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angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 09:41 AM Sep 2018

I will tell you what about rape...till all these folks have come out

I am thinking that I was actually drugged..I voluntarily drank beer, not knowing what the effects would be. I was drugged!

I was 11 years old...loved beer, had sips of beer, but never had an entire can...my (friend) said we should get in the car with my rapists.

They dropped her off and kept me...drunk beyond ability to do anything, they drove me around and raped me.

I wished I had the ability to not tell, but I was found by the police drunk, and laying in a a field...guess I should be glad they didn't murder me?

My mother told me to 'wash that filth off'.....wished she never knew

Man who raped me and his family came to our house to ask for mercy..mother said no way...boy did I feel guilty...wish I never said.

Went to court...they claimed I asked them to have sex...and said they thought I was 16...hell I was 11!

Court was hard as I had to sit on my hands as they lied about me...wish I was able to NOT be there..Not report...but it was outside my ability.

Because I was on my period, my doctor could not say if I was a virgin....but I woke up to pain, and saw the street signs which told the venue of the court.



24 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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I will tell you what about rape...till all these folks have come out (Original Post) angstlessk Sep 2018 OP
. irisblue Sep 2018 #1
compassion and peace to you TEB Sep 2018 #2
So sad for your trauma. lark Sep 2018 #3
All this has brought back memories..like I felt like I was angstlessk Sep 2018 #6
I bet this whole sordid Kavanaugh affair brings back calimary Sep 2018 #21
Hugs to you. Ilsa Sep 2018 #4
I'm so sorry this happened to you Bettie Sep 2018 #5
Oh, my God. You were just a baby. I am so sorry. Squinch Sep 2018 #7
This message was self-deleted by its author Lotusflower70 Sep 2018 #8
Oh my. I wish I could hug you. Trauma at that age is so hard to recover from. cpamomfromtexas Sep 2018 #9
My mother was a horrible person..she blamed my for my rape angstlessk Sep 2018 #12
I can identify. My mother was terrible too. cpamomfromtexas Sep 2018 #23
Oh my goodness. I had no idea this went on! cpamomfromtexas Oct 2018 #24
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering Lotusflower70 Sep 2018 #10
This is heart breaking and enraging. liberalmuse Sep 2018 #14
You are very brave and strong to tell your story. This was not your fault at all. raging moderate Sep 2018 #11
Thank you! angstlessk Sep 2018 #13
I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through MaryMagdaline Sep 2018 #15
Sometimes.. sagetea Sep 2018 #16
I do believe I became promiscuous in order NOT to be raped again angstlessk Sep 2018 #17
Child, you need to post your experience separately angstlessk Sep 2018 #18
Lol!! sagetea Sep 2018 #20
You are also very brave and very strong. raging moderate Sep 2018 #22
Hearts with you sister mahina Sep 2018 #19

lark

(23,006 posts)
3. So sad for your trauma.
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 09:52 AM
Sep 2018



This is exactly why so many girls don't come forward, don't tell their parents. They are re-injured and lied about and it's absolutely heinous. Many parents will actually blame their girls and shame them and it's like they are under assault all over again. I went through an attempted rape at 17 and when I told my mom, it was my fault for going to my friends so her roommate could do this.


I hope you have been able to get help in the years afterwards.

angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
6. All this has brought back memories..like I felt like I was
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 10:02 AM
Sep 2018

tiny sitting on the chair in the psychiatrist office after I was raped.

And during group, I wanted to swallow myself, turning me inside out.

Don't know what happened...didn't go back?

Parents suggested a all girls catholic school...I was excited, but nothing ever came of it..may be cost?

calimary

(80,700 posts)
21. I bet this whole sordid Kavanaugh affair brings back
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 12:31 PM
Sep 2018

- and brings out - a lot of memories. Painful ones. Memories that victims from coast-to-coast have suppressed or otherwise tried to ignore or bury or deny. I bet there are more victims, even long-ago victims, who may finally feel like coming forward with their own rape and attempted rape experiences.

Having to relive such a real-life horror - God, I can’t even imagine the pain and renewed anguish! God bless those courageous victims. What they have to endure. And the latter-day horrors Dr. Ford has to not only relive but endure - the downright scary and real death threats she’s received - merely for the “sin” of coming forward with her truth. Merely for throwing real and painful shade on their chosen little judicial “sun god”.

