The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 235)

March 6, 2006
Fifth Annual Oscar Special!

The Oscars are here again, and to show how much we love those little gold statuettes it's time for our annual homage to Hollywood, the Top 10 Conservative Idiots Oscar Special. Bill O'Reilly (1) takes home the honors thanks to his Academy Award-winning performance on The Factor last week, but George W. Bush (2,3,4,5) rakes in four wins, a big improvement over last year's performance. Other winners include Duke Cunningham (6) for producing last week's courtroom drama, Scooter Libby (8) for directing money into his bank account, and Bill Frist (9) for acting like an ass. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Bill O'Reilly
Most Amusing Mental Breakdown: The Falafel Master has been on the list quite a few times recently, and I thought he'd have to do something really dumb to get on this week - let alone make it all the way to the number one slot. But it was obviously very foolish of me to underestimate Mr. O'Reilly's talent for douchebaggery.

We noted last week that O'Reilly had started a lame petition to replace MSNBC's Keith Olbermann with Phil Donahue. Keith had some fun with that. But in the wake of recent news that Fox News' ratings are starting to slide while MSNBC's are climbing, it seems that these days the mere mention of Olbermann's name is enough to make O'Reilly break out in hives.

Last week, Mike Stark of CallingAllWingnuts.com caused O'Reilly to make a giant jackass of himself while taking phone calls on The Radio Factor. Here's how Mike ruined the Falafel Master's day:

Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like to listen to you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...

And that was it - O'Reilly pulled the plug on Mike before he could get another word out. Fortunately, Mike was able to record O'Reilly's subsequent meltdown for your listening pleasure. The transcript follows:

MIKE: Hey Bill, I appreciate you taking my call. I like to listen to you during the day, I think Keith Olbermann's show...

(Click)

FALAFEL MASTER: There you go, Mike is, er, he's a gone guy. You know we have your phone numbers by the way, so if you're listening Mike, we have your phone number and we're going to turn it over to Fox security, and you'll be getting a little visit.

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Maybe Mike's from the mothership.

FALAFEL MASTER: No, maybe Mike's gonna get in big trouble. Because we're not going to play around. When you call us ladies and gentlemen, just so you know, we do have your phone number and if you say anything untoward, obscene, or anything like that, Fox security then will contact local authorities and you will be held accountable. Fair?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: That's fair.

FALAFEL MASTER: So just, all you guys who do this kind of a thing, you know, I know some shock-jocks, ER, whatever, you will be held accountable. Believe it.

Jesus, what a loon. He's going to try to get someone arrested for saying "Keith Olbermann" on his radio show? Best of luck with that!

But the story gets crazier - it turns out that O'Reilly really did sic his head of security on at least one caller - DUer adigal, who was harassed by Fox after having the temerity to mention Keith Olbermann's name last Friday.

So here's a special plea to all readers of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots: whatever you do, please DO NOT call Bill O'Reilly at 1-877-9-NO-SPIN from noon to 2 PM Monday through Friday and mention Keith Olbermann. Because you don't want to get in trouble with Fox security. And you don't want poor Bill's head to explode, do you?

George W. Bush
Best Actor In A Leading Role: Last week the Associated Press uncovered a series of videos shot on August 28th, 2005 - one day before Hurricane Katrina struck the gulf coast - in which Our Great Leader is caught on camera receiving dire warnings about the coming catastrophe from none other than Mike "Heckuvajob" Brown. According to the Associated Press:

A top hurricane expert voiced "grave concerns" about the levees and then-Federal Emergency Management Agency chief Michael Brown told the president and Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff that he feared there weren't enough disaster teams to help evacuees at the Superdome.

"I'm concerned about ... their ability to respond to a catastrophe within a catastrophe," Brown told his bosses the afternoon before Katrina made landfall.

Some of the footage and transcripts from briefings Aug. 25-31 conflicts with the defenses that federal, state and local officials have made in trying to deflect blame and minimize the political fallout from the failed Katrina response.

Homeland Security officials have said the "fog of war" blinded them early on to the magnitude of the disaster. But the video and transcripts show federal and local officials discussed threats clearly, reviewed long-made plans and understood Katrina would wreak devastation of historic proportions. "I'm sure it will be the top 10 or 15 when all is said and done."

During the videotaped briefing, George W. Bush asked no questions, and made one short statement of support: "I want to assure the folks at the state level that we are fully prepared to not only help you during the storm, but we will move in whatever resources and assets we have at our disposal after the storm."

That was August 28. And then this happened (cue Benny Hill theme tune):

Finally, on September 1, Bush announced that, "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees."

Now, a lot of people have jumped on the president for saying that, but let's be fair here. None of his advisors actually said "breached" (at least, not more than once). Instead they used the word "overtopped," which makes all the difference in the world.

