The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 23)
June
19, 2001
Bushtastic Edition
Rather surprisingly, George W. Bush has made it onto the
chart no less than four times this week - a new Top Ten Conservative
Idiots record, beating his previous best of appearing twice
in one week. Languishing beneath the Idiot in Chief we find
Karl Rove (5) doing dubious deals in the White House, Michael
Skupkin (6) running for Senate on the pig-executioner platform,
and Mr. "No Spin Zone" himself, Bill O'Reilly (9)
cleverly refusing to spin, while simultaneously shamelessly
twisting the truth to fit his agenda. Not spinnng though,
oh no. It's worth noting that last week's two-time chart topper
Ari Fleischer has failed to achieve the much-vaunted Idiot
Hat-Trick, leaving Christie Todd Whitman's record intact.
Better luck next time Ari!
1 |
George
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 17
- Despite only having two syllables in his last name,
Prime Minister Aznar of Spain was still treated to the
ignominy of a mangled Bush pronunciation last week as
George began his European vacation. After attempting
to chat with Prime Minister "Anzar" in mangled
Spanish, Bush put an end to the lie that he can actually
speak the language and resorted to English (another
language which he admittedly has trouble with). To be
honest, George was probably glad to get out of Spain,
where he'd been greeted by thousands of protesters,
and move on to visit Belgium and Sweden. Where he was
greeted by... thousands of protesters. Ha ha! Later,
George met with Vladimir Putin and assured him that
"the Cold War is over," (um, well spotted).
But it's not just Europe that Bush is concerned about,
oh no. Along the way, he also insisted that "We
spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should.
Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."
Fortunately, the expectations for this trip were so
painfully low that George could have vomited on a world
leader at an official luncheon and it still would have
been an unmitigated success. That is, a success according
to the conservative talking heads back in the good old
U.S. of A. And if you don't believe them, well
hell, you might as well just move to Europe anyway,
ya commie!
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2
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George
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 17
- Is there no end to this administration's dizzying
spin? When Bush was Governor of Texas, he opposed legislation
which would bar executions of the mentally retarded,
a position he maintained throughout his Presidential
campaign. Odd then, that he made a statement last week
announcing that, "We should never execute anybody
who is mentally retarded." Here to explain this
is White House spokesperson Clare Buchan: "The
President's remarks did not reflect a change in his
views... this is not a change of policy." But...
but... it's the complete opposite of what he
said before! How can this be?! Well whatever is going
on here, rest assured that it has absolutely NOTHING
to do with the fact that Bush was about to embark on
his European tour, and he was absolutely NOT trying
to deflect intense criticism of his approach to the
death penalty. Because that would just be shamelessly
transparent groveling. And George W. Bush doesn't do
that.
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3 |
George
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 17
- For those of you who aren't convinced by the argument
that George W. Bush does NOT engage in shamelessly transparent
groveling, here he his not transparently groveling to
Hispanic voters. Last week Bush announced that the Caribbean
island of Vieques will cease to be used as a great big
target for great big Navy bombs sometime within the
next two years (but probably just before the Presidential
campaign starts). Funnily enough, Vieques residents
are holding a referendum in November to decide whether
or not they want to continue their role as U.S. Navy
cannon fodder, and are unsurprisingly expected to almost
unanimously vote, "um, thanks but no thanks."
So if you think about it, it's mighty big of our non-groveling
President to decide that, "Hey, no matter what
the good people of Vieques decide, bearing in mind of
course that there's absolutely no way to be sure at
this point which way they will vote, I'm going
to do the honorable thing and stop bombing them anyway.
Oh, and if you're Hispanic, don't forget to cast a vote
for GEORGE W. BUSH in 2004 (wink)."
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4 |
George
W. Bush - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 17
- And so it continues. Desperately attempting to keep
at least one of his campaign promises, GW was just uniting
the hell out of everybody last week. After previous
successes (uniting Jim Jeffords out of the Republican
Party, uniting Europe in their hatred for all things
American) George decided that he was on a roll and it
was time to unite the Florida GOP. And now they too
all agree - he's a complete boob. Bush took a trip to
the Everglades National Park recently, but whoops! He
forgot to include some important Florida GOPers, prompting
Republican strategist Ed Rollins to remark last week,
"That was absolutely stupid... This president ought
to basically know every Floridian Republican by first
name over the next two to three years." Come on,
Ed - this is George W. Bush we're talking about here.
After extensive briefing the guy can't even remember
the name of the Prime Minister of Spain!
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5 |
Karl
Rove - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - Karl Rove came under
fire last week after it was revealed that he met with
Intel executives at the White House back in March -
while still holding up to $250,000 in Intel stock. Hmmm.
