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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 194)
April 18, 2005
Hammertime Edition
 That's
right - Tom DeLay (1) has made it to the top of the list for the
third week running. How much longer will rank-and-file Republicans
put up with his antics? Elsewhere, The Bush Administration (2) has
an interesting new plan for dealing with terrorism, Senate Republicans
(3) showed how much they care about American military personnel,
and George W. Bush (5) made some dubious statements about the invasion
of Iraq. Meanwhile, Sean Hannity (6) demonstrated the integrity
of Fox "News," The Alliance Defense Fund (7) likes harassment,
Eric Rudolph (8) is not, apparently, a terrorist, and Jeff Miller
(10) has made an ass of himself. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
 Tom
DeLay
I promise you it's not my intention to put Tom DeLay at the
top of this list week after week until he gets booted out of Washington
D.C. - far from it. If he keeps this up I'll run out of bad puns
for the name of each week's edition. It's just that, well, it seems
like he's been going out of his way to earn the number one spot
lately. Most recently The Hammer was out and about blaming the Democrats
- again - for his misfortunes, because if there's one thing Republicans
want you to know about America, it's that personal responsibility
is paramount. Wait a second, that's not it... what was it again?
Oh yes - it's that everything is the Democrats' fault.
This time, though, it appears Tom needs a little help from his
friends. In a private meeting last week he urged
his GOP pals to blame the Democrats (and the "liberal media"
naturally) if they were asked about his ethics misfortunes. Sadly
it seems that some Republicans are starting to step away from the
stench of impropriety surrounding the House Majority Leader: Rick
Santorum said
last week that he doesn't believe that DeLay is guilty of any crimes,
but he should "lay out what he did and why he did it,"
Newt Gingrich noted
that "DeLay's problem isn't with the Democrats; DeLay's problem
is with the country," Rep. Tom Tancredo said,
"If he chose to resign as majority leader until these matters
are resolved, that's probably not the worst idea," Rep. Christopher
Shays went a bit further, calling DeLay "an absolute embarrassment
to me and to the Republican Party," and George W. Bush said,
"I'm looking forward to working with Tom. He's been a very
effective leader." Which means DeLay is definitely in
trouble.
(A quick aside: if Rick Santorum is so keen on Tom DeLay explaining
himself, perhaps Santorum could also tell everyone why, when he
went
down to Florida because he was so concerned for the well-being
of Terri Schiavo, he flew to on a Wal-Mart corporate jet and raised
$250,000 for his 2006 re-election campaign?)
DeLay has also continued to criticize the judiciary, saying that
recent court decisions "are not examples of a mature society,
but of a judiciary run amok." I guess a mature society is one
in which Tom DeLay has complete control over the federal government
and every judge in the country makes decisions that he agrees with.
However, he also apologized
for his earlier remarks about judges (see Idiots 192)
saying, "I probably said - I did, I didn't probably - I said
something in an inartful way, and I shouldn't have said it that
way, and I apologize for saying it that way." So all you judges
who have had to get extra
security from the U.S. Marshals can breathe a sigh of relief
now. Tom DeLay didn't mean to encourage his radical
nutcase supporters in such an "inartful" way.
 The
Bush Administration 
Considering how badly
things are going for George W. Bush and the Republicans at the moment,
it's a wonder we haven't had a good old terror alert to keep us
on our toes and remind us how much better life is under the GOP.
But the Bush administration really doesn't seem too keen to take
that tack at the moment - it was revealed last week that the State
Department is eliminating a 19-year-old international terrorism
report.
Why? Because, according
to Knight Ridder, "the government's top terrorism center
concluded that there were more terrorist attacks in 2004 than in
any year since 1985, the first year the publication covered."
I guess the administration's anti-terror policies are really working
wonders, eh? Apparently the National Counterterrorism Center reported
625 "significant" terrorist attacks in 2004 compared with
175 attacks in 2003. The 2003 total was the highest in twenty years,
and incidentally the 2003 report was the one the administration
used to justify its anti-terror policies in the run up to the 2004
election.
So in light of this information it's good to know that the administration
is taking action to stop terrorism by, uh, not reporting it.
 Senate
Republicans 
Now is also probably a good time to remind ourselves of how
well the Republicans are treating our military. Last week Senate
Republicans blocked
Democratic efforts to add more money for veterans' health care
to a supplemental appropriations bill in a party-line 54-46 vote.
According to the Marine Corps Times, the money - which the
Republicans voted against - was to "cover costs of treating
returning combat veterans for war-related injuries and to cover
shortfalls in funding for VA programs." Thad Cochran (R-Naturally),
chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, said that the money
was "not really an emergency need." I wonder how Republicans
are going to explain that to the injured veterans coming home from
Iraq and Afghanistan? No, don't tell me - they'll blame the Democrats.