If he were REALLY innocent, he’d be yelling and screaming for the FBI to “bring it!” Just like Cory Booker did. “I’m NOT guilty! Bring on the FBI! Bring your investigators! Let ‘em crawl all over this! They’ll prove I’m innocent!” But notice - he’s NOT doing that! He’s never once said or asked for or advocated or urged an investigation. Dr. Ford is the one asking for an investigation. Maybe she’s not afraid of what they’re apt to find in such an investigation. His behavior suggests he IS afraid of what might be turned up. Otherwise, wouldn’t he be eager to “bring it on” for the sake of clearing his name?

Remember what Michael Avenatti said, soon after he first came on the scene: “those who have nothing to hide - hide nothing.” If you’re really innocent here, Brett, then you should not fear an investigation. You should be calling for one. You should be demanding one!

Adding one thought, on edit:
EVERY man in this country needs to see the 1972 Burt Reynolds movie “Deliverance.” That’s as close as any man can get to understanding what rape is.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deliverance

Ilsa

(61,675 posts)
4. Hugs to you.
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 09:55 AM
Sep 2018

I truly hope you were able to get help over the years as you progressed through developmental stages, especially.

I also hope you got justice from the court.

Response to Squinch (Reply #7)

angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
12. My mother was a horrible person..she blamed my for my rape
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 10:58 AM
Sep 2018

I ran away after the trial.

I ran away and I became promiscuous, when I went to court at age 13 for running away, she said I was incorrigible and the judge sent me to reform school...Bonair School for Girls.

That's another chapter in my life...

The first thing they did back then was to give each girl a very hot douche, send them to the hairdressers and cut and perm their hair, not so they look pretty!

Peterson Cottage was the intake cottage.

I almost forgot about all this till Kavanaugh

AND there is more!



cpamomfromtexas

(1,243 posts)
23. I can identify. My mother was terrible too.
Fri Sep 28, 2018, 08:22 PM
Sep 2018

She always made excuses for my father. Together they have committed at least 6 felonies lately with me as primary victim.

I didn’t run away only because I thought the abuse couldn’t last and My grandmother was amazing and I couldn’t break her heart. Oh how wrong I was. I regret not telling my grandmother of all the abuse.

cpamomfromtexas

(1,243 posts)
24. Oh my goodness. I had no idea this went on!
Sun Oct 7, 2018, 09:33 PM
Oct 2018

You are not alone, my parents are still monsters. As in around 6 felonies against me in the last few months. Last issue was my father pulling a gun on my son.

Its about to get real in his world. Gloves are coming off.

Lotusflower70

(3,077 posts)
10. I am so sorry for your pain and suffering
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 10:40 AM
Sep 2018

I wish you healing and love. All the responses you received were so wrong. They make you turn inward and question yourself. It's disgusting and heartbreaking. There is no excuse, justification or rationalization for what happened to you. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. You are innocent, they are guilty.

I hesitated telling what happened to me repeatedly as a child by three uncles. I was asked by police officers what I did to provoke it. My guidance counselor when I finally spoke out at age 15 asked me if I enjoyed it. I slapped her face, lit my file on fire on her desk and told her to go to hell. And a priest that told me i was going to hell when I had an abortion at 13. I told him that I had already been there. Those responses sent a message and that message took away accountability and projecting blame. I know better now but at the time, I was mired in doubt and shame.

liberalmuse

(18,670 posts)
14. This is heart breaking and enraging.
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:06 AM
Sep 2018

I’m so sorry people around you failed you. That is their shame, not yours. Reading the horrific accounts in this thread tells me that our society has gravely failed and is continuing to fail so many women and girls and the men and boys who have been sexually abused and assaulted. We cannot allow people to side with and protect the predators while further harming those they’ve hurt.

A person who is sexually assaulted is then emotionally and spiritually assaulted by societies who fetishize the dominance of the XY while undervaluing the XX. We’ve failed half of humanity and need to do so much better. I wish someone could have been there for you so you would have been on the path to healing as soon as these terrible things happened to you. I believe there are enough of us to move our society forward. We simply can’t allow human predator behavior any form of acceptance, for the sake of all those who they’ve egregiously violated and continue to harm.

raging moderate

(4,281 posts)
11. You are very brave and strong to tell your story. This was not your fault at all.
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 10:51 AM
Sep 2018

You were only a little girl. I am so sorry this happened to you; the rest of us owe you an apology for it. By telling your story, you may be preventing some other eleven-year-old from going through this ordeal. I wish you many happy moments, and much joy, and great friendship and love, and lifelong rejoicing in the glory of knowing that you are this brave and this strong.

angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
13. Thank you!
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:05 AM
Sep 2018

I shall attempt to imitate your life....kindness and caring.