Of course, Rove didn't know that the executives were
going to bring up the proposed merger of one of their
major suppliers and a Dutch firm (coincidentally, the
Bush administration approved the merger in May). So
the question remains - what did Rove think that
the meeting was going to be about? Was he just after
a 2Ghz Pentium 4? Perhaps he was hoping to meet the
Blue Man Group. In a letter to Karl Rove, Congressman
Henry Waxman (D-CA) wrote, "I am writing not to
make accusations about your conduct but to seek more
information about your involvement in policy matters
that potentially involved your holdings, including those
stocks that you may have recently sold." Waxman
has also been putting pressure on Dan "Watermelon"
Burton to investigate the matter, but the subpoena-crazy
Burton has remained strangely silent so far. Presumably
this passes his patented "smell test" (see
Idiots Week 8). Perhaps someone should tell him that
the Committee on Government Reform is allowed
to investigate... gulp... Republicans!
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6 |
Michael
Skupkin - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1 - We learned last week
that the Michigan GOP is so desperate to defeat U.S.
Senator Carl Levin that they're considering running
ex-gameshow contestant and celebrity pig-murderer Michel
Skupkin as their candidate in 2002. For those of you
who missed "Survivor 2," Skupkin is the man
who became nationally famous for catching and slaughtering
a "wild" boar with his bare hands, before
painting his face with its blood. Still, Skupkin almost
managed to win "Survivor 2" with a fabulous
combination of lying, plotting, backstabbing and sabotage
- so he should fit in nicely with the Republican Party.
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7 |
Rudy
Giuliani - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 4 - Last week, Giuliani's
divorce lawyer, Raoul Felder, announced that the mayor
is "nearly broke" with a mere $7,000 left
in his bank account. This is quite amazing really, when
you consider that not only does he have a salary of
$195,000, he also lives rent-free in Gracie Mansion
and rides around in a taxpayer-funded car. In a somewhat
lame attempt to explain Rudy's obviously out-of-control
spending, Felder could only come up with: "He has considerable
expenses - children's schooling, credit cards, dining
out..." Mind you, the cost of maintaining a mistress
can't be that cheap these days, especially in New York
City. Whew! There's clothes, jewelery, flowers, not
to mention Viagra of course. No wonder Rudy's broke!
Of course, this little announcement would have nothing
to do with the fact that he's going through a divorce
proceeding at the moment...
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8 |
Ann
Coulter - NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1
- In a Yahoo News op/ed piece last week, Ms. Coulter
came up with a very interesting theory. We'll bet you
weren't aware that liberals were the root cause of every
single problem in America today, were you? To be fair
- you might have known that, if you listen to Rush.
But anyway, here's Coulter's take on it: "It's
hard to imagine now, but before the official government
religion was liberalism - devoted to class warfare,
ethnic hatred and intolerance - Americans were kind
to one another." Ah yes, the good old days! When
you could buy a cup of coffee for a nickel, see a movie
for a dime, and blacks had to sit at the back of the
bus. Hang on, we're not supposed to mention that, are
we?
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9 |
Bill
O'Reilly - RETURN!
Weeks on chart: 3 - Poor old Bill. Looks
like he can dish it out but he just can't take it. Mr.
No-Spin went on an almost tearful rant last week on
"The O'Reilly Factor" about how the media
just won't take his idol... er, I mean, George W. Bush,
seriously. "Saturday Night Live, Leno and Letterman,
some of the liberal columnists and a chorus of Hollywood
hotshots have all had a blast portraying Mr. Bush as
a court jester. The problem is, that's not true. The
president may be unsure of himself in some situations
and he may be inarticulate at times, but nearly every
American experiences that," wailed the supposedly-impartial
one. "Chalk up the personal attacks on the President
as rank snobbery and unadulterated ideological hatred."
Oh yes, of course. Personal attacks on George W. Bush
are "rank snobbery and adulterated ideological
hatred." But Bill Clinton deserved everything
he got. "No Spin Zone" my ass.
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10 |
William
Crosby and Jeremy Clingman - NEW!/NEW!
Weeks on chart: 1/1 - And
finally, for all the Republicans who signed Crosby and
Clingman's petitions requesting the recall of Senator
John McCain - the joke's on you, suckers! In a rather
pathetic attempt to try and get rid of McCain for "insufficient
loyalty" to the GOP, the two Arizonans were trying
to get 349,269 signatures of registered voters in order
to force a recall election under the rules allowed in
the Arizona Constitution. Too bad they didn't take the
time to check their copy of the U.S. Constitution first,
because they would have found that those rules don't
apply to McCain, who, as a U.S. Senator is a federal
government official. So we can assume that this matter
won't be taken any further, because we all know how
much Republicans love the U.S. Constitution.
At least, that's what they keep telling us. See you
next week!
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