 Wolf
Blitzer 
Here's a shining example of the insidious conservative spin
that infests the corporate media: on a recent edition of CNN's Inside
Politics, Wolf Blitzer discussed the Pope's funeral with Crossfire
hosts Paul Begala (the liberal one) and Robert Novak (the treasonous
one). He introduced the segment thusly:
While they were united today in mourning the death of the pope,
U.S. Catholics are a diverse group, as illustrated by two of our
Crossfire co-hosts, the conservative Robert Novak, the liberal
Paul Begala. Both good Catholics - I don't know "good" Catholics,
but both Catholics. I'm sure Bob is a good Catholic, I'm not so
sure about Paul Begala.
Huh... interesting. Now why would Bob Novak be a good Catholic,
but Paul Begala a bad one? Sure, Paul Begala is in favor of things
like a woman's right to choose, which goes against the church's
official positions - but Robert Novak is a strong supporter of things
like the death penalty and Bush's invasion of Iraq, which also goes
against the church's official positions. So why did Wolfie decided
that Novak was the good Catholic and Begala was the bad Catholic?
Aside from the fact that Blitzer is a biased fool, obviously?
Fortunately Paul Begala decided to take offense at Wolf's aspersion
asking, "who are you to pass moral judgment on my religion,
Mr. Blitzer?" and reminding him that "My eldest son is
named John Paul, after the Pope." He continued, "I'm serious,
that annoys me. I don't think anybody should presume that a liberal
is not a good Catholic." A cowed Blitzer had to finish with
a lame, "I was only teasing," and said, "Don't be
so sensitive." Nice thing to say to someone on the day of their
church leader's funeral, eh?
 George
W. Bush 
April 9 marked the second anniversary of the fall of Baghdad,
and Our Great Leader was back on Planet Braindead last week telling
a crowd at Fort Hood that the toppling of Saddam's statue was equal
to the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. Let's take a look shall
we?
Here's a picture of the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989:
Source
Now here's a picture of the toppling of Saddam's statue in 2003:
Source
Okay, one more photo, this time from Baghdad on the recent second
anniversary of the fall of Saddam's statue - the anniversary that
prompted Bush to make his little speech in the first place:
Source
That's much more like it! Look at that cheering throng!
Why, it brings a tear to the eye! Well, it does until you realize
that the huge crowd of people in that picture are gathered en masse
to protest
the American occupation. Oh well.
Sean Hannity
Whether you know him as Derek Smalls or Principal Seymour Skinner,
Harry Shearer is a hero - and he proved it again last week by exposing
loudmouth Fox News hack Sean Hannity. On his radio show, Shearer
played an off-air Hannity & Colmes audiotape
from the midst of the Terri Schiavo case, where Hannity can be heard
giving two of Schiavo's former nurses some helpful tips on how to
answer Alan Colmes' questions...
Hannity: Just say, "I'm here to tell what I saw"
... No matter what the question, "I'm here to tell you what
I saw. I'm here to tell you what I saw." ... Say, "I'm
not going to be distracted by silliness." How's that? Does
that help you? Look into that camera. Look at me when I'm talking.
Later, on air...
Nurse Iyer: I don't have any opinions or judgments. I
was there.
After the segment, off-air...
Hannity: We got the points out. It's hard, this isn't
easy. But you did great, both of you. Thank you, guys. Those nurses
are powerful, aren't they?
Good Lord, Fox News is shit.
 The
Alliance Defense Fund 
The annual "Day of Silence" has in recent years become
extremely popular among students at schools and colleges across
the country. According
to the Associated Press, "Most Day of Silence participants
go through the school day without speaking - a tactic for drawing
attention to the isolation and harassment experienced by many gay
students." And it's working - the Day of Silence is apparently
now observed by tens of thousands of students each year. But faced
with this outbreak of tolerance and understanding, the pro-harassment
lobby has decided to have its say.
It seems that drawing attention to the plight of gay students is
not acceptable to pro-harassment groups such as the Alliance
Defense Fund and Focus on the Family, who have organized their own
"Day of Truth" to counter the Day of Silence. Participants
in the Day of Truth will hand out cards to classmates which criticize
the "detrimental personal and social behavior" of homosexuals.
Mike Johnson of the Alliance Defense Fund stated last week that
the Day of Truth is supposed to be "peaceful and respectful." He
said, "No one is for bullying and harassment, but ..." (ah,
you knew there would be a but, didn't you?) "... that's cloaking
their real message - that homosexuality is good for society." And
Mr. Johnson's view of homosexuality is? "You can call it sinful
or destructive - ultimately it's both."
So let me get this straight. The Alliance Defense Fund and their
pro-harassment buddies don't want to promote the persecution of
gay students per se - they just want to let people know that
gay students are sinful, destructive, and participate in detrimental
personal and social behavior. Hmm... well that should help
end the bullying.
 Eric
Rudolph 
Combine religious fanaticism with a political agenda and explosives,
and what do you get? Some might call it terrorism - but the corporate
media was noticeably shy about referring to Olympics bomber Eric
Rudolph as a terrorist last week, despite the fact that he meets
all the criteria. (But I forgot. These days you can't be a terrorist
unless you have brown skin and a towel on your head, right?)
