William Barr Reads "Moby-Dick," Finds No Evidence of Whales (Borowitz)

[Stonepounder]

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/william-barr-reads-moby-dick-finds-no-evidence-of-whales?utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Borowitz_032619&utm_medium=email&bxid=5bd672883f92a41245dd6fd1&user_id=27161810&esrc=&utm_term=TNY_Borowitz

William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.

The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media. “Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”

To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.” “As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote. The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.

Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.

[delisen]

1. Thank you!

[Cyrano]

2. Of course there are no whales

Even the bible doesn't talk about whales. It refers to Jonah and a "big fish." What more proof is necessary?

[Tommy_Carcetti]

3. I swear Andy has been reading my posts.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100211954396

[Moostache]

4. I find it more like "The Matrix"....

There is no spoon!



Barr simply reached a predetermined conclusion based on his inherent biases and the ability to pressure Mueller into wrapping up the investigation prior to completing all interviews (including Trump, his idiot children and son-in-law) and reaching his conclusions.

The Mueller report is being shredded now to hide evidence, redact damaging passages and scrub Trump's deeds from "non-prosecutable" to "never happened"...

There is no obstruction, just as there is no spoon!

[Cyrano]

5. Barr can shred, redact and scrub all he wants

Do you really think Mueller didn't retain a copy?

[Moostache]

6. I am positive Mueller retained a copy...

He is not authorized to release it though, and nothing in his background or reputation or performance as Special Prosecutor suggests he would allow his version to leak...Barr is running the show unless someone is able to force him to release the full report...