See, if Bush had been told that the levees might breach, he would have done everything in his power to make sure that New Orleans got all the help it needed. But when he didn't hear the all-important word "breached," he decided to go to John McCain's birthday party instead.

It's like September 11th - remember when Bush sat there in that classroom for seven minutes acting like nothing had happened? That's because Andrew Card told him that "America is under attack." If Card had said, "America is under attack, you might want to get up and do something," I bet Bush would have gotten up immediately.

It's just a matter of choosing the right words with this president.

George W. Bush
Best CEO President: The storm brewing over the sale of American port operations to the United Arab Emirates continues to batter George W. Bush's political standing. Republicans seem utterly confused on this issue: they can't criticize the deal without criticizing the president, and they can't not criticize the deal without suffering the consequences of the fact that they've spent the last five years persuading their constituents that anyone wearing a dishdasha has probably got a dirty bomb stuffed up there somewhere.

But if you thought that the GOP didn't know what to do with the port problem, wait till they get a load of this: last week, George W. Bush announced that he would be selling America's nuclear secrets to India. Now, since India hasn't signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, that's technically illegal. Ha ha! As if something stupid like the law is going to stop Our Great Leader.

So, you're probably wondering to yourself, what do we get in exchange for our nuclear secrets? I'll let Lou Dobbs explain:

No, seriously. We're getting mangoes.

In a related story, "U.S. President George W. Bush gave no sign on Saturday that he would support granting Pakistan the same kind of nuclear agreement just reached with India." Presumably the president might be persuaded to change his mind if Pakistan can guarantee several shipments of plums.

George W. Bush
Best Excuse To Use The Word "Misspoke": Bush snuck into Pakistan under cover of night last week, but it turned out that Air Force One wasn't the only thing in the dark. While still in India, Our Great Leader gave a nationally televised speech where he complimented Pakistan as "a steadfast partner…. A force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world."

Which would have been great, if Pakistan was an Arab country. Which is it isn't.

As if Scott McClellan's job wasn't already difficult enough (hey, it's hard work keeping all those lies in order) he then had to explain to the press corps that when Bush said "Arab" he really meant "Muslim."

And people wonder why there's confusion over the ports deal...

George W. Bush
Dorkiest Moment In World Sports: Okay, one more entry for George W. Bush and then we'll move on. While in Pakistan, Bush tried his hand at cricket. Now, I happen to know a thing or two about the noble sport of cricket, and take it from me - this isn't exactly how it's done:

While batting, Bush faced three deliveries from Pakistan's national team captain Inzaman-ul-Haq - according to the BBC, "[Bush] hit two deliveries from the crease, and was struck on the shoulder by one."

Inzaman-ul-Haq had better watch his step if he wants to avoid the fate of Pakistan's former cricket captain Imran Khan. The world-famous Khan, who now heads an opposition party in Pakistan, was placed under house arrest last week for trying to organize a rally in protest of Bush's visit. Ah, there's nothing like the smell of freedom on the march.

Duke Cunningham
Most Impressive Fall From Grace: Au revoir, Duke Cunningham - we'll see you in eight years and four months. The disgraced Republican lawmaker was sentenced last week to the longest prison sentence ever given to a member of Congress after taking $2.4 million worth of bribes in exchange for lucrative defense contracts.

Cunningham was also ordered to pay "$1.8 million in restitution for back taxes," "an additional $1.85 million for cash bribes he received," and the proceeds from the sale of his 7,628-square-foot Rancho Santa Fe mansion. Judge Larry Burns said, "I think what you've done is you've undermined the opportunity that honest politicians have to do a good job. The amount of money involved emasculates prior bribery crimes."

Cunningham's jail time began immediately, but the judge said that his sentence could be reduced by as much as 15% for good behavior. So here's hoping he doesn't shiv anyone over a pack of cigarettes.

The Pentagon
Best News To Come Out Of Iraq In Ages: It should come as no surprise that the Pentagon last week "dismissed" a poll of US soldiers fighting in Iraq. The poll showed that 72% of US troops stationed there believe that they should pull out within a year. Only 22% thought that they should stay in Iraq "as long as it takes," while one in three want the US to withdraw immediately.

Clearly these numbers do not bode well for the Bush administration, and the Pentagon must now be scrambling to come up with a way to raise the morale of that large majority of troops.

So I have a proposal: given her strong belief in the Iraq war, I would like to recommend that Rep. Jean Schmidt of Ohio be sent to Iraq to tell the troops there that "cowards cut and run, Marines never do." She seemed pretty firm in that belief on the floor of the House, so I'm sure she'd be glad to take her message to the 72% of American troops in Iraq who want to come home within a year. Come on Jean, put your money where your mouth is!