So while conservative pundits have been ranting about the dangerous
and frightening epidemic of, um, pie-throwing,
the man who killed innocent people during a wave of family planning
clinic bombings released a statement
last week which contained whole sections apparently lifted straight
from the Republican party platform. In fact, the statement is most
remarkable for how smoothly Rudolph segues between the language
of conservative leaders and the language of Osama bin Laden:
Abortion is murder. And when the regime in Washington legalized,
sanctioned and legitimized this practice, they forfeited their
legitimacy and moral authority to govern. ... Because I believe
that abortion is murder, I also believe that force is justified
and in an attempt to stop it. Because this government is committed
to the policy of maintaining the policy of abortion and protecting
it, the agents of this government are the agents of mass murder,
whether knowingly or unknowingly. And whether these agents of
the government are armed or otherwise they are legitimate targets
in the war to end this holocaust, especially those agents who
carry arms in defense of this regime and the enforcement of its
laws. This is the reason and the only reason for the targeting
of so-called law enforcement personnel.
I guess their "time
will come," eh? Rudolph goes on to rail against George
W. Bush, calling him a "coward" for not doing enough to
overturn Roe vs. Wade (gee, wasn't the ingrate satisfied
with his tax cut?) and then marches further into la-la land with
a quick rant about gays:
Along with abortion, another assault upon the integrity of American
society is the concerted effort to legitimize the practice of
homosexuality. Homosexuality is an aberrant sexual behavior, and
as such I have complete sympathy and understanding for those who
are suffering from this condition. Practiced by consenting adults
within the confines of their own private lives, homosexuality
is not a threat to society. Those, consenting adults practicing
this behavior in privacy should not be hassled by a society which
respects the sanctity of private sexual life. But when the attempt
is made to drag this practice out of the closet and into the public
square in an "in your face" attempt to force society to accept
and recognize this behavior as being just as legitimate and normal
as the natural man/woman relationship, every effort should be
made, including force if necessary, to halt this effort. This
effort is commonly known as the homosexual agenda. Whether it
is gay marriage, homosexual adoption, hate crimes laws including
gays, or the attempt to introduce a homosexual normalizing curriculum
into our schools, all of these efforts should be ruthlessly opposed.
Man, he should get a job at the Alliance Defense Fund. So let's
see: anti-abortion, anti-gay, likes the idea of killing innocent
people, thinks that George W. Bush is a liberal pussy... yup, sounds
just like one of Osama's crew. Or a Freeper. Take your pick.
 Arthur
Finkelstein
GOP strategist Arthur Finkelstein made a name for himself helping
Republican politicians attack their opponents as "too liberal;"
he was particularly responsible for the rise of the famously conservative
Senator Jesse Helms. So you may be surprised to learn that Mr. Finkelstein
married his male
partner last week in a civil ceremony in Massachusetts. Apparently
Finkelstein believes that "visitation rights, health care benefits
and other human relationship contracts that are taken for granted
by all married people should be available to partners." Exactly
what we've been saying all along!
So it's kinda strange that Finkelstein should spend twenty-five
years working for people like Jesse Helms - a man who was well known
for such delightful
comments as "there is not one single case of AIDS in this
country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy" and "the
homosexual movement threatens the strength and survival of the American
family." Actually... it's not that strange. He's just a massive,
massive hypocrite.
 Jeff
Miller
And finally, speaking of massive hypocrites, meet Jeff Miller,
Republican state senator from Tennessee. Miller is currently sponsoring
a constitutional amendment which would ban gay marriages in the
state and "[solemnize] the relationship of one man and one
woman." Unfortunately it turns out that Miller's own marriage could
do with a bit of solemnizing - his wife filed for divorce last month
and accused him of "inappropriate marital conduct." Miller's wife
is accusing him of having a fling with a woman in Nashville - according
to WSMV.com, "she said family members saw him with the
woman at a Martina McBride concert." Oops.
You know, this is a tragic story and personally I blame Arthur
Finkelstein. Poor old Jeff Miller was just trying to do the right
thing and prevent homosexuals from ruining the marriages of heterosexuals,
and then along comes Mr. and Mr. Finkelstein and the next thing
you know Jeff Miller is cheating on his wife at a Martina McBride
concert. If only Jeff had been able to amend the state constitution
sooner, this would have never happened. Curse you meddling Finkelsteins.
+++
Addendum to the list: last week we featured my new all-time favorite
conservative idiot, The Ultimate
Warrior (aka Mr. Warrior). For those of you who enjoyed Mr.
Warrior's antics, please head
over to somethingawful.com and read this hilarious email exchange
between webmaster Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka and Mr. Warrior's
"Director of Communications" Chris Lewis. I guarantee you will
not be disappointed. See you next week!
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