Breaking: Paul Ryan Nominates Joel Osteen to Be New House Chaplain

[MineralMan]

In a surprise move during the weekend, Speaker Ryan proposed that Prosperity Gospel champion, Joel Osteen, become the new chaplain for the U.S. House of Representatives. In a brief comment, the Speaker said, "America needs to become more prosperous. It needs a new approach to individual wealth. Pastor Osteen carries that message and shows us the way. Working Americans should be grateful to pay more taxes to the Federal Government. As Jesus, himself, said, 'It will be returned an hundred-fold.' Joel, my good friend, suggests that the road to a more prosperious America will come through even higher taxes on low-income citizens, who will benefit in the end, of course. I agree with the good Pastor, and will be introducing new legislation to that effect soon."

[Vinca]

1. Perfect example of what's wrong with the Trump era. Is this real or parody? Could be either.

[MineralMan]

2. The :evilgrin: emoticon indicates parody.

Reality indicates that it's very close to not being satirical, however. It's a fine, fine line.

[groundloop]

44. In these times it can be difficult to tell parody from reality

Spanky has certainly given political cartoonists and comedians plenty of material to work with.

[Honeycombe8]

59. No, it doesn't. The emoji "sarcasm" is the indicator to be used.

[MineralMan]

82. There are no rules.

Truly.

[AlleganCarpenter]

61. Irony

is difficult in these trying times.

[MineralMan]

83. Many things are.

[LAS14]

94. Where's the :evilgrin: emoticon??? nt

[MineralMan]

95. At the bottom of the OP.

Maybe your device doesn't show them.

[thegoose]

53. And media continues to take over this insane White House

Fux Snooze and the Enquirer are Dumpie's mouthpieces, and this phony televangelist would fit right in the swamp...

[politicaljunkie41910]

96. This is blasphemy. Paul Ryan should be ashamed of himself.

[hlthe2b]

3. Actually that's about what I'd expect-- the Ayn Randian "prosperity gospel" types

are his idea of religious leaders. I hope the Catholic members, both Rs and Dems absolutely skewer Ryan for this.

[A HERETIC I AM]

4. ...

[CentralMass]

5. :-)

[lunatica]

6. Is the link you didn't include from Borowitz?

[MineralMan]

8. Nope. It's my own dabbling at things.

[lunatica]

9. I'm impressed!

Excellent satire!

[MineralMan]

10. It's a hobby of mine.

[Iggo]

7. Lock the doors!

[workinclasszero]

11. Lol

You had me goin there for a second

[nolabear]

12. You're a beast.

[JDC]

13. Woundn't surprise anyone with a move like that

He'd cite all the great work he did during Harvey.

[FM123]

14. And this is why I enjoy your posts so much! Bravo MM

[MineralMan]

22. Thank you kindly!

[Clarity2]

15. Im so glad you were joking

But you know its going to be some other right wing evangelical faux christian.

[Docreed2003]

16. The perfect religious mouthpiece for these people!

[NightWatcher]

17. He'd never play a place as small as the Capitol.

[Takket]

18. the sad thing is how completely believable this is.................

[MineralMan]

19. There are many, many sad things associated with the GOP.

Yes, indeed.

[smirkymonkey]

52. I actually bought it for a minute.

It would not surprise me if it was true.

[ProudLib72]

20. If it had not been for the evil grin, I would have believed every word

You need to use this emoji:

[northoftheborder]

21. OMG

There are no smilies to express my distaste; razors on a blackboard could not make me cringe any more at the prospect of this person leading? addressing? exhorting? Congress in prayer.

[northoftheborder]

23. OK - Mineral Man - you got me! My first reaction was a horrified belief in the truth of the post.

[MineralMan]

25. Tee-hee!

[OldHippieChick]

24. I nearly vomited on my

keyboard. This would be exactly what those repukelicans would want, but hopefully the Catholic Ryan won't go this far.