Scooter Libby
Biggest Waste Of Time: Last week the Scooter Libby Defense Fund went online, so if you feel like donating some dollars to a guy who allegedly outed an undercover CIA agent and is currently accused of perjury and obstruction of justice, just swing on over to www.scooterlibby.org.

The first thing you'll notice is a quote from Dick Cheney at the top of the page: "Scooter Libby is one of the most capable and talented individuals I have ever known." That's pretty impressive coming from a guy who can't tell the difference between a 78-year-old man and a quail.

Libby's defense fund is run by some impressive individuals - for example, Fred Malek, Richard Nixon's "Special Assistant," who advised Nixon to never write anything down. As Tom Tomorrow points out:

Why does Scooter Libby want the support of a political hatchetman from the Nixon administration who not only engaged in extremely unsavory activities, but then was caught trying to cover them up?

Is it because Fred Malek has completely changed since 1972, and Libby’s completely innocent, so they can have long discussions about the importance of ethics in governmental service?

Or... is Libby hoping for advice from Malek on how to avoid the mistakes he made?

Other luminaries on Libby's advisory committee are Frances Fukuyama, Mary Matalin, and, um, Tucker Carlson's dad. Yeah.

By the way, if you'd rather give your money to a much more worthy cause than Scooter Libby, head over to LibbyDefenseFund.com instead. Props to Buzzflash and Take Back The Media for setting that up!

Bill Frist
Most Unconstitutional: There have been recent grumblings from some Republicans who still vaguely remember the good old days when the Legislative Branch acted as a real check on the power of the Executive - grumblings which are getting a little loud for the Bush administration's tastes. On March 7 an Intelligence Committee vote may lead to oversight hearings of the administration's illegal wiretapping scheme - and you know Bush and Co. ain't happy about that.

For 30 years, the bipartisan Senate Select Intelligence Committee has been made up of an equal number of Democrats and Republicans. It's a non-political committee designed to keep the nation's national security interests above the interests of the Executive Branch. But last week, faced with the unpleasant possibility that his nose might become dislodged from George W. Bush's butt if the oversight vote doesn't go his way, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist decided to take action.

On Friday, Frist sent a letter to Sen. Harry Reid complaining that the Intelligence Committee could not do its job because of "stifling partisanship" which according to him is - surprise! - the fault of the Democrats. Frist's solution is to reduce the number of Democrats on the committee and put it under partisan Republican control. Of course, if Democrats choose to play nice and turn a blind eye to the Bush administration's lawbreaking... well, maybe Sen. Frist will choose to be magnanimous. Get the picture?

It's strange - there used to be a time when Republicans were all about fiscal responsibility, personal freedom, and respecting the Constitution. Nowadays they seem far more interested in throwing your tax dollars down the Iraq money pit, spying on your every move, and using the Constitution to blow their noses afterwards.

Dick Cheney
Best Marie Antoinette Impersonation: And finally, the Bush administration certainly hasn't made government any smaller, but it's definitely doing it's best to crush the hopes and dreams of the average American. The federal budget for 2007 is $2.77 trillion, and while military spending continues to rise, the little guy is getting stiffed everywhere - from cuts in Veterans' services to rising gas prices to increases in drug costs under the new Medicare plan.

According to the Bush administration, the economy is roaring. Perhaps it is if you're already a multi-millionaire, but for everyone else it's getting more and more difficult to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps." According to the UK Guardian, "Last year, Americans' personal savings rate dropped to its lowest point since the Great Depression. The dismal state of savings comes as a big wave of baby boomers will soon start retiring."

So what's Dick Cheney's solution to this problem?

"The American dream begins with saving money and that should begin on the very first day of work," Cheney told a conference here exploring how to encourage people to boost savings and be better prepared for retirement.

Too often, workers are living paycheck to paycheck and are not saving sufficiently, Cheney said.

Oh, well la-di-fucking-da. It's all well and good for Mr. I Shoot Caged Quail With My Millionaire Friends to complain about too many workers living paycheck to paycheck, but clearly Dick doesn't understand that millions of Americans have no choice in the matter. In fact, many Americans work multiple jobs and still don't have money left over. And if you do manage to stay afloat, it only takes one serious medical emergency to wipe out your nest egg - even if you're lucky enough to have health insurance.

Still, if you needed proof that Vice President Crashcart is about as out-of-touch as it's possible to be, check out the latest CBS poll which shows Dick's approval rating at a staggering 18%. It seems the vast majority of Americans share the sentiments of the Reuters photographer who took this picture at the conference where Cheney made his remarks:

See you next week!

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