

[DET]

28. Don't Go

And don’t feel guilty about it. You tried your best to find alternative arrangements. Your MIL seems very controlling. She’ll probably try to make you feel guilty. Don’t let her. Good luck.

[MontanaMama]

29. Yes. She will blame me

for her favorite son not coming. That’s okay. I can handle it. MIL is very controlling and ironically, when she needs a shoulder to lean on or an sympathetic ear, I am the person she calls. My husband always says that when she calls me she just wants something. I am not going to go to her party.

[Igel]

30. Recent statement.

https://www.statnews.com/2022/11/15/white-houses-jha-isnt-predicting-a-holiday-covid-surge-this-year/

[LuckyCharms]

31. You are being prudent, because...

This saying is true: "The virus does not care".

The virus doesn't care that "We've been going through this too long".

The virus does not care about rationalizations.

The virus does not care about what your MIL thinks.

Stick to your guns.

[MontanaMama]

36. Wow.

I appreciate this. The virus doesn’t care. Your post could be an OP. I needed to hear this.

[Meowmee]

32. Don't go

that is the only way to stay safe in that situation. Tell her why. Believe me it is better than getting infected with covid and possibly dying or having longterm damage. It's a no brainer for me. No one or any family etc. is worth that to me. And no it's not better if only your son and husband go because they can get it and transmit to you then.

A true family would not want to endanger others that way or anyone outside of the family either. For what, so people can admire her decorations... ugh.

[MontanaMama]

37. Yep...it's really all about

telling her how beautiful her house is. It’s always been like that…for the last 35 years anyway. Ugh is right.

[SickOfTheOnePct]

33. You have to do what you're comfortable with

End of story.

I would go, but my circumstances are different - I don’t have a business that depends on me, etc.

My life is back to pre-pandemic, except that our agency now allows a couple of days per week of telework, which I take full advantage of. But we’re mask optional at the office, and they just lifted restrictions on how many people can be in an elevator. A few people at work wear masks still, and. I one who isn’t masking appears to give it a second thought.

[beaglelover]

35. Agree 💯 with your post.

I’m in the same boat as you.

[Hekate]

34. You are not overreacting. Arrange to come see her before anyone else arrives (like the day before! ) ...

If she fusses that she hasn’t put the finishing touches on things, too bad. Just exchange a bunch of hugs, and be on your way.

I hope your husband will back you up on this. Skipping stuff is miserable — I know, I did a bunch of that the first year, but I’m pretty well over that these days.

We are going to Thanksgiving to the vaccinated side of the family — it just worked out that way, due to people being spread around the country and state.

All the best.

[DFW]

38. You are taking absolutely the right stance. Stick to it.

We do not have unvaxed friends or relatives. We are having Thanksgiving again at our house this year. A few less this year than previous years due to some having prior travel plans (There is no such thing as Thanksgiving here, so it is not a holiday). Our friends look forward to the „exotic food“ once a year, and my wife is now expert at preparing a turkey. We import cranberries and stuffing from North America.

Not everyone has had their fifth vaccination/third booster, but most have had four, and no one has had less than three. There is very little tolerance in these parts for anti-vaxers, and they have become so rare that few places even ask for proof any more. No such thing. There are still breakthrough cases, of course, but very few severe ones, and fatalities have gone down to nearly none. If someone‘s family wants to play Covid Roulette, that‘s their business, but just don‘t think you‘re welcome in our house if you do.

We are right with you in staying away from a gathering of anti-vaxers cramped into an 80 m2 house.

[MontanaMama]

39. Thanks so much DFW.

I am also hosting Thanksgiving this year with my little family of three, my sister and her son, and a developmentally disabled gentleman that has lived next-door to our business for decades named Willy. I’ve had Willy at my home every thanksgiving and Christmas for 30 years. Everyone has 5 vaccines on board with the expedition of me…I only have 4 because my first shot was J&J. I am confident we’re all doing all we can to remain safe.

I appreciate support on steering clear of antivaxxers even if they’re family. In all honesty, I am not sorry that I won’t be seeing them at Christmas. My brother in law in particular makes a sport of baiting me with social and political issues and I just dread it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[DFW]

40. We pretend it's Thanksgiving here.

The Germans all know what it is because in the fourth week of November, no one can get in touch with anybody in the USA during the last part of the week. A friend of ours, now long gone (alas!) once made up a column explaining Thanksgiving to the French. It's hilarious, but only if you're bilingual in French and English. He was a Paris correspondent at the time (1952). Scary to think a guy my parents and I used to laugh and joke around with was writing columns from Paris in the year I was born, but that's reality for you--stranger than fiction.

https://france-amerique.com/thanksgiving-a-turkey-with-french-dressing/

We have the good fortune to have no such relatives or friends as so many of you people back in the USA. It makes our only headaches making sure that our supply lines back in the USA ship us cranberries and stuffing mix in time! Peppridge Fahhhm doesn't always remembah.