[northoftheborder]

26. Please let me to the Irish coffee to get through the afternoon!

[Civic Justice]

27. In a surprise move during the weekend, Speaker Ryan proposed that Prosperity Gospel champion,

It just goes to show, they care nothing about "Gods Truth For the Conduct of Mankind with respect toward other mankind... they only want to "talk prosperity" because their mentality is about "Greed and Money".

The care for general society has no concern for these Republicans.... if they could, they'd change money to read-- "In Money We Trust" !!!! Screw everything and everyone else. They have the mentality of Slaver's.... one in which nothing matters except money... and no act is to vile in the pursuit of money.


Anyone who talks of honor, ethics, truth and fair play... Republicans will want to incarcerate them and if they could, they'd order them before a firing squad.

They figure they've force fed PLUTOCRACY DOWN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THROAT....!!!! they've insulted and denigrated the justice system....so now... REPUBLICANS... figure all they got to do, is keep pushing and the rest will submit to PLUTOCRACY.

[MineralMan]

28. Say It Loud!

Uh...

[Yonnie3]

29. Shh!

Ryan shouldn't hear about this.

Excellent, MineralMan.

[onecent]

30. OMG THIS MAKES ME SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[onecent]

32. You were joking...???? good.......

[sandensea]

31. Just the guy for today's kleptocracy

Or as Republicans refer to it, the prosperity gospel.

[MineralMan]

33. It's the ultimate in trickle-down economics, really.

From on high, so to speak.

[sandensea]

34. Praise the Lawd that's good!

'From on high'

[MineralMan]

36. Tee-hee!

[Tavarious Jackson]

35. You scared me.

I believed it. Anything is possible in this administration. Lol

[struggle4progress]

37. "We just won't tolerate those communists who pray for us to be fair and remember the poor!"

[Sam McGee]

38. If this is not satire . . .

If this is true and not satire, I may just drink the rest of the day. And much of tomorrow.

[trusty elf]

39. Osteentatious!

[ChubbyStar]

43. Spot on! Love it

In this day and age it is absurd that anyone with a pulse takes these grifting charlatans seriously. Joel and Nordstrom Barbie need a quick toss to the curb.

[DFW]

40. That was funny and all, but just too over the top for me to fall for it

That was no more believable then, say, naming Ben Carson as Secretary of HUD.
Or Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education.
Or Scott Pruitt as head of the EPA.

Oh. Wait.

Never mind.

[MineralMan]

54. I know, right...

[FakeNoose]

41. I would have believed this, except

... Joel Osteen is a multi-multi-millionaire. He's got a good thing going in Texas, and no reason to give that up for a no-thanks job in Washington.

This is definitely believeable though. Good job Mineral Man!

[lsewpershad]

42. Might as well

He truly believes in the self aggrandizing "ryndian" teachings of self.

[bucolic_frolic]

45. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Creepy!

[True Blue American]

46. Borowitz?

[MineralMan]

56. What? That chump?

[NBachers]

47. If only Reverend Dimmsdale from The Scarlet Letter was available.

[GoneOffShore]

48. Osteen has the same dead eyes as Ayn Ryan

[Anon-C]

49. I CANNOT BREATH!

[shraby]

50. You had me till about half-way thru. Then I'm looking for

borowitz or onion link.
You sure picked the perfect photo for it.

[shadowmayor]

51. Well Done MM

In the event of a catastrophe, the doors will not be opened for the suffering until the authorities tell us the time is right!

[bitterross]

55. Damn! That was good! I fell for it - hook, line and sinker.

Kudos to you for really good satire. Good satire, of course, is so close to the truth it's believable.

[MineralMan]

57. Thanks!

[onetexan]

58. GAG

Disgusting

[Nitram]

60. That is so Repubican.

[lillypaddle]

62. PLEASE identify parody posts

So those of us who have NO appreciation for them will not waste our time.

[MineralMan]

68. Sorry. No.

There would be no point to them, then. It cost you little enough, and others enjoyed it.