I love people like you, non judgmental, and loving. What we should all emulate, but it's hard.

MaryMagdaline

(6,849 posts)
15. I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:15 AM
Sep 2018

This whole Kavanaugh episode must bring up horrible feelings.

Your story does bring the point home that adults are complicit in harming children. We’ve been that way since the beginning of time.


sagetea

(1,363 posts)
16. Sometimes..
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:30 AM
Sep 2018

It never stops. (the rape). My mother too, told me to take a bath, after my father said that's what I deserve when I 'tramp' around (I was 13 and walking home from babysitting). I remember looking at my parents, standing there with my pants torn, ripped, my shirt held together, by a knot that I fashioned. After the rape, I ran home, to that.

A second rape (with all of his buddies) happened in the gym. Only one was suspended.

And again...this time by a 'friend' of my father's. I was locked in a house for more than 4 hours.

and again...a man who was 18 yrs. older than me (I worked for him) I was 16 he 34. The first time was a rape, I moved in with him. Things went from bad to worse, he kidnapped me and kept me in a cage in a basement in a neighboring state. HIS MOTHER got me out, because he was arrested in our home town, with lewd pictures of me. When I got back to my hometown, I was arrested for being a 'runaway' and put in jail. years later, I found out that I was 'put up for sale'. Being in jail actually saved my life. Oh, and...my father's brother, was (at that time) a Justice of the peace, who later became DA then Supreme Court judge for my home state. My mother's brother, was a lawyer, who later became DA, an aunt who was a cop, and nobody helped me.

I never felt safe. Then when the man who kidnapped me, died, I felt that I could tell my story, and I did, to a therapist, to my husband and my family. There was only two people on this planet that knew what happened, and I couldn't say anything because I was afraid what would happen.


I did tell!! I did!! the first three times!! But, how can you keep saying something when 1) it keeps happening and 2) nobody helped you?

I became a hermit. I never went back to school, heck I never learned how to do algebra or other things you learn in Jr. high and high school. Until my own daughter was learning it, then she would explain it to me. I felt stupid!

So, when I read how these vulnerable, beautifully brave women say something, in a way, I feel that they are speaking up not just for themselves, but for other women like me, who just gave up and slept for 30 yrs.

sage

angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
17. I do believe I became promiscuous in order NOT to be raped again
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:45 AM
Sep 2018

Like they say, how can you rape the willing...for every person I had sex with, I was raping myself.

After I married I went through a healing to quell the promiscuous..it was personal but it worked!
.

angstlessk

(11,862 posts)
18. Child, you need to post your experience separately
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 11:51 AM
Sep 2018

You have suffered too much to be a part of someone else's discussion

sagetea

(1,363 posts)
20. Lol!!
Sat Sep 22, 2018, 12:04 PM
Sep 2018

I tried to once before here on DU, it fell like a lead brick in a lake!! I think most people don't want to know the details of how monsters are made. But, that is what I have become, a monster. My husband is gone more than he is home, my daughter just graduated college and is on the getting her doctorate...in Human behavior and Phycology. I am home alone and have tried to make friends, but even at 50, I can't trust and will destroy any attempt at friendship.

I can talk about it on social media, because then I don't have to see the looks of pity and revulsion on their faces!

I found help eventually, with my tribe, Blackfoot people, (native Americans) I did a lot of healing and learned other stuff, like what is right and what is wrong, I learned so many things! Things you can't learn in school, for instance! lol!!

My life is good, now! And I know I am loved!

Thank you for talking to me!

sage

raging moderate

(4,281 posts)
22. You are also very brave and very strong.
Sun Sep 23, 2018, 11:26 PM
Sep 2018

You are wonderful! You are not a monster! The monsters are those who tried to destroy you, just as their cohorts tried to destroy your beautiful Blackfoot tribe. Look, look! You are all still here! Evil cannot win, in the long run! Your strength has defeated them! On behalf of the human race, I thank you, and I thank your Blackfoot tribe, for overcoming a monstrous evil!

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