With apologies to Monty Python, my version of Brexit negotiations as "The Cheese Shop"
EU: Now then, a trade deal please, my good man.
UK: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
EU: Well, eh, how about Freedom of Movement.
UK: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of tolerance for foreigners, sir.
EU: Oh, never mind, how are you on continued EFTA membership?
UK: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
EU: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, Canada's deal, if you please.
UK: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
EU: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, TTIP?
UK: Sorry, sir.
EU: Market access in exchange for limited freedom of movement?
UK: Normally, sir, yes. Today Jacob Rees-Mogg made a stink.
EU: Ah. Freedom of movement in exchange for continued capital exchange privileges?
UK: Sorry.
EU: Irish sea border? Ireland backstop?
UK: No.
EU: Any Norway-Plus, per chance?
UK: No.
EU: Basic EC membership?
UK: No.
EU: Schingen to cover movement of persons?
UK: No.
EU: CEFTA?
UK: No.
EU: EAEU?
UK: No.
EU: G3?
UK: (pause) No.
EU: CAFTA?
UK: No.
EU: AOA?
UK: No.
EU: AASPM, ATBT, ATRIM, AAD, ACV, API, AET, ARO, AILP, ASCM?
UK: No.
EU: The International Arrangement regarding Bovine Meat, perhaps?
UK: Ah! We have the International Arrangement regarding Bovine Meat, yessir.
EU: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
UK: Yessir. It's ah... it's a bit mad.
EU: Oh, I like it mad.
UK: Well,.. It's very mad, actually, sir.
EU: No matter. Fetch hither the vache de la Belle Anglais! Mmmwah!
UK: I...think it's a bit madder than you'll like it, sir.
EU: I don't care how fucking mad it is. Hand it over with all speed.
UK: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
EU: What now?
UK: A cow has eaten it.
EU: (pause) Has he?
UK: She, sir.
(pause)
EU: ATRAIPR?
UK: No.
EU: AGP?
UK: No.
EU: IIT?
UK: No.
EU: TFA?
UK: No.
EU: GATS?
UK: No sir.
EU: You... do have some sort of plan for a trade deal, don't you?
UK: (brightly) Of course, sir. We're a government, sir. We've got-
EU: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
UK: Fair enough.
EU: Uuuuuh, delay this a bit until May.
UK: Yes?
EU: Ah, well, let's do that!
UK: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Ms. Theresa May, that's my name.
(pause)
EU: AANZFTA?
UK: Uh, not as such.
EU: Uuh, the Commonwealth of Nations?
UK: No
EU: COMESA?
UK: No
EU: GAFTA?
UK: No
EU: TPP?
UK: No
EU: GCC?
UK: No
EU: The Hanseatic League?
UK: No
EU: Portuguese Mare Clausum?
UK: Not -today-, sir, no.
(pause)
EU: Aah, how about WTO rules?
UK: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
EU: Not much ca--It's the single most popular trade regime in the world!
UK: Not 'round here, sir.
EU: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular trade regime 'round hyah?
UK: TAFTA, sir.
EU: IS it?
UK: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
EU: Is it.
UK: It's our number one best seller, sir!
EU: I see. Uuh... TAFTA, eh?
UK: Right, sir.
EU: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
UK: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
EU: It's not much of a government, is it?
UK: Finest in the hemisphere sir!
EU: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
UK: Well, it's so clean, sir!
EU: It's certainly uncontaminated by trade deals.
UK: (brightly) You haven't asked me about RCEP, sir.
EU: Would it be worth it?
UK: Could be.
EU: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
UK: Told you sir...
EU: (slowly) Would you agree to RCEP?
UK: No.
EU: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
UK: Yessir?
EU: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any trade deal plans at all?
UK: Yes,sir.
EU: Really?
(pause)
UK: No. Not really, sir.
EU: You haven't.
UK: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
EU: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
UK: Right-0, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)
EU: What a senseless waste of human life.
= new reply since forum marked as read
My teenaged niece and nephew love Monty Python and were laughing about 'The Cheese Shop" sketch just last week.