[Fritz Walter]

63. I was going to suggest others

• Franklin Graham — assuming his mourning of dear-old-Dad Billy (not to mention probate) has concluded.
• Creflo Dollar — his name says it all, but it’s hard to imagine Republicans of (ahem!) European descent bowing their heads when he’s on-stage, at-mike, in-the-Capitol-pulpit.
• An Orthodox Rabbi who would preach and invoke prayers for the return of Jerusalem to its biblical position (and I’m talking Old Testament, pre-Roman Empire glory here).

Or, just for hits and giggles, just about any holy roller, including the tent-revivalists, serpent-handling, or hellfire-and-brimstone preaching charlatans who curries favor with RepubliCONs.

I'm past caring at this point. Even this guy would not surprise me.

[jmowreader]

64. Hope he doesn't see this

Making Joel Osteen, or one of the other prosperity preachers, the new House chaplain is something he'd do.

[George II]

65. Is this for real?

[MineralMan]

70. As real as anything, these days...

[keithbvadu2]

66. Prosperity Gospel rolls downhill

Prosperity Gospel rolls downhill

The only reason I doubted the tale was that Joel would not deign to such a low-paying position.

It would be a waste of his earnings time.

[MineralMan]

72. LOL!

[RKP5637]

67. Yet another fucken misfit! n/t

[Johnny2X2X]

69. Vile, evil, and disgusting

Joel Osteen is sick, he bilks the elderly, the infirm, and the ignorant out of their money so he can live like a king. Sick, disgusting vile trash. One of the worst human beings in the planet.

[RKP5637]

71. Ryan in his forthcoming departure wants to make sure things are fucked up at all levels! n/t

[guillaumeb]

73. Truth in parody.

[mercuryblues]

74. do you

want to tell him? Or should I?

https://www.democraticunderground.com/100210552287

[MineralMan]

75. Several have. SUCCESS!

[malaise]

76. You never fail to catch DUers

[MineralMan]

77. It wouldn't be fun otherwise.

[DoctorJoJo]

78. Good One: But Even Better ....

... would be the ultimate religious buffoon, and Trump licker, Pasteurized Mark Burns!

[47of74]

79. Wouldn't suprise me if that worthless fuck Ryan did call for Father Rub One Out to be chaplain...

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

81. "The horror! The horror!" nt

[yorkie77]

84. I told my husband a few hours ago

Watch him appoint Joel Osteen, who obviously has very little concern for those who are poor. Hope this does not happen.

[MineralMan]

85. Unlikely. Ryan's a Catholic, and retiring.

But, we both had the same idea.

[Rebl2]

86. True or not

Can’t stand Osteen. He’s no different than these other money grubbing tv preachers.

[Shoonra]

87. Is this a joke??

Joel Osteen is fabulously wealthy, with a truly palatial home, in the (IIRC) Houston, Texas area. He has an enormous church, that used to be a sports arena, that is filled two or three times every week.

For him to move to Washington to give 90-second prayers for just the Representatives in Congress, for civil service pay, is absurd.

[MineralMan]

89. What do you think?

[Lucky Luciano]

88. Is this Borowitz?

[MineralMan]

90. Uh, no.

See the thread.

[Lucky Luciano]

91. Haha! Well done then. You straddled the fine line well.

It was actually hard to discern the truth of this OP!

[MineralMan]

92. Thanks.

[LAS14]

93. Yikes!!! This would never pass in a script for a play or movie.... Too unbelievable!!!

"Joel, my good friend, suggests that the road to a more prosperious America will come through even higher taxes on low-income citizens, who will benefit in the end, of course."

[samplegirl]

97. I'd rather burn in hell

Last edited Sat Apr 28, 2018, 09:43 PM - Edit history (1)

Than follow a rich bullshit speaker like Osteen!

[keithbvadu2]

98. Judas got 30 pieces of silver, but just once, for selling Christ.

Judas got 30 pieces of silver, but just once, for selling Christ.

Pat Robertson, Joel Osteen and their ilk get millions of dollars repeatedly for selling Christ.

Judas was a fool for doing a one-time sale.

[uppityperson]

99. K&R for Snopes!

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/did-ryan-osteen-house-chaplain/