Very funny stuff - just for light relief

[BSdetect]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: Because my name is Susan!

_______________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________



And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[tblue37]

1. LOL! K&R. nt

[grumpyduck]

2. I've seen some of these before, but they're priceless.

Thanks for posting... and it kinda made me think of how many people in Congress are lawyers.

[MyOwnPeace]

13. Oh, that's so good!

[luvs2sing]

3. My mother used to send these to me.

Said every time she read one, she heard the snappy reply in my voice.

[Randomthought]

4. This really happen

Judge to my soon to be ex " Why have you not paid the ordered maintenance to your wife?"
Ex "I had to put brakes on my girlfriend's car."

[FakeNoose]

5. Know what I think?

I think I have to get this book. I laughed at every one of these hilarious samples.
Thanks!

[GentryDixon]

25. I just ordered it from Amazon Kindle to my Android Tablet. $8.48.

[malaise]

6. Most excellent

[abqtommy]

7. Thanks for these Golden Oldies! They're funny every time!

[Bayard]

8. Serious giggles and LOL's!

Loved 'em, passing 'em on.

[Wounded Bear]

9. Thanks for the laughs...

I needed that.

[judesedit]

10. Thanks! I needed that. Too funny lol

[CaptYossarian]

11. Thanks for the much needed laughs.

[BlueMTexpat]

12. Thank you so much!

I'm still chuckling.

The last one certainly applies to any of the Criminally Deranged Thug's attorneys.

[cp]

14. Thank you! I needed the laughs!

Really enjoyed these.

[Soxfan58]

15. Thank you!

[mountain grammy]

16. The answers.. funny

but the questions..

[Dustlawyer]

17. +1! I wish I could have submitted some excerpts from the last 30 years!

[dlk]

18. Funny; thanks for sharing

[3catwoman3]

19. Oh, these are just what I needed today!

Or yesterday, or the day before, or will need tomorrow.

[Hekate]

20. I laughed and laughed. Thank you so much.

[smirkymonkey]

21. I love these!

Hilarious!

I could read stuff like this all day!

[Fritz Walter]

22. Lawyer jokes? I got a million of them!

In a manila folder somewhere. As someone who’s been on this benighted little planet for ⅔ of a century, I go back to the days before the Internet, where we used to share stuff like this via copier — hard copy only.

Now, if I need a cringe-worthy reminder of stupid attorneys, all I have to do is type “AG Barr” into my browser search field.

[Karadeniz]

23. Thanks a lot! I went to order the book you mention and couldn't stop ordering similar ones!

Can't wait to see my bill!❤

[NNadir]

24. Wonderful! Thanks. My favorite was the last one! n/t

[Jamastiene]

26. "The live ones put up too much of a fight."

"If not, he was by the time I finished."

[Person of Interest]

27. Thank you 🙏

I needed a good laugh!!! 😆 😂

[niyad]

28. Thank you for posting these. Have seen some of them before, but always funny. I used to work

with a group of attorneys, most of whom sounded about like those above.

[canetoad]

29. Kick

Very funny.

[rusty fender]

30. 😆🤣😂😅

[Talitha]

31. "ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?"

(Damn, I think I know this guy!!)

[Amaryllis]

32. THAnk you! Needed that. I've read some of these before also but they are timeless. True stuff is

funnier than made up stuff.

[Vinnie From Indy]

33. Very funny !

Thanks for posting!

[Vinnie From Indy]

34. Here is one I found

q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George

[PCIntern]

36. Grrreat!!!!

A new one!! Thanks!

[qwlauren35]

35. Dayum

those were some good jokes.

[Liberal In Texas]

37. In the hundreds of depositions I've worked over the years

this is exactly what you hear now and then.

A monthly trade magazine for court reporters, Journal of Court Reporting, every month has a whole page at the back devoted to these.

Your selection had me laughing out loud.