Ryan Gives Detailed Account of Day He Killed Bin Laden

[renate]

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a dramatic narrative that could upstage this week’s Democratic National Convention, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) gave reporters today a detailed account of the fateful day he killed Osama bin Laden.

Mr. Ryan said that he was revealing his role as the triggerman who felled the al-Qaeda leader to “set the record straight,” explaining that he had remained silent about his mission until now, because “I don’t like to brag.”

snip


“Osama got one look at me and he ran like a bat out of hell,” he said. “It’s times like that that I’m glad I can run a hundred meters in 9.58 seconds.”

snip

“You don’t want to get too full of yourself because of a thing like this,” he said. “I had a job to do, and I did it. It was very satisfying to see all my SEAL training come together. And it was great practice for the day I got Qadaffi.”


http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2012/09/ryan-gives-detailed-account-of-day-he-killed-bin-laden.html#ixzz25RALjRTD

[Heather MC]

2. is this a joke? like did he say this, or is this comedy

OK it's Comedy.

[Myrina]

9. Borowitz = sarcasm

D'oh!

[Heather MC]

21. Sometimes I come into DU thinking, I wonder what stupid stuff they have done or said today

then I read the title of this thread I though oh no way wait for real no no he didn't really
oh ok it's joke
but then again it could be real I mean it's Lyin Ryan
He might have said LOL

[nadinbrzezinski]

16. Borowitz is commedy

but if you ask Ryan, he'll take the credit anyway.

[PearliePoo2]

3. Man, I'm so glad Ryan's lying lips are getting traction.

I want to see EVERYONE pile on!
Chris Matthews let them have it today too!

[calimary]

17. Lyin' ryan, the CouponCare Kid.

SO glad this whole concept is gaining traction!

Yeah, dude, YOU're the guy who lies all the time whenever he makes a speech! Why should we listen to you?

[FightingIrish]

4. And he did it in under three hours. NT

[matt819]

13. By himself. SEAL Team Ryan. (nt)

[ThoughtCriminal]

5. He left out the part about President Obama trying to stop him

Up next:

Ryan steals North Korea's nuclear arsenal and uses it to destroy Iran's.

Another busy day in Galt's Gulch.

[KurtNYC]

7. "Ryan steals North Korea's nuclear arsenal and uses it to destroy Iran's. "

LOL

[Scuba]

6. Now I know who Ryan reminds me of. Kim Jung Il. He once got 15 aces in a round of golf.

[MiddleFingerMom]

15. Consider yourself lucky that you don't live in N. Korea. Changing the 18 to 15 is a capital crime.

[Simeon Salus]

8. This guy might give Chuck Norris a run for his money

This meme could be legendary. Like the time Paul Ryan freed the slaves all by himself with just his zombie eyes.

Or balanced the budget with his granny-starving.

[DeSwiss]

10. K&R

[Rosa Luxemburg]

11. Ryan killed him with his bare hands

[Big Orange Jeff]

12. Later, he tells Sports Illustrated about the time he won eight gold medals in a single Olympics

nt

[Astazia]

14. Love Andy Borowitz! I still don't know how to use twitter, but found how to follow Andy&ChrisRock

Laughing still...he is so fucking funny...

[Bernardo de La Paz]

18. Ryan & Chuck Norris met on the road to Damascus. Ryan's lips moved & Chuck said "I can't beat that!"

[renate]

20. oh, I LOVE that!

[Oilwellian]

19. The artwork perfectly captures Ryan

The big, Betty Boop eyes.

[hay rick]

22. Now we know who really invented the internet.

[IDemo]

23. Rmoney/Lyan.....yeah, that's the ticket!

(Ancient SNL reference for the oldsters